Viva Evil Wil...

Via Wil Wheaton who found it on Reddit, I present to you The Who's Baba O Reilly, performed entirely by objects one may purchase at Think Geek!

Happy Chanukah, Y'all!

To celebrate in style, I present to you The Diamond:



Enjoy!

Got Nuthin' Today So Here's My Horoscope With A Father Jack On It...

Pisces

Your dreaminess tends to gets in the way of your intuition, but try to remember that more than any other sign, your soul knows the truth. Do what you want to do, not what you think you should do. Telling someone off, writing a letter and releasing it, whatever you need. Friends of Pisces: watch your buddy like a hawk. He or she could do something stupid, such as drinking too much and doing something regrettable. Your friend will go full throttle on the chosen activity, so your responsibility is to make sure no one gets hurt!

The Hunt For Red Chicken...

Robert and I were getting out of control again...

ENJOY!

7:56pmRobert
Yo!

7:56pmMe

Heya!

Just messing around a bit until dinner.

7:56pmRobert

Had some homemade Reuben sandwiches for dinner.

7:57pmMe

Mmmmmm.... Hell yeah!

7:59pmRobert

Indeed!

7:59pmMe

I'm making something...

...Chickenish?

8:00pmRobert

By the pricking of my thumbs, something chicken this way comes.

8:00pmMe

heh

8:02pmRobert

Now I am inserting the word "chicken" into a variety of book and film titles.

The Chicken Weekend (think of The Osterman Weekend)

8:03pmMe

Hahaha!

Of Chicken and Men

8:03pmRobert

Excellent!

The Chicken Strain

Chicken Park

(a Michael Crichton roll there)

8:04pmMe

Bwahaha!

Brave New Chicken

(just for the contradiction, you see)

8:05pmRobert

Teehee.

Chicken Games

8:05pmMe

The Hunt for Red Chicken

HA!

8:05pmRobert

"One CLuck, Vasily"

8:05pmMe

Fucking awesome. Simul-Clancy post!

"This chicken is going to get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it."

8:06pmRobert

LOL

The Chicken and The Snowman

8:06pmMe

Heh

Star Chicken, The Chickenmaster and let us not forget Mad Chicken: Beyond Henhousedome.

8:08pmRobert

All the Right Sqawks

8:08pmMe

Twelve Angry Chickens.

8:08pmRobert

LOL

The Right Giblets

All the Rooster's Men

8:09pmRobert

The Chickenman, All The Chicken's Men and DAMNIT

Stole mine!

You bastard.

8:11pmRobert

Teehee.

8:11pmMe
Just for that, I'm blogging this...

8:11pmRobert
Spiffy!

A Little Something For You To Enjoy...

Because I hate you all...



Enjoy!

Iran, Pt. Deaux...

A little Penny Arcade to get in the mood and then we'll continue with tonight's early morning fiesta of fervor. Click the image to imbiggen!



I have to admit that this news article from Wired amuses the evil 1337 h4x0r side of me a bit:

Looks like 4chan and the Twitter Shitters have been busy...

Being neither a fan of Twitter (a tool that reminds me of how much I hate AIM-speak with the fury of Thor) or 4chan (a website which apart from their DDOS shenanigans against Scientology, annoys me to death), I have to admit that I'm impressed. Twittering as well as blogging has allowed news from inside Iran to percolate out into the world, a concept that would have been unheard of twenty years ago.

It is a huge risk they are taking in reaching out. Could you imagine getting a bullet in the brainpan for blogging? It's true and it is happening right now, friends, make no mistake.

The interesting thing about the DDOS (distributed denial of service, which is basically attempts to flood websites and choke up their available bandwidth with junk attachments, clicks, redirects, etc.) attacks is that it works both ways. Yes, they have been bringing the Iranian government and state controlled media outlets to their virtual knees by these attacks, but this has an effect on those inside the country who are trying to get legitimate news and information out.

I've been keeping a watch on the BBC websites and Fark, since the Beeb has more of a world view perspective than the more USA-centered mass media and Fark is a wonderful news aggregator in times of crisis so you can find links in a pinch when shit hits the fan.

I wouldn't recommend my readers join in the hacking fun, but I do post this so that y'all can take notice of what a few hundred thousand geeks can do. Good luck, we're all counting on you...

Jim Davis - Respect +1

I mentioned Garfield Minus Garfield a few months back. The guy who runs the site, Dan Walsh, has taken Jim Davis's Garfield comic strip and attempted to give us an idea of what the strip would look like if Garfield was removed from the strip.

As you browse the strips, you get a different look at Garfield's "owner," Jon Arbuckle. You almost get the sense that Jon is an eccentric, ofttimes neurotic loner who struggles to get through each day. Several of the strips make you laugh purely at the bizarre randomness of Davis's cartoonist hero, others simply make you ask what the hell is wrong with Jon.

Either way, it's amusing as hell.

In recent news, Jim Davis has not only given Dan of Garfield Minus Garfield his blessing to continue posting the strip online, he has gone a step further and has extended a hand of friendship towards him by offering to work together in combining both the original Garfield and the altered Garfield Minus Garfield strips into one book collection. They will present both strips as a side by side comparison so you can experience the full effect.

This is awesome.

You don't see a lot of things like this in today's litigious society. You really don't.

When I first saw Garfield Minus Garfield I thought to myself that I'd better enjoy it while I could before the dreaded cease and desist letter laid the legal smackdown on Walsh. Especially once Fark caught a sniff of it and presented the site to millions of Internet citizens as a link on the front page.

In my opinion, Jim Davis showed a lot of class here. Walsh wasn't out to destroy the reputation of Davis's creation, after all, just to show us a different side of it while giving full credit to the strip's creator. His intent was to provide a tribute to the festively plump feline (even though he was removing him entirely, I know...) as well as to bring new laughter to the table.

Instead, Davis looked at it and thought, "Huh. You know, this is actually kind of awesome. I should totally get in on this." It was very generous on his part and the while the offer to collaborate will indeed add more lasagna to the wallet, it also is a great step forward regarding reaching out to the public.

Try and see if Cathy or For Better or Worse's creators would ever allow anything remotely like this. Top marks, Mr. Davis, top marks.

I haven't bought a Garfield collection book since '87, but I will definitely be picking up this one when it hits the shelves.

Top Gear - Space rockets part 2/2

The joys of taking a piece of crap car and turning it into a space shuttle, part 2!

Top Gear - Space rockets part 1/2

The joys of taking a piece of crap car and turning it into a space shuttle, part 1!

Fruitless Chase Pt. 1

Made this eons ago with some childhood pals of mine. The quality is horrendus, the script was just barely above horrible and the acting was downright embarrassing.

Still, it was a ton of fun to make and that's all the excuse needed to unleash it upon the world...

...I'm so sorry.

You Know What Really Steams My Clams...

For well over eight years now, I have enjoyed using the term "hope they get hit by a Capitol Metro bus."

I can no longer use it now thanks to politicians, the media and to the now widespread usage of the recently created cliche, "throw (or thrown) under a bus." This fills me with great rage because I used my expression when it was funny.

People would chuckle, nay, guffaw when, in fits of frustration, I would mutter, "I hope that asshat gets hit by a CapMetro." Now, not even a nervous cough. My joke is now rendered sterile thanks to popular culture.

In fact, I just heard someone outside my office say "she really got thrown under a bus there."

That was MY line, you THIEVING COMMUNIST BASTARDS!

Now I understand why Michael Buffer was so adamant in registering his famous catch phrase, "let's get ready to ruuuummmmbbbbllllllleeeeee!" He had a vision, even if he was still a complete tool.

So, I need a new catch phrase. One of my very own.

One that will be able to convey my complete disgust for others while at the same time make people laugh. A phrase that will stand the test of time and possibly even etch into my tombstone and will be mine eternally.

"Here Lies Robert...
(Insert clever catch phrase here.)"

That and I want a pony.

Garfield Without The Garfield...

Found this one on Fark the other day. Imagine how the Garfield strip would be if you actually removed Garfield from it.

Gives you a whole different perspective on Jon, I'll tell you that.

Anyway, click here to enjoy! Better hurry before Jim Davis's lawyers catch a sniff...

Koko and the World Control Center

<
First saw this over a decade ago on MTV's Liquid Television, a program that MTV devoted to showcasing animation. By far, Liquid TV and Beavis & Butthead were the only reasons to watch MTV after they switched to the reality TV/Music Crapfest that still exists today.

This one is a classic Max Fleischer "Koko The Clown" black and white cartoon, redubbed with a more modern soundtrack. Brilliant.

Enjoy!

Tricky Dick Says Goodbye...

Kinda interesting to see Nixon prepping to announce his resignation. Sitting there joking around like nothing was wrong in the world until he looks at the text of his speech...

Don't Make Me Angry, You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry...

For a bit of awesome, here's a complete list of how and when David Banner got angry and turned into the Hulk in the TV series.

An E-Mail to Co-Workers...

Date: Mon, 5 Nov 2007 17:33:38 [05:33:38 PM CST]
From: Robert ****************
To: *** Staff
Subject: An Important Message That You Must Read.

Fellow Co-Workers,

I have been rather appalled by the recent state of both the break area and restroom facilities. After what I witnessed today, it would not entirely surprise me to discover that one or possibly two members of our staff were indeed raised by wolves.

First of all, let us discuss the topic of community food. Today I discovered three pieces of pizza in a box that had three neat bites taken out of them as if someone had claimed them and left them behind with a personal mark to protect their lunch instead of wrapping the pizza up in foil or putting it on a plate marked with their name.

It's this simple: whenever the business is either provided with or is providing food to you and your fellow employees, that carries with it an unspoken social contract between yourself and your co-workers. While most regard this contract in layman's terms as simply observing proper etiquette (or table manners), there is actually a serious health and safety issue reason behind it.

For example, if you are either attempting to reserve a set number of food items for yourself or disposing of uneaten food, please have the common courtesy to not put your half eaten food back in the original tins/boxes/containers so that they touch or mix with the untouched food. Use a plate, a paper towel or perhaps encase your chow within a sheet of our helpful metal friend, aluminum foil.

That is unless you actually WERE raised by jackals and enjoy sharing the contents of your disease-infested mouth with the forty-three other people who work here. Lord knows we'll ALL cherish that.

Secondly, whomever keeps refilling their water bottles at the water cooler, please have the common courtesy to NOT do so. Don't be an uncultured barbarian. Get a clean glass or a disposable cup. That's what they are for.

I also pray to all that's sacred that no one is foolish enough to stick their mouth under the water cooler tap although I have my suspicions. No one is personally interested in either seeing a lipstick coating on the water cooler spout, or inheriting your illnesses. Again, please keep your germy mouth away from the water cooler at all times.

Next we will discuss proper bathroom etiquette.

It should be common sense for people to clean up after themselves in the restroom, but apparently in some cases, this needs spelling out in excruciating detail.

1) If you use up the last roll of toilet paper, put another roll on the spindle. There are at least fifty spare rolls on the shelf in the bathroom. Make that extra effort to grab one and load it on the spindle. It won't hurt you to do so, I assure you.

2) Flush when you have transacted your business with the toilet. Do not let any waste linger as a special hidden treasure for the next employee to discover and marvel at. Trust me, we are in no way impressed with the length, width, colour, aroma or texture of your personal waste products.

Before you leave that restroom, FLUSH IT DOWN. When in doubt, FLUSH AGAIN. Briefly inspect the interior of the bowl and leave NOTHING lingering behind as evidence.

Ask yourself, "Have I performed my patriotic duty to the fullest extent by giving the toilet a good and proper flushing?"

If this means that you have to spray the Lysol to cover up the embarrassing odor, you'd better damned well do it.

If the bowl needs emergency sanitary care, tend to it yourself. Do NOT leave the bowl looking like Chernobyl for that is simply against the rules of a decent society.

Your co-workers should not have to don Haz-Mat suits or surplus personal gas masks in order to use the bathroom.

3) If you use all the soap, replenish the supply by refilling the dispenser with more soap. The extra soap container is right next to the toilet paper. Yes, they are still both on the same shelf in the restroom as they have been for years, standing quiet vigil in the corner of the restroom.

If you leave the restroom and someone finds the dispenser empty as you vacate the facility, it's fairly obvious to the person coming in after you that you are a filthy individual who doesn't wash their hands between using the restroom and using shared equipment or potentially shaking hands with a client. That, my friend, is just nasty.

If that person described above is you, what's wrong with you?!?! Were you seriously raised by lions? WASH YOUR HANDS. REFILL THE SOAP DISPENSER IF NECESSARY.

Refill the paper towel dispenser as well if it requires it. Would you like to guess where the paper towels are located?

That's right! ON THE SAME SHELF AS THE EXTRA HAND SOAP AND THE TOILET PAPER.

4) Double check the area to ensure that you have properly FLUSHED, replenished NEEDED SUPPLIES, cleaned up any trash/mess that you may have left and WASHED YOUR HANDS.

5) Then, and ONLY THEN, may you leave the restroom.

I hope this little guide is of use to the unwashed heathens here who cannot think of others as well as themselves. To everyone else who follows proper bathroom / break area etiquette, thank you for putting up with me for a few moments.

Remember kids, WHEN IN DOUBT, FLUSH.

Thanks,

-Robert

Oh My Science! - With new link goodness!

Everytime I see this, I can't help but to die in laughter.

Having been a fan of both Buck Rogers and South Park for years, I assign the rank of Awesome to this. What amazes me is how well SP tried to match the original while putting their own twist of course.

Communist Milk...

A little hilarity for the day.

I wonder if it's beyond obvious to anyone that Vietnam lacks any territory that even remotely resembles the Wisconsinesque landscape depicted in the ad. Heh.

I Ain't 'Fraid Of No...

Fellow children of the 80's, pay heed to this and narc not, lest you meet thy doom!

The Real Ghostbusters = good times indeed.

Kinkoooooooooooos!

Tomorrow's Nobody @ TomorrowsNobody.com
In response to BA's frustration with UPS, I offer this rather hilarious, yet horribly wrong, cartoon that I found on Tomorrow's Nobody Dot Com.

Warning: Not safe for work or for those who don't appreciate gross humour!

Was Ist Das, Herr Kirk?

Behold the frightful terror of Austrian electronica, ala Star Trek...

I'm not sure whether, initially, I should have been appalled or worried after watching that one. I cannot deny the simple genius in the production of this video however.

I mean, how can one deny the truly awe-inspiring design of a starship that has Coke bottle warp drive nacelles, a converted handheld lantern body (complete with handle) and a snowflake-inspired section instead of the usual saucer section. Pure bloody genius, that is. The U.S.S. Edelweiss was, in a word, suuuuper (thanks for asking!).

When you get right down to it, those special effects are also dead sexy. I mean, check out the fabulous "force lightning" effects, the blobby "phaser" effect and the engineering console that doubles as a DJ booth!

And the acting? TOP NOTCH! I mean, the Kirk character totally snogging and getting his interstellar swerve on with that German bar maid. "Scotty" getting all hip hop, over the top and jiggy with or without "it."

Alright, obviously my sarcasm is cranked up to 11 here. This was by far the worst thing I've seen since Chelsea Clinton trying to fit in with a group of marines by hollering "hoooorah!" during a visit with her mom to a bunch of marines stationed overseas.

This film's premise is possibly as worse as "Gigli."

Or possibly as worse as a show about the sex life of dragonflies.

I award the producers of this video the sum of my total daily disgust quota of the week and also a hearty handshake to let them know that there's no hard feelings whatsoever and that I forgive them for unleashing this menace onto polite society.

I Love To Drive And It Shows...

What surprises me the most is that people actually still fly Delta, American or any of the "upscale carriers." Just about every time that I've ever had to pick anyone up who flew Delta (or American in particular), their flight was a minimum of two hours late.

I wish that I could say that I am exaggerating, but I'd be hard pressed to do so. The notion that the airliners seem to foster about their customers being little more than "cargo that eats" is quite apparent in this clip alone.

When I have to fly, I choose Southwest. Typically, the staff are more friendly and the flights are rarely late in my experience. The only problem I have with SW is the feeling that they are packing in people like tinned salmon. Suppose they are less expensive for a reason. Heh.

Uniform Foxtrot India Bravo...

Hello, my name is 905 and I'm a TotalFarker.

After browsing Fark the other day, I learned that Fark's founder, Drew Curtis, was going to be in town to sign books and grab a few beers with any interested Austin area Farkers afterward.

Having nothing pressing to do, I headed down to the locally owned Bookpeople, which was hosting the book signing. I felt a bit of a fanboy at first. After all, I've been on Fark for four years now. Fark introduced me to a ton of happy Internet funtime goodness over the years.

Then, Drew simply walks in without any fanfare or real buildup. Just, "hey, how's it going?"

First off, he's hilarious. Hardly what you'd expect in an author or in someone who runs an "Internet Phenomenon" such as Fark. He told stories, answered every question under the sun and then, when he was finished, told all of us that we can all go out for beer at this bar down the street.

The poor picture (I need to fix my eyes, damnit...) is at the book signing. Drew signed my book, "Robert/905: UFIB! - Drew Curtis." I was a little slow on the uptake because I had thought at first, "Isn't that supposed to be UFIA (in reference to an oft used hilarious phrase on Fark which stands for 'Unsolicited Finger In the Anus')?" before realizing it stood for "Unsolicited Finger In The Book."

Ahhh, Drew, I see what you did there...

We all met for drinks, which was a shock for me since I'm not the social butterfly type usually. Going to go meet for drinks with a bunch of perfect strangers isn't usually indexed in my Operationial Guidelines.

Still, it was a hoot and/or holler. I had a chance to meet a bunch of Farkers/Farkettes who run the social spectrum between IT computing geniuses to ex-high-school-football-hero-selling-insurance guy. I also had a beer with Drew himself and we chatted about random Photoshop contests, Wil Wheaton and how the new Transformers movie is doomed to suck.

A quite worthy outing indeed!

The Sounds Of Hooves, A Requiem For The Post iPod Dream...

Wonko mentioned this interview in his blog the other day by posting a short video clip of the D5 chat with Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.

It's a good hour and a half of rollicking computer chatting fun! Much to the surprise of many, they manage to keep the discussion light hearted, almost chummy at times. This is of course almost anathema to the PC/Mac supporters who typically view one another with a grudging distrust in regards to their system of choice.

If you are interested in hearing the entire broadcast (or downloading the video version), click here. The pod/videocasts require iTunes to download, but Apple is offering these up for free.

Your Love Life Would Be Sweeter, If You Wrapped Your...

From the Myspace Blog of Paris Hilton, copied and pasted exactly as HRH Princess Paris of the Royal House of Hilton posted it at 11:47 PM on 5/8/07:

---+---
My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

NLINE PETITION CREATED TO SUPPORT PARIS HILTON

To sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to
Governor Schwarzenegger that I have created...

please go here:

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781

I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition.
---+---

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you today's youth:

"Hi Paris my name is ****** & I'm your BIGGEST fan. I really want to start out by saying how upset & pissed I am you have to go to jail. I swear 2 god I cried because this is really ridiculous! The 1st thing that came 2 mind was that was the judge's decision because you are who you are. I don't think it's fair & it's not right! I was shoked when I found out but then I was like I should have seen it coming."

Absolutely horrible.

Apart from the obvious lack of proper grammar and spelling in this comment, I implore you to consider the logic behind this statement.

"The judge threw the book at Paris BECAUSE she is famous."

Hate to say it, kid, but the judge threw the book at her because she violated the terms of her probation for the crime of DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL. Here, let me cry these crocodile tears for the wealthy princess who must serve forty-five days at the pleasure of Los Angeles County because she refused to obey the law.

I'll touch on her having to actually serve time instead of paying a fine in a minute. For now, use your brain, kid. What if, while under the influence, she had killed your cat, your best friend or your mom? What if she had smacked into you personally and you were either confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life or were killed?

How "shoked" would you be then, eh?

"Paris, This didnt have to happen! People should be concerned about the war ending, bringing home the troops, etc. This punishment/sentence just isnt fair, and thank god we are voicing our opinions! I hope it all turns out well. Can you appeal the sentence?"

Yes, in the United States of America, you are entitled to pursue an appeal of your case, providing that you actually have one.

Sorry, couldn't resist adding that last part.

She theoretically could appeal her case, but the success of that venture would be unlikely to overturn the conviction. She was caught red-handed violating the terms of her probation by driving with a suspended license.

As for the "unfair sentencing," let me direct you to the California Penal Code. Take special note at the punishments allowed for the criminal act of driving while intoxicated. A person may be confined for up to six months in jail for this crime as well as having to pay a fine.

She was originally given probation and had her license suspended. That was her warning. All she had to do was to keep her nose clean for the length of her probation and she would avoid a stay in the hoosegow.

She violated her probation and perhaps you thought that she could just skate through the judicial system by paying a fine, perhaps?

First of all, what's $400 to $2000 to a girl who's worth millions? She drops that kind of cash in having her nails done.

Secondly, if it had been yourself, myself, or any other average American citizen, we would have likely been sent directly to jail moments after the sentence issued forth from the judge's lips. The point of the justice system in this country is to provide fair and equal justice to all the citizens of the United States as well as to punish those who commit crimes in hopes of their rehabilitation. I believe that this is the judge's intent.

Forty-five days in the county cooler may very well help to straighten her out because quite frankly, I don't know what else would. And neither does the judge.

At best, she'll hopefully learn something. At the worst, she'll come out with more street cred.

Finally, how cute of you to mention that we should be focusing more on the "war and bringing home the troops and stuff."

Because everybody knows that a judge somewhere in California throwing someone famous in the clink for violating the law has everything to do with diverting attention away from the war. And it is no way ironic that such a comment would come from an individual who's posting this comment on the aforementioned someone famous' blog is it?

You want to point fingers at who's to blame for shifting the focus away from the important issues in this world? Point the first finger at yourself, point the next one at the sensational mainstream media and then kindly stick the remaining three up your ass.

"By the way, if you people that have been sending me messages telling me to STOP SUPPORTING PARIS THAT SHE DESERVES THIS, stop sending me that crap now!!! You idiots see this is a PARIS HILTON FANSITE...why wouldnt i support her??? So stop sending me that crap!!! I seriously dont appreciate it!!! I have gotten many messages like this and its not nice and she does not deserve this! Its all totally unfair!!

Paris Hilton is the sweetest, prettiest, beautiful inside and out, smartest, caring woman in the world!!!! [theres alot more nice things about you, it would just take forever. :]] so stop being so jealous of her and support her. :) She rocks my world. :)"

Wow.

I encourage all of you to bask in the sunlight of genius that surrounds us all, my friends....

Bask, I say, BASK!

And be sure to get on your knees and genuflect. Behold the slayer of demons, the cure to all disease and poverty. Behold the mighty saviour that is Paris!

Hail Paris!

Seriously though, wow.

"the only thing I would sign for Paris would be a death warrant.
The skank needs to own up, and face responsibility. "I had one margarita, and all I wanted was an In-N-Out burger"... Come on, Paris. Get real... and get ready to take it rough from Big Bertha in the slammer.

-Andria"

Andria, I love you.

*Ahem*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, and don't let me forget...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, HA, and of course, HA!

HA, HA!

Cranking The Fark Machine...

Photoshop these prison signs (and don't drop the soap).

Click the image above to enlarge it (opens in new window).

One Note Is Two In An Echo...

This comes in from Pete Townshend's website. For those familiar with Pete's catalogue, you may have heard of his attempt to create the Lifehouse Project (the actual project, not the album), whereby each visitor to his website was encouraged to contribute a single note, sound, word, etc.

What would happen then is that the resulting collection of this material would form a song. Could be a symphony, could be a cacophony.

But here's the newest idea. He's set up a website in conjunction with some math and techno geek to allow each visitor to "sit" for up to three musical portraits. You contribute a little material: a sample of your voice, a little sound, a melody perhaps and then the program creates for you an entire song.

You can download it and share it as you will, currently for free. The only downside to this is that the free deal runs out in August, requiring you to pay for a subscription if you choose to continue using the service.

Still, it's a fairly neat idea and worth checking out just for giggles!

AE31 UNIT PREDICT FAULT AT LINE 595911

------

BrainDOS has encountered an unexpected prediction fault at Line 0501070908.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (F)ail? r

------

Welcome to BrainDOS v. 2.0

C:/run lifeplan.exe

------

Lifeplan: Life Management Software v. 1.0

Select one of the options from the following menu:

(1) System Health & Disk First Aid
(2) Memory Storage, Cerebral Data Processing/Allocation & Sensory Response Interpretation
(3) General Motor Functions and Movement Control Panel
(4) Autonomic/Central Nervous System Control Panel (Admin Level Access Only)
(5) Speech Control Panel
(6) Reflex & Instinctual Response (Admin Level Access Only)
(7) System Cleanup/Evacuation
(8) Put System Into Sleep Mode
(9) Consume Cheese

(S) Save & Apply Changes
(Q) Exit Program & Return To BrainDOS Prompt

Choose: 2

------

Lifeplan: Memory Storage, Cerebral Data Processing/Allocation & Sensory Response Interpretation

Select An Option From The Following Menu:

(1) Access Memory A-L
(2) Access Memory M-Z
(3) Fulfill Hunger Need
(4) Fulfill Thirst Need
(5) Adjust To External Temperature/Moisture Data
(6) Process Hearing Data
(7) Process Visual Data
(8) Process Taste/Touch Data
(9) Ponder Life & Its Cruel Ironies
(10) Engage In Intellectual Pursuit
(11) Sexual/Hormonal Control Panel
(12) Engage Audio/Visual Input Trance Mode (TV/Internet Mode)
(13) Engage In Hilarious Misadventure
(14) Attempt To Predict An Uncertain Future
(15) Consume Cheese
(16) *Next Menu*

(ESC) Return to Previous Menu
(S) Save and Apply Changes
(Q) Exit Program & Return To BrainDOS Prompt

Choose: 14

------

BrainDOS has encountered an unexpected predicition fault at Line 0501070908.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (F)ail? r...

Power Of Attorney...

Been watching episodes of Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law on YouTube and find myself just chuckling away the minutes of an otherwise dreary, depressing day...

And Me Without My Wellies On...

Read the following driving directions very carefully...

Directions like these just don't get any better than that.

Spoiled Eggs...

As requested in a conversation I had with Wonko, I shall now spoil the season finale of Battlestar Galactica, therby ruining any possible surprises or potential enjoyment of discovery within.

After years of being on the run, the Colonials finally reach Earth. Sadly, however, the Earth's technology is well below the level enjoyed by the other 12 tribes of man, so it is up to the hardy men and women of the Galactica to bring them up to speed. Plans are discussed and schemes are schemed.

Unfortunately, our main two heroes, Captain Apollo and Starbuck, decide to break free from military life in order to open up a chain of fast food restraunt and coffee shops aptly called "Captain Starbuck's." This however leads to a major lawsuit with Starbucks Coffee, who decides to treat the two new residents of Earth to a lunch of trademark infringement and salad. Why salad, I have no idea.

Meanwhile, Adama, who has now grown a beard and is also sporting a self-styled hippie haircut, has secured the aid of his son's illegitimate son's friend, Troy in further bringing down the destruction of Colonial society by piping in old broadcasts about Paris Hilton and her wacky antics from Earth throughout the fleet.

Troy's bad-haired friend (and Captain Apollo's son) Boxey shows up to give the ladies something to stare at, although they are not staring in a good way. No, sadly, they just can't seem to get over how much Boxey looks like Dick Van Dyke.

The cylons finally show up and the hot ones (ie Number 6's & the Sharon models) go over to my house for beer and nachos, while the rest of the humanocylon models decide that this whole Earth business is just silly and they head off to fight the Romulans instead. Let's just hope they never realize that the Romulans are in a totally different show altogether and NO ONE make them any wiser, 'k?

So, yes, there's the 6's and Sharon's at my house. Oh, wait, the D'anna's can stay as well. And President Roslin can come over too if she wears that Dances With Wolves getup. Hooyeah..

Oh. Sorry.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, Romulans. Well after the rest of the cylons leave, the remaining colonists decide that Earth, with all our wars and wacky stuff, is also a silly place to be and that the whole journey was a big waste of time. They decide to colonize Mars instead and terraform it into a giant theme park and movie studio complex.

This doesn't go unnoticed by Disney, who had designs on Disneymars for years. They dispatch a crack team of WED lawyers and Roy Disney and they come to an agreement. The Colonials CAN have the licensing rights to the fry stalls and can sponsor the "Space Mountain" ride, but they cannot drink their ambrosia anywhere except within the confines of Mars 33, Disneymars' exclusive restaurant and bar.

Of course this doesn't sit well with Tigh, who will drink his booze any way he damned well pleases, so he leads a resisitance group against the occupying Mickey Mouse Stormtroopers which completely confuses this plot sixteen ways to Sunday.

And twice on Thursday.

Oh, and Baltar finally pays for his crimes against humanity by scrubbing every square inch of the New York City subway system clean with his tongue. And a pair of scissors.

And that, good friends, is the plot to the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. No need to thank me. :)

Now If They'd Only Post That Kickass Pegasus Fight Music...

Oh, yes.

Oh, very much yes.

Now if I can only whistle up a team and a script. Hmmmm...

Sing Through Me, Muse, A Song Of Fluff...

I received an interesting request via e-mail from someone I know the other day. Apparantly, the sender is assembling a potential collection involving pictures of dogs and the songs created for them by their owner. If successful, this will possibly turn into a book of some sort.

Quite honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to participate in the project or not. After all, my Katy's been gone for five months now. I personally do not currently own another dog to sing about, though I supposed I could craft a ballad or two about teh Kate and the other dogs I've been with through the years.

So, let's start at the top:

Katy I

She's my golden retriever
Yes, my golden retriever
And I love to see you every day.

Oh, my golden retriever,
Yes, my golden retriever
You eat my steak, you'll pay.

Katy II

Fluffy tail and big ol' feet
Loves the water and uncooked meat
Fetches objects, leaves fur on my car seat
With the Kate, my day's totally complete.

Oh, yeah, she's my Katydid.
Oh, yeah, she's my Katydid.
And she'll make your Chiuahua into mince meat.

Heart of gold, fur colour matching
Soft ears, she is a scratching
Mischief is what this dog is hatching
My furniture now needs patching.

Oh, yeah, she's my Katydid.
Oh, yeah, she's my Katydid.
And she'll make your Terrier into milk's meat.

*drum solo*

Floating down the river of blue
Chasing squirrels to make a stew
Greatest dogs they might be few
Katy's one, but what else is new?

Oh, yeah, she's my Katydid.
Oh, yeah, she's my Katydid.
And she'll make your beagle into potted meat.

Lisa

Lisa is so frisky
So hyperactive and frisky

Frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky
Frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky.

Lisa chases shadows and reflections
I have a flashlight, will she make the connections.
She'll chase and bark and bark and chase
She's a nutty kid and that's my case.

Oh, Lisa is so frisky
So hyperactive and frisky

Frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky
Frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky.

Lisa is so frisky
So hyperactive and frisky

Frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky
Frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky, frisky.

Oh, yeah!

Heidi

Weiner dog, oh weiner dog.
You are so short and rotund.
Oh weiner dog, oh weiner dog,
You are so much like a hot dog.

---+---

Yep, truly classics, aren't they? At least be thankful that I wasn't including mp3's of my actual howling of these masterpieces...

A Response In C-Minor...

Read this post on Wonko's Corner before you read the rest of this post.

Back now? Good. Anyway, here's my reply. It was a little lengthy to post on his comments section, but keep reading. Things get out of hand, I promise...

1) $1,000 Pizza.

As a former pizza transportation and customer service professional, I'd like to say that not only will I happily provide this delightful item but as an added bonus if you act now, I will also include ONE FREE swift kick to your beanbag that you can keep as my special gift to you.

Call in the next ten minutes and I'll also include free steel toe bootage to the face, that's right, absolutely FREE!

$1,000 pizza. Jesus.

2) The Donald Vs. The O'Donnell.

Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are both class AAAAA attention whores. The arrogant attitudes of both really grate on my nerves.

How 'bout we hold an eating contest to see how many $1,000 pizzas they can eat in an hour?

Think about it! We can award a kick to the beanbag of the winner! We can then also award a kick to the beanbag of the loser!

Think about the publicity! It'll be stellar, man.

Seriously, they both need to shut up and get back to work.

3) Heather Mills.

It is the idea that someone thought her important enough to extend an invitation.

Seriously?

I was thinking that it was a miracle that they hadn't asked Wink Martindale & Tonya Harding to be on the show. It'd be awesome.

They'd start dancing, Wink and his partner would win a round, setting Tonya off into a full on bloodrage. Tonya punches Wink in the beanbag, and quickly grabs Heather's fake leg and breaks Heather's other leg with it.

A tussle ensues and Wink, after taking a few recovering breaths, pulls out some tricks of his own by casting the Game Show Host Hair Of The Infinite spell, which knocks Tonya out like a sucker on Celebrity Boxing.

Seeing her opportunity to knock out another competitor, Heather casts Ex-Beatle Wife of Unlimited Income, temporarily incapacitating Wink with a mighty law suit.

Wink somehow manages to recover by some fancy legal footwork and cuts off Heather's next attack by casting X Blocks The Square, shielding him and also shooting hot piles of pork products back at her in the process.

Unfortunately for Heather, she didn't throw a good enough defense roll so she drowns underneath a pile of bacon bits and porkchops.

As Wink surveys Heather's gruesome, yet tasty, demise, Tonya regains consciousness and pounces on Wink, shouting about how "it was unfair, my shoelace broke" and "gimmie another chance, judges!"

They struggle on the ground for a few moments before Ian Zierling, who had been sitting on the sidelines wishing that Aaron Spelling was still around to give him a job, joins the fracas.

Ian reaches within his fancy coat and pulls out his "Steve Sanders Sword of Slicing" and quickly seperates Tonya's head from her torso, George Lucas style. He helps the weakened Wink to his feet and they both stand and observe the carnage.

Wink turns to Ian. "Thanks, kid, you saved my life!"

Ian dusts himself off and cocks one of his famous toothy grins. "No problem, Mr. Martindale, I was happy to help!"

"I bet you are, kid," Wink chuckles as he suddenly thrusts his hand right through Ian's chest and rips out his heart, "I bet you are."

Ian looks at his own heart in shock for a second before falling over dead. With all the other competitors dead, Wink was now assured of being the grand prize winner.

"After all," Wink chuckled wickedly as he watched Ian's heart slow to a stop, "there can be only one..."

---+---

Oh, wait, sorry, what? You mean Dancing With The Stars is about DANCING?!?

*sigh*

Oh Where Are You Now...

Moo goes the cow
Quack goes the duck
The cat says meow
While the chicken runs amuck.

-Me

Well, depending on the person you could ask, yesterday was either:

1) March 14, 2007
2) Albert Einstein's birthday
3) Pi Day.
4) Steak & BJ Day. (And NO, I'm not going to explain this NSFW concept to you. Reach your own conclusions, gorram it...)
5) A combination of 1 & 2
6) A different combination of 1, 2, 3 & 4
7) All of the above
8) Time to pay the utility bill.

Kind of interesting how three "milestone holidays" seem to converge like this. It's almost as if Albert Einstein was celebrating his birthday by contemplating pi while eating a steak and getting a...

Never mind.

Well, whatever 3/14 means to you, I hope it was a good one.

Birthday Goodness Post...

Now, this is sweet. --------}
I want to thank my good pal Trystera for this photoshopped happy fun time picture meshing our characters with those of Homestar Runner's! How cool is that?

VERY! And don't ye be forgetting it, lads & lasses. :)

I'd like to also thank W, BA & everyone for their happy fun time greetings! It was a lovely day to roll another digit on the odometer and I thank YOU for making it just that much more spiffy!

Speaking of Political Games...

For some reason, I'm strangely addicted to this one.

The name of the game is Subpoena Power. Your goal?

To weed out the perfidious scoundrels in Congress.

Yes, armed with a stack of subpoenas, you sally forth into the hallways of Congress, searching plants, bookshelves and committee meeting rooms for evidence and lobbyist cashdrops. You also dish out some federal justice smackdown on representatives, senators, sycophants, lobbyists and the dreaded (and dangerous) mudslinging toadies.

I found the printable certificates of merit also amusing. Added a nice touch since you have 535 members of Congress to round up. That does take a while, after all.

Thanks to my pal Trystera for giving me another excuse to shirk responsibility this week...

Here Comes Dr. Tran!

For those who aren't familiar with Spike & Mike's Sick & Twisted Festival of Animation, you may have missed this little gem.

I saw this for the first time a few years ago with my friend Bill and we just about died laughing. So, prepare for the action of Dr. Tran!!!

NSFW, so watch at home and chase the kids out of the room...

May Teh Farce Be With You...

This takes me back.

If you've never seen "Hardware Wars" before, now's your chance. It spoofed the original Star Wars and while time hasn't necessarily been kind to it, I still found myself laughing at it just as I did when I was a kid.

Enjoy!

Someone Buy This Lady a Beer...

"We have received your request to license footage on Dimebag Darrell Abbott for your upcoming production of, "25 Most Chilling Hollywood Murders."

While we realize the average E! audience most likely has the IQ of an umbrella, they collectively are a smarter bunch than the lot of you. Your programming creativity falls somewhere to the bottom of the middle at best, and that's saying a lot.

I ask that you all please take a moment from your busy days and close your eyes. Live out the fantasy of playing your favorite instrument onstage. Your closest friends in the world surround you, either in the band or in your crew. From one side of the stage, a man approaches. Thinking he's a security guy or a drunk fan who¹s just a bit out a line, you continue to perform. Two seconds later, he lifts his arms, aims a rifle at your brother, your best friend, your buddy and blows his brains out, not three feet from where you are. In the nanosecond it takes you to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened, he does it again ...and again ...and again ...and again ...and again ...and again before taking aim and murdering additional members of your extended family as well as fans that have come to see you play. Two of your crew are shot but survive, but of course, will never be the same gain.

Now imagine it's a few years later and you turn on the TV set. Just in case you may be having at least a five minute respite from that scene that plays over and over in your head, just in case .....you flip through the channels and there it is. Again. Only with some two bit actor who thinks this is his big Hollywood break.

And please, if you don't like that scenario, make believe it¹s your child who got his brains splattered all over a stage in Ohio. And then you turn on E! Oh, the magic of television!

In case none of this appears clear enough and you need a definitive answer to your request...no. The answer if no, and on behalf of everyone that was there that night and everyone that misses him every day, you can take that no and shove it up your collective asses.

And, for your second request, yes, you can quote me on that.

Sincerely,
Jane Hoffman"