Aquahog, ENGAGED!

Went tubing again today. In OCTOBER. I love this.

Sadly though, this is likely to be the end. Forecast calls for lots of rain and cooler temperatures starting, well, tomorrow. This makes me a sad panda, naturally, but I'm a happier camper for being treated to a longer season than usual.

T'was a beautiful day!

Soon, the tan will fade and the tube will gather dust in the storage shed. Waiting six to seven months is just too long to wait.

I hear tell that Schlitterbahn Galveston's indoor season goes until the beginning of January. Riding water slides... IN JANUARY. I may have to explore this idea further if I find myself with an extra $100 this season for gas and admission!

Ah, well, if nothing else, at least Halloween is around the corner! :)

Keep Holding On, Baby...

I made the trek to San Marcos and dropped my arse in the river, floating from Sewell Park down to the Rio Vista Dam. The summertime hordes had disappeared weeks ago, leaving the locals with the prime opportunity to float the river unencumbered by the overwhelming mass of humanity that normally clogs the river during hot weather.

Today, I am holding Nature's hand as her beautiful sister, Summer, goes into hibernation. Summer fights back against the colder weather here in Texas and I hate watching her go.

I am grateful for rivers and hot summer days. For Schlitterbahn and for cold beer. For Intex's River Run tubes and for the Army Corps of Engineers.

My grandfather once said that the mountains were a place where he most felt connected to something greater than himself. To him, the mountains were his church.

For myself, the River is mine.

Amen.

1 2 3 4 United States Floating Corps...

This is my inner tube.

There are many like it, but this one is mine. My tube is my best friend.

It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life.

Without me, my inner tube is useless. Without my inner tube, floating down the river is useless.

I must air up my tube true. I must float away from sharp rocks, who are trying to kill me. I must pack my cooler well before the river attempts to flip me.

I will.

Before God I swear this creed. My tube and myself are floaters of the Guadalupe. We are the masters of our drunken destiny. We are the awesome wasters of time.

So be it, until there is no more river, but sand.

Amen.

Rising From The Ashes...

Been rather underground last month.

Always dread February as many of you know, so forgive me my usual "Duck and Cover" of late. Fortunately, it was a quiet one for myself this year and hopefully that means the rest of the year will follow suit! *crossing fingers*

So, SitRep:

1) QTV

I FINALLY got a working copy of Dreamweaver at work and while I haven't attempted to ask if I can have a copy at home, I am allowed to work on my old site in the interests of "education, experimentation and exploration" during my breaks and lunch time. This is a good step in the right direction because I really miss working on my own stuff and if this opportunity develops into a rebirth of a favourite creative outlet, then I welcome the potential awesome with open arms.

Since the impromptu move from the old ISP has made sure to nuke the existing internal site links from orbit, I've got a TON of cleanup to do. You can now point and laugh all you like at all the broken links, missing images and Flash file (.swf) links to nowhere, how fun is that?

I believe that the main issue we're going to see is that all the internal links in the .swf webshows and shorts are going to be very difficult to repair. HTML links = easy, Flash movie links that I no longer have the original .fla files for = not so much.

I have no idea how I can go about repairing those. D and I lost touch over a year ago now and thanks to a hard drive failure wiping out my contact info last year, all that contact info is long gone. If an opportunity arises where I can re-connect, I'll see if ol' D still has those files knocking around. We shall see.

In the meantime, I'm simply going to have to figure out new things to do. I've lost contact with pretty much 75% of the site's usual contributors, barring Wonko, Dr. P and myself, so it's now a question whether I want to do something solo or attempt to find new co-conspirators. Anything is possible in the realm of possibilities, but for now I'm focusing on fixing what is before contemplating what can be.

Common theme with things I do, it seems. Heh. We'll see how things go indeed.

2) Project: BoozeTunes

As Summer slowly approaches, my mind is turning once again to thoughts of the River and of Schlitterbahn. I was toying with this idea last year of constructing my own ice chest stereo system.

If you've ever tubed the Guadalupe over the past several years, it's likely that you've seen (or rather heard) what I'm talking about. Essentially, I propose to literally build an ice chest that not only contains favoured icy beverages but also a marine stereo sound system as well.

For an example, there's this one, designed by RadioRaft. While awesome in execution, it's rather damned small. After one adds in the hardware and battery, there isn't much room for anything else.

I would almost say that this model is meant for music alone and not for the ideal dual purpose I would ideally utilize it for.

Here's a DIY model from Reggie Smith, webmaster of Toobing dot net His approach is to hard bolt speakers and the receiver on the lid of the chest itself, with the wiring and battery tucked into the ice chest itself.

I believe that a more traditional rectangular ice chest would allow more room, I'm currently dealing with the following issues:

A. Heat

Putting a receiver inside as well as speakers adds heat to the interior of the chest. While one could open and close the unit occasionally to allow reasonable heat/air exchange, condensation is also another concern especially on those humid Texas days.

B. Condensation/waterproofing

I decided to go with marine equipment because that provides greater protection against condensation and water splashing issues, however, there is a concern with keeping the exposed wiring free and clear.

C. Battery

Probably going to go with glass pane, closed system marine batteries. Lead acid batteries on the water make the Law a bit fussy. Problem is with the closed batteries is the higher cost, between $70 to $200 depending on size and rating.

D. Design

I admit, I am not the most mechanically inclined individual for the job. I have a ton of theories and some wild ass hopes and dreams, but I envision building the speakers into the front side wall of the chest and tucking the battery in on one side of the chest, leaving the other side free for frosty beverages.

My quandary is in building this so that it allows for ample beverage storage, proper ventilation, waterproofing and be reasonably aesthetically pleasing.

Two and a half months until the season starts and I'm open to suggestions! :)

Answer The Call, Me Hearties!

It is time.

As a special salute to the opening of the 2008 tubing season, I'd like to post links to my two part entry from last summer. See, B. A., I didn't forget! ;)

Here's the glorious Part 1

and

The also glorious Part 2

Enjoy! :)

On We Sweep With Threshing Oar - Part 2...

The other day we were discussing tubing and the logistics involved in running an efficient tubing fleet. Today we shall take a look at some, let us call them 'guidelines', to a successful journey.

1) Know the Flow before you go!

This is by far the number one priority when it comes to floating any river. The current flow of water down your favourite river or stream can make the difference between a day of awesomeness and a day of either dragging one's arse along the river bottom or breaking one's neck.

The best resource for making this decision (besides a quick phone call to a nearby river outfitter) is to visit the U.S. Geological Survey current water conditions page. The USGS has tons of affiliated little sensors dropped into the great streams and rivers of this country which report back to Uncle Sam as to how fast your river of choice is flowing, measured in Cubic Feet per Second.

The general rule of thumb is to go on days when the river is between 400 to 600 CFS, which is generally considered to be optimal floating. You can go lower to around 300, but expect to be dragging along. I wouldn't personally recommend going above 700 because at that point, the water is speeding along and you really won't have much time to relax and enjoy the day. The point of tubing is to relax and enjoy some easy rapids, not to tearass through nature like you're in a NASCAR rally.

Of course, if you prefer tearing ass through the wild, I'd recommend going on a rafting trip when the CFS is cranking between 1000 to 2000. If you have a death wish and want to try something over 2000, make sure you either have a lot of whitewater rafting experience and a trained guide. Tubing at any rate over 1000 is simply a death wish.

Checking with an outfitter is also a good idea because they can inform you of any known water hazards (annoying trees, favoured lurking spots of local law enforcement, which direction to go in order to successfully navigate through any rapids that you'll encounter) as well as to provide you with tubes and a shuttle ride if you lack the proper resources for self-serve tubing.

2) Drinkin', smokin' and snackin' down the river...

Drinking a few cold ones, be they of the alcoholic or other liquid varieties, goes hand in hand with a day of tubing. First off, it's hot outside.

Here in Tejas, for example, the sun beats down upon you harshly with the wrath of a hot, hot burning ball of gas. Because, let's face the obvious, the sun IS a hot, hot burning ball of gas. If you're not paying attention, you're going to get mighty thirsty. You do not want to drink river water, do you?

Of course not! That's why it helps to prepare for keeping the whistle nice and wet.

Before you tube, be sure to check out the local and state rules regarding cooler size, acceptable liquid containers and whether or not alcohol is permitted on the river in the first place. Some places seriously frown upon stocking your cooler full of mixed drinks and/or beer, so be aware of what the rules are before you run afoul of Teh Law.

Some of the more aggressive municipalities attempt to be really strict by restricting the size of coolers that are allowed on the river within the city limits (*cough* *newbraunfels,tejascough*) and while you may be very well transporting nothing more in the cooler than your kids' juice packs and copious amounts of water, you could still get a ticket for having a large cooler. The typical reasoning behind this is to prevent people from bringing a fully stocked bar to the river and while I can respect the fact that the city in question's logic for not wanting a few hundred drunken assholes floating through town, it's ridiculous to ignore the fact that someone can get just as drunk off six ounce shots of hard liquor as they can by drinking a six pack of beer.

Enforce public intoxication laws as they exist. I have no problem with that.
Ticketing a parent of six for having a large cooler full of water and Capri Sun pouches? Problem.

So, be aware of the laws beforehand.

I'll touch a little more on drinking a bit later, so let's move on to the next part: smoking.

If you smoke, for the sake of the Lords of Kobol, dispose of your butts properly in the trash bag. I'll spare you the environmental impact lecture, just be cool with them Kools is all I'll say about it.

Usually it's not hard to find at least one person carrying a pack of smokes on the river. Some people choose cigars. It's a socially accepted practice that you can light one up without some Anti-smoking Alex giving you the hassle. You are outdoors and the river is usually big enough to accomodate all who come to float in it.

On a similar note, I would strongly recommend picking up a small waterproof case to hold things like a pack of smokes, your lighter, cash, medications or whatever else you may need on the river. Many outfitters sell one that will have a handy strap that will let you wear the case around your neck so that you don't lose your necessities by an accidental dunking.

Next we discuss eating on the river. A day of tubing will sometimes make one powerful hungry. Sometimes, if you're lucky, the locals who own property along the river will pull out the BBQ grill and offer a selection of turkey legs, BBQ, hot dogs, sausage on a stick and more for sale to the tourists. This is especially common along the Guadalupe river near New Braunfels, where it is not uncommon to meet a few of these folks along the route.

The prices for river food are usually under five bucks and it gives you a chance to chow down while you tube. Be sure to be nice to the locals. They put up with thousands of noisy, drunken sots doing Deus knows what in this river behind their houses every year and the locals are usually stuck cleaning up the mess as well. Buying a turkey leg or two not only gives them some payback, but will possibly help to advance friendlier tourist/local relations. Even just a friendly wave or a politely offered beer will go a long way.

If you choose to pack your own chow, be sure to double sack those groceries in Ziploc bags or in some other waterproof container. Nobody likes soggy Cheetos or river-marinated beef jerky. Or soggy Cheeto jerky for that matter.

3) Lotion up, Francis...

Bring your suntan lotion/sunscreen of choice. You are going to be floating down a river in the middle of summer. For 2 to 6 hours.

Yes, there is shade to be had underneath the big, shady trees along the riverbanks, but regardless of how much you hug the shore, you're still getting some sunlight. Yes, even when it's cloudy.

So, unless looking like a lobster is way more appealing than looking lightly bronzed, bring your gorram sunscreen.

/Your Mom

4) Music and entertainment...

While bringing a waterproof, floating boombox automatically makes you the life of any floating party, playing Hanson's Mmm...Bop at 120 db does not. For some reason, certain people really take offense to music that is played louder than a typical Boeing 787 Dreamliner flying over a speed metal rock concert.

If you bring a stereo along, make sure it doesn't blast people 50ft or more away from it. In certain locales, that's a ticketin' for disturbin' the peace.

Also, play something good that the average person will enjoy unless you enjoy ridicule, mockery and dirty looks from strangers. No one these days, I mean NO ONE, wants to hear Mmm...Bop at any volume, let alone at the volume level of a typical 1960's Who concert. You are now duly warned!

Typically, the river is not without sources of amusement, but use some common sense.

* Using rope swings along the riverbanks in order to feed your inner desire to be Tarzan, Lord of the Apes is not advised. Most of these rope swings are located on private property, so please be sure to ask the owner's permission first.
* Jumping from bridges into the river is a recipe for disaster.
* Pretending to be the Ron Jeremy of the River by fornicating in the woods with your gal/guy/bad self is just wrong. No one wants to see that. Ever. Eww.

5) DIY Tubing...

Many of the experienced pros will sometimes suggest buying your own tubes in order to save a few bucks. Although I'm in the river as much as possible every summer, I had only recently taken the plunge and dropped a whopping $12 on my own tube. What a difference.

The key is to have a group of friends who also have their own tubes and to have at least two vehicles. The protocol is to drop off a car at a free parking "pickup point" and then drive upstream to another free parking "dropoff point." You then float your way down to your car and then you can either go again or go home as you please.

If you figure that the average cost of tubing is around $20 for tube rental, taxes and shuttle fee, buying your own tube easily pays for itself by the second trip (hey, have to figure in gas to get there). You don't have to ride in a shuttle filled with smelly persons and you save a mound of cash that you can either divert to the beer fund or save for the after-tubing Taco Bell Banquet Bonanza at the end of the day. Rock.

6) Random Tips...

Grease that wheel:

Some suggest coating the top sides of your tube with Vaseline to prevent getting 'tuberash' after a day of paddling. There are situations where one must use their arms as oars to navigate through the river and supposedly, this helps to cut down on damage to your arm skin.

Use it sparingly or else you may find yourself acquiring some funky sunburn marks on your arms/legs.

Tying tubes together:

While this is a good idea to keep a group together while floating down calm parts of the river, there is nothing more dangerous than staying tied together while navigating rapids.

The assumption is that tying your tube to someone else will make for a safer ride, but this is rarely the case for adults. Tied together tubes tend to play 'crack the whip' with each other and usually if someone runs into trouble, they can't easily navigate out of danger.

Remember the 'towing a fifth wheel trailer over a flooded roadway' analogy I made the other day? Same cause and reason.

You can't avoid it if you are towing a cooler tube, but it's better to have a cooler tube capsize than another tuber. I will say that cooler tubes are a lot easier to manage than a heavy adult in times of crisis.

A neat idea I saw the other day was to go buy some cheap, lengthy pet leashes. You loop one end around the tube and another person can hold onto or loop the other end loosely around their cooler or tube valve stem. When you hit the rapids, the person lets go of the leash, which can be quickly stowed in a tube safely and both of you float free and easy.

Get a tube that has a bottom:

If you are sensitve to things smacking across your derriere, I suggest picking up a tube that has a tied on plastic or mesh bottom. It'll protect your toucas from scraping the rocks on the floor of low level rivers.

Learn how to speak like a pirate:

No real reason for this, matey. There's just nothing more hilarious than a drunken pirate floating down the river in a rubber doughnut. Arrr...

7) Jackassery...

One of the fine entertainment values of floating is to point and laugh at those engaging in jackass behaviour. For as sure as the hot, hot burning ball of gas rose over the horizon this morning, there are bound to be a few jackasses finding new and interesting ways to apply their trade. Most do not care to be near one, but can't deny the fun in mocking one who deserves it.

Let us now review and explore ways of NOT being a jackass:

* Don't litter, damnit.

It's rude, disrespectful and just plain nonsensical. You and your garbage are floating. Together. In the same direction. Later, the locals get the joy of fishing out your crap. Outfitters issue you a mesh trash bag for a reason.

* Bringing glass or styrofoam with you.

Really if you are that oblivious to the dangerous possibility of cutting one's feet with razor-sharp glass shards that could be resting on the bottom of a riverbed as a result of people's carelessness with glass, you deserve to be hit by a bus. They tell you not to bring stryofoam because fish and other small woodland creatures could snack on it and DIE.

If you want to bring a self-prepared drink or wine coolers, use plastic containers. Some c-stores near the river will sometimes have those kinds of drinks already in plastic bottles for sale. Beer comes in cans too, if you know what I mean.

* Drinkin' & boozin'

Be aware of the laws, but the general rule of thumb is this...

The Drunken Arsehole Gets Hassled By The Man Whilst The Quiet Boozer Doesn't. Seems like common sense, no?

Bring a friend who'll stay sober if you plan on getting smash drunk stupid.

Don't offer the arresting officer a beer, it just makes them crankier.

* Spittin' & Cussin'

Curb your cuss language where needed. Don't fucking cuss in front of some asshole jerk's kids, damnit. Don't crap all over someone you don't know's good time by spewing forth the sailor talk with a vengeance. Use your brain and swear within reason.

Cussing in front of 4 year old strangers? Not acceptable
Cussing when no one around you is likely to give a shit? Go for it.

* Darwinesque Horseplay

Jumping off of bridges into potentially shallow water. Throwing rocks at people. Singing Mmm...Bop at an unreasonable volume while jumping off of neighbouring cliffs. Stuff like that.

Well, kids, that's about it. While this article is grossly overlate for this summer, it'll give you something to think about for the next. Just remember to mind your manners, know the flow and plan ahead and you'll have a great time!

On We Sweep With Threshing Oar...

It takes a certain level of bravado to attempt to float a river in a personal watercraft that is constructed of reinforced industrial grade rubber fashioned into a circular ring. The river holds many challenges and never are journeys down the river quite the same as the journey before.

There is something to be said about the river Faithful. Those lovers of the river who's love for idling a day away by chugging a few brews with their pals while floating down the cool waterway. They learned the secret long ago that the river is to be enjoyed, respected and at a decent flow rate between 300 to 700 Cubic Feet Per Second, lest they either be dragging their coccyx's over the rocks of a low level river bottom or being swept away in a fast moving water freight train.

This majestic mode of personal aquatic transportation usually requires patience, a pair of sturdy rowing arms and a willingness to enter into a unspoken social contract between themselves and the other members of his or her floating group. This contract usually is in regards to the levels of command, cargo manifests and transfer, fleet logistics and the defense of the group from dangers (which may include navigating others away from sticks, trees, rocks, rapids, wildlife and obnoxious fraternity brothers from the local college or university) and finally making sure they they have 'chipped in enough for the rent & shuttle service.'

To begin, let us examine the word "tubing" versus the non-word, "toobing."

Tubing vs. Toobing.

First of all, you are floating in an inner tube, not an inner 'toob.' I'm not sure if it was an attempt by the river outfitters to be cute or if they thought that spelling 't o o b' was close to spelling out 'b o o b' and since 'boobs' appeal to many males, a little innuendo to draw the frat boys out for a day of boobing, er, toobing? Hell, come to think about it...

Hmm...

Oh. Yes. Article.

Regardless of the reasoning, the proper form of "toobing" is actually "tubing."

"We're going tubing, Charlie, would you care to join us?" = Acceptable!

"Hey, Earl, we're gonna go toobin! Y'ant to?" = NO! Permission NOT granted!

Logistical Overview

Tubing is usually enjoyed with either a small cadre of friends or, if you're feeling really up to a logistical nightmare, a large herd of friends, their friends, their mom, their mom's friends and some bearded guy named Roy. You can also go in pairs if you prefer that intimate two against the river feeling.

The key thing to keep in mind whenever you go tubing is that you are accepting a key role, whether stated outwardly or not. Typically in any tubing adventure, you are in essence creating a small fleet of watercraft and it behooves you to realize this straightaway. A well-ordered fleet of tubes should function efficiently enough so that no one tuber is lost from the group (except in cases of arrest, which will be addressed under Jackassery a little later), no one is lost or damaged and that everyone is well stocked with their frosty beverage of choice. Almost automatically, everyone in a group is assigned certain tasks, whether they are aware of it or not. These roles can be combined or interchanged depending on circumstances, number of tubers, etc.

We start off with one leader, usually the most charismatic of the group although they can also be the person who has the most urgent time constraint upon them that requires an efficient float. They are the ones who usually are shouting "stop screwing off and hurry the hell up" or "paddle faster, damnit" in an attempt to keep the herd together and floating on time.

Depending on how much he or she has had to drink, they can almost sound like the stereotypical pirate captain, slurring their goads and encouragements together at will. The leader may be a friend of people in the group, but nobody really likes a pushy captain. Still, subconsciously, they follow along all the same.

Next up, and by far the most important job in any tubing fleet, are the cargo tenders. "Cargo" usually refers to the cooler full of drinks, a bag filled with snacks, suntan lotion, cigarettes or other needed items. Quite honestly, while the position of "cargo supervisor" (also known as 'beer bitch' or 'cooler jerk') is indeed an important one, the work itself is not in any way enviable.

Coolers are not exactly the easiest items to manage while sitting in a tube. The common solution is to attach a floating 'trailer' or cooler tube, where the cooler tube is just that; a cooler in a tube. While this obviously makes you the most popular guy or girl in the fleet (since everyone will come and see you eventually), it is easy as hell for the cooler tube to get stuck by passing trees, rocks, people, squirrels, whatever happens to be in the river.

Think about hauling a fifth wheel trailer over a flooded road and apply it to a smaller scale. That's you, Mr./Ms. Cargo Hauler.

Still, you should be grateful. For while you are stuck with hauling a cumbersome burden, at least you never go thirsty and especially be glad that you are not the next person that we shall discuss, the garbage scow.

The garbage scow belongs to the unfortunate person who has to tie the big potato sack to their tube and carry the fleet's garbage down the river. If you are not an uncultured barbarian who enjoys spoiling the rich beauty of the state's natural water resources, that is. The person in charge of the garbage scow is usually the more environmentally conscious member of the group who doesn't mind hauling the trash for 'recycling.'

The worst part of hauling the fleet garbage is that the bag acts as a bit of an anchor. As the cans collect in the bag, they fill with water and the bag will tend to snag more easily on passing objects or to slowly drag along the bottom. The easy solution to this is to crush the cans or to put the bag on your lap. Either way, be mindful of your load.

Our next group of people are usually the fleet tenders. They attempt to paddle others out of danger, pull tired, lazy or drunk tubers down the river when haste is required. This role is usually rotated between the group depending on personal fatigue or intoxication. They herd the group towards their goal while maintaining a certain flank speed and this usually goes on without notice.

Another job is that of the Chief Medical Officer, usually this is filled by whoever thought to bring the bug spray, band aids, Tylenol, sunscreen or whatever they thought would be needed "just in case." Medical is usually the over-prepared member of the fleet, but is well thought of when "just in case" actually happens.

By far the most thankless job is that of the Sergeant of Arms, the fleet's disciplinarian. The Sarge is usually a seasoned veteran of tubing trips and is well aware of the "river recreation" laws of the state, county and city that the section of river flows through. They know the laws regarding acceptable cooler sizes, where the police usually lurk to bust unsuspecting drunken arseholes and also what the penalty is for blasting one's radio louder than the engines of a 747 passing overhead.

They mean well, but are typically derided for being "party poopers." Usually someone in the Sarge position tries to keep the other members in line when things get way out of hand.

Now that we have an understanding of the fleet structure and individual role assignments, we shall spend some time in the next article discussing the general rules and regulations of tubing and how best to not be described as a jackass.

------To be continued!