This Does Not Amuse...

There are those who believe that this was a waste of money:





One of these people is, quite possibly, the President of the United States of America.

So, if the rumor is true, thanks for nothing, Mr. President.

Two Things I've Overheard...

"I swear to cripes that the next stupid sumbitch I catch pissing or crapping in my alleyway is gonna meet my good friends Mr. Shovel and Mr. Bag O' Lime."

-My Boss


"Just reboot the thing. The pixels are not going to come back from the dead and haunt you for the rest of your life if you reset it because it gave you the blue screen of death In fact, you're probably doing them a favor by leading them to the light."

-IT Guy

All These Worlds Are Yours...

It was a simple idea. To attempt to type this entry without opening my eyes. I'm surprised I made it this far. Seriously.

But since I made it this far, I shall continue. Guess I can thank Mrs. Parker later for drilling the concept of touch typing in my head all those years ago, eh?

Anyway, time to clear the head a bit. It is now 2010, a year that seemed so far away ten years ago and yet now it feels like it sorta flew past.

Heh. Sorta.

For those familiar with Arthur C. Clarke, this is the year where we find all the answers to the questions asked in 2001. Well, again... Sorta.

We find out why the U.S.S. Discovery is in a decaying orbit, why Hal went batshit nuts and why one would be batshit nuts to poke around the goddamn Monolith in the first place.

The one question we are confused with is "what the hell happened to Dave?" Sure, Dave makes an appearance to warn Dr. Floyd and the Russo-American mission crew about the impending 'something wonderful' event that converts Jupiter into a midget sized star called Lucifer. Sure, he also visits his mom and ex-wife on Earth. Sure, he pops in towards the end to comfort Hal and to send the famous last message to mankind before nothing is heard of David Bowman again until 2061 comes around.

All these worlds are yours except Europa. Attempt no landings there. Use them in peace, use them together.

Repeat over and again. "Attempt no landings there."

I sit here and ponder the same thing. 2000 rolled out and I had a ton of questions, fears and anxieties regarding the future. For every Europa that piqued my interest, I simply attempted no landings there.

Things look and feel a lot different than they did back when I was still young and charming. I played everything way too safe.

I can't say I wholly regret that, I've had really good reasons. Still, there is a big hole somewhere and I have no idea what goes there.

I open my eyes at this point because I'm running out of steam. I just want to know what it is I am doing and why. Not exactly something I can answer here, true, but here we are.

Happy Chanukah, Y'all!

To celebrate in style, I present to you The Diamond:



Enjoy!

Propel, Propel, Propel Your Craft...

A while ago, my eldest brother shared a link to the Way Out Junk Blog, a site that features out of print records from long ago. His collection spans across decades of out of print LP's, ranging from classic Children's albums to political comedy records and beyond.

I had downloaded a copy of Mister Rogers' album, King Friday XIII Celebrates in Misterogers' Neighborhood of Make Believe fairly recently and found myself listening to it earlier today.

Two songs in particular struck me as particularly hilarious, Propel, Propel, Propel You Craft and Three Rodents With Defective Vision, so I went tooling around the 'net to find the lyrics.

During my search, I stumbled upon this gem. For those of you who have ever been in the Scouting program, you'll definitely recognize at least one or two of these songs.

The thing that strikes me the most is that while most of the principal elements of each song is constant, there are several regional differences between the version on their website and the versions I recall from my own days in Scouting. Was talking with Robert about something of this nature before regarding the variations in oral tradition and this illustrates this concept very clearly.

For example, let's take Announcements. A classic example because while the first part is the same, there are several other verses that we used to sing along with it.

Their version goes like this:

Announcements, announcements, announcements ,
A terrible death to die, terrible death to die,
A terrible death to be talked to death,
A terrible death to die

Announcements, announcements, announcements,
Ohhh...

Our version went something like this...

*Ahem* (Practices scales and clears throat)

Announcements, announcements, announcements!
What a horrible way to die.
A horrible way to die.
A horrible way, a horrible way, a horrible way to die.
Announcements, announcements, announcements!

We sold our cow! We sold our cow!
We have no need, for your bull now.

Did you ever see a windbag, a windbag a windbag?
Did you ever see a windbag, well there's one right now!

Blows this way and that way
And this way and that way
Did you ever see a windbag?
Well there's one right now!

Did you ever hear about Patrol Leader Jeff?
His kindly Scout Leader talked him to death.
Now he's up with the angels, seeking all kinds of angles
To keep his fellow scouts from the same tangles
But all of them Angels and even the Devil fall by being talked to death.

Announcements, announcements, Annnnooouuuunnncccceeeeemeenttts!

(Finish with gurgling and impersonations of over-dramatic dying gasps and groans.)

I was actually pleasantly surprised to find that Johnny Verbeck still floating around. Back in my era and in my region of the country, the name was actually "Johnny Rebeck," but otherwise the song pretty much matches up to my memory of it.

The memory is a little hazy on the song we used to sing as cadence whenever we would go hiking. I can recall most of it, but forgive me if the lapses have crept in.

Everywhere we go
People want to know
Who we are?
Where we come from?

So, we tell 'em
We ain't the Marine Corps!
The Jarhead Marine Corps!

We ain't the Air Force!
The Flybaby Air Force!

We ain't the Navy!
The deck swabbin' Navy!

We ain't the Army!
(I forget this part except it ends with "Army" Backpackin' Army kinda sounds right.)

We are the Boy Scouts
Of the mighty Troop Twennnnty
(Forget this line too. Something about... Meh, can't remember)
From the big-assed state of Texas. (This line I didn't forget. Buddy of mine came up with it, we found it hilarious much to our Leaders' chagrin, but it stuck anyway)

Sound off!
1. 2.
Sound off!
3. 4.
SOUND OFF!
1, 2, 3, 4 Can we hike a little more? ONE TWO THREEFOUR!

See? Now I'm transplanted to a time where we'd pay someone a dollar to fart on the campfire to prove the Theory of Fireass Stupidity!

Good times and good memories!

Let's Clean Up and Go To...

Yep, another NSFW post. I swear I'll get back to good and wholesome entries in the near future! Heh.

I mentioned this in yesterday's Blog entry, so now I shall explain the origin of the phrase, "let's clean up and go to Arby's."

As many of my readers are aware, I edit video for a living. My jobs run the spectrum from new babies and weddings to independent student films and the occasional home-crafted porno.

Now, I'm not personally a huge fan of porn. It just never really appealed to me to watch other people play "hide the 2x4 in the sawmill," to be perfectly honest.

I realize that professional porn is a multi-billion dollar industry and good for them, but they have yet to receive dollar one from yours truly. If that's what gets you off, more power to you. I do not judge what you do in private.

Every now and then, a client will bring in some of their personal "homebrew" porn and ask that I transfer it to DVD or as a video file for their own editing. I have one simple rule that I adhere to and I don't hesitate to explain to the client this rule right to their face.

It goes like this:

"No children, no pets and if this looks like those or if it is coerced sex (ie rape or someone got slipped a mickey, etc.), I'm calling the cops."

I do not fuck around with this rule and yes, I have had to call the cops a couple of times when something just didn't look or feel right about either the client or the footage they presented for transfer. I do not keep copies of what they bring in, nor do I show any of my co-workers for laughs and after the job is finished, all files go promptly into the recycle bin for immediate deletion.

Well, the fun part of handling sensitive material is that sometimes the footage is more hilarious than perhaps the "stars" of the film intended. I can't discuss most of it, obviously, but this one takes the taco.

A rather husky couple were engaging in the throes of sexual congress for a good fifteen minutes. Imagine observing walruses in mating season and you get all the visual you require. I'll pause for a moment while you reach for the mind bleach to purify.

Good for them being free and open with their love for each other. What I didn't need to have permanently etched somewhere in my brainpan was hearing this...

"Oh, baby, you were so good! You rode me like a hungry lion!"

"Yeah, and to tell the truth, I am actually pretty hungry."

"You want to eat something?"

"Yeah."

"OH! I know! Let's clean up and go to Arby's!"

You're welcome.

Sorry About the Mess...

Thanks to some lowlife Communist spamming arseholes, I am sadly forced to activate the verification features on the comment section of the Blog.

I apologize for the inconvenience, but random VIAGRA PENIS ENGORGEMENT NAO comments do little more than annoy everyone who actually enjoys reading this blog by shitting up the place with your useless spam.

So, a hearty "fuck you" goes out to those spam monkeys who's main purpose in life is to demonstrate why we can't have nice things. I hope you burn in that special part of Hell reserved for fascist dictators and people who try to sneak twenty items into a ten item or less express checkout lane at the grocery store.

Spasiba.

Complete and Utter Whore...

Oh, yes, this one is very unsafe for work reading... :)


11:28Robert

I am thinking of using the the phrase "hookers and blow" to rewrite some Barry Manilow songs...

I did work on a version of Copa Cabana in which Lola was a hitter for the mafia.

11:32pmMe

Her name was Lola, she was a coke head. She'd suck off every guy with a gleam in her eye. Then they would pay her, she'd then go spend it. Buying lines here and there and shoving needles in her thigh.

11:32pmRobert

LOL!

11:32pmMe

Her knees would hit the floor.

The men would cry for more.

She'd drop another dime and get real real high...

We're talking Hookers, hookers and blow-ow

11:34pmRobert

Her name was Lola
She was a hitter
She would whack a guy and never bat an eye

11:34pmMe

Ohhhhhhh... Punnery!

Well played!

11:35pmRobert

Thank ye.

:-):-)

There was blooshed and screaming at the Copa...Copa Cabana

bloodshed, that is...

11:36pmMe

Belinda was mine til the time that I found her. Blowing Jim. Sucking him. The Sue came along and loved me strong, or so I thought. Me and Sue...and her dog too...

Don't know that I will, but until I find out
If I have AIDS or Gonorrhea I'll find out...

Sorry, swapped to Neil Diamond there for a second.

11:37pmRobert

Still, well played, good sir!

11:37pmMe

I'll be what I am. A complete and utter whore. Complete and utter whore...

11:37pmRobert

Bwahahahaha!

I sense that this may be - dare I say it? - blogworthy.

11:38pmMe

Hrrrmmmmmm....

Hmmmmmmmm...

Why, naturally. Keep going. :)

11:40pmRobert

They come to the Mafia
TODAY
They wanna be wiseguys
TODAY...

They wanna get a favour
TODAY

11:41pmMe

My Family, tis of thee! Hit men of liberty. Of thee I sing, of thee I siiinnnng toooodaaayyy!

11:42pmRobert

Oh, la bella mafia
TODAY
Oh, las cosa nostra
TODAY

LA coas nostra, that is...

cosa (DAMN TYPOS)

11:44pmMe

Buwahahaha!

Sweet Godfather, tis of thee. Strong man of liberty. For thee I kill...

11:46pmRobert

TODAY

From the rackets to the numbers
We work for the Mafia

11:46pmMe

Oddly enough, I actually deployed some Neil Diamond in the car today.

Was in one of those moods.

11:47pmRobert

I understand...

11:47pmMe

Yep. Crunchy Granola Suite followed by some I Am, I Said and finished with some Porcupine Pie.

A well balanced meal, I suppose.

11:47pmRobert

Cracklin' Rosie like to dress like man...

Ugh, typos...

Cracklin' Rosie liked to dress like a man

She insisted that folks call her Sam

11:52pmMe

Ohhhh I love my Rosie, er, Sam... She/he got the way to make me confused.

11:53pmRobert

She makes me dress just like a woman
Our relationship is plain confusin'

11:54pmMe

Cracklin' Rose, you're a sturdy manwoman, lift Volkswagons while guitar strummin', swingin' your fake dick at passers by singin' "Hey now, hey now, hey sailor!"

Yes, I did have a very stressful day. Why would one ask?

Hehe

11:55pmRobert

If I had been drinking something, it would be all over the screen now...

11:55pmMe

Bows

11:57pmRobert

For some reason, I just had a mental image of Eminem covering Neil Diamond songs...

And vice versa...

Neil Diamond sings "Ass like that"...

11:58pmMe

Would probably improve the song 10000%

For all that Neil touches is Gold.

...except the Jazz Singer. Shouldn't mess with a classic.

11:58pmRobert

Thus it is written thus it shall be...

11:59pmMe

Verily. Thus spaketh Zarathrustra.

T'day 12:00amRobert

Duuuuum... Duuuuum.. De dum!

Boom boom boom boom

12:00amMe

Makes me want to clean up and go to Arby's*.


*I'm quite sure that I'll have to explain this phrase in another posting since it is likely I haven't told that story to the general public as yet...

Awards and Cheating In Las Vegas...

8:26pmRobert

We need a multiplayer game called Hookers and Blow. You go to Vegas and try not to pay for vices on the company credit card...

8:28pmMe

Bwahahaha!

Good challenge that...

8:31pmRobert

"You avoided the Mustang Ranch, 500 bounus points..."

8:33pmMe

BUSTED. LVPD caught you sticky handed while you were boning that $2 special behind the Bellagio. -2500 points, -1 Condom, +1 STD

8:34pmRobert

LOL

The whiskey and condoms appeared on your purchase card statement, - 1 Job.

8:37pmMe

Achievement Earned

Congratulations! You discovered your boss engaging in three way sexual congress with a showgirl and a donkey and have successfully blackmailed him into giving you a raise, earning you the Gotta Get Paid to Get Laid Achievement!

8:37pmRobert

LOL