Let's Clean Up and Go To...

Yep, another NSFW post. I swear I'll get back to good and wholesome entries in the near future! Heh.

I mentioned this in yesterday's Blog entry, so now I shall explain the origin of the phrase, "let's clean up and go to Arby's."

As many of my readers are aware, I edit video for a living. My jobs run the spectrum from new babies and weddings to independent student films and the occasional home-crafted porno.

Now, I'm not personally a huge fan of porn. It just never really appealed to me to watch other people play "hide the 2x4 in the sawmill," to be perfectly honest.

I realize that professional porn is a multi-billion dollar industry and good for them, but they have yet to receive dollar one from yours truly. If that's what gets you off, more power to you. I do not judge what you do in private.

Every now and then, a client will bring in some of their personal "homebrew" porn and ask that I transfer it to DVD or as a video file for their own editing. I have one simple rule that I adhere to and I don't hesitate to explain to the client this rule right to their face.

It goes like this:

"No children, no pets and if this looks like those or if it is coerced sex (ie rape or someone got slipped a mickey, etc.), I'm calling the cops."

I do not fuck around with this rule and yes, I have had to call the cops a couple of times when something just didn't look or feel right about either the client or the footage they presented for transfer. I do not keep copies of what they bring in, nor do I show any of my co-workers for laughs and after the job is finished, all files go promptly into the recycle bin for immediate deletion.

Well, the fun part of handling sensitive material is that sometimes the footage is more hilarious than perhaps the "stars" of the film intended. I can't discuss most of it, obviously, but this one takes the taco.

A rather husky couple were engaging in the throes of sexual congress for a good fifteen minutes. Imagine observing walruses in mating season and you get all the visual you require. I'll pause for a moment while you reach for the mind bleach to purify.

Good for them being free and open with their love for each other. What I didn't need to have permanently etched somewhere in my brainpan was hearing this...

"Oh, baby, you were so good! You rode me like a hungry lion!"

"Yeah, and to tell the truth, I am actually pretty hungry."

"You want to eat something?"

"Yeah."

"OH! I know! Let's clean up and go to Arby's!"

You're welcome.

Yesterday, Today Was Tomorrow...

First off, I hope that everyone has had as much rest and fun as can be had this week! To each and everyone of you, I wish an awesome happy time, for however you feel about life, the universe and the mysteries of the afterlife and of creation itself, you definitely deserve it regardless.

It's been a mixed bag for me of late, some of you may have already been aware thanks to the tone of my recent most posts, hell, a good chunk of posts I've made both here and some choice sections in the early part of the old QTV blog. I came this close *tightly clenches thumb and index finger tightly together* to chucking it all in as far as this blog was concerned, which for me is pretty damned controversial for those who know me.

The big reason behind these thoughts was because I was tired of sitting here bitching and moaning while feeling like I was just being untrue to myself, to my readers, to my blog and its real purpose. When I first created this personal blog, I did it so as to distance my internal struggles, deep thoughts and personal hilarious debris from the happy funtime blog that I originally intended the QTV blog to be.

The QTV blog was meant to be fun and when I saw myself putting way too much "me" into it, that was my sign that I needed an auxiliary dump site for the parts of "me" that weren't all about having a good time. Later, when I realized that I haven't updated the QTV blog itself in over a year, that was my next sign.

Two thousand and eight was a rough year. Not just for myself, but for pretty much everyone around me. Some years are just like that and they tend to help you cherish the good years that much more.

I guess what I'm getting at is that while I don't place a ton of stock in New Year's resolutions and the concept of the New Year being this magical dry erase board where one can start over anew, I do believe in the concept that people can change their situation if they have the right motivation to do so.

Finding what works and motivates me right here and now is what I'm working on. Wanting to take a poll, so bear with me:

What motivates you and are you following up on all that cool stuff you wanted to do with your life?

If you're not, why aren't you?

Happy New Year to all and to all a good year!

How The Internet Lies To You...

Snopes is a website dedicated to vetting out urban legends, including those passed along through E-mail. I ran a search for the recent e-mail being passed around not buying gift cards due to several recent or impending store closings and found this, which was posted a few days ago:

Store Closings

While the numbers aren't likely to look good this Christmas for many retail stores thanks to this lovely economic setback we're currently enjoying, the reports of the impending deaths of several companies have been greatly exaggerated or misreported. Other companies have indeed been facing closure or bankruptcy, but that kind of thing happens all the time and it is currently not on the grand scale that we are left to believe.

The major concern with these types of scares is that it puts people in the mindset that "oh well, this store is closing down so I should not shop there until their big going out of business liquidation sale starts," when there may not be any credible facts to support this. Especially this time of year, anything that will deter the consumer from filling the cash registers of these businesses ends up hurting the business.

Having said that, gift cards do indeed bear certain risks. Under current law, if a retailer or restaurant does indeed file bankruptcy, it is left up to the bankruptcy court judge to decide the fate of those who are holding gift cards. Usually these cards have been thrown out by these judges in favor of other creditors. This means that if a company does go under, you can lose all the money on your gift card.

A company, even one that's been around for decades, can go under, so it's best to not hold onto gift cards any longer than you have to. Doesn't mean that you have to spend them the very next day, just means that you shouldn't hold onto one for six months and never spend it.

There are several consumer groups out there currently petitioning the Federal Trade Commission to provide safeguards for gift card money, but nothing has been set in stone as of yet.

The big concern with the Visa gift cards is that the credit card companies often charge hidden fees for you to use them. One such fee is the usage surcharge, where they charge you either a certain percentage (1% to 3% of your purchase) or a flat rate fee ($2.50, for example) every time you use them.

Another lovely fee is the so called "storage" fee where the credit card company will deduct money from the value of the card for actually not using it in a certain amount of time. $2.50 every six months, for example.

Regular store gift cards can be awesome, but they are just as useless if they're not redeemed. Companies make a ton of moolah off of people who never use their gift card in their store. In cases like that, the company is basically printing money.

Best advice I have is to buy them from places you know and to make sure that the person who is receiving the gift card enjoys shopping there and will most likely use that card as soon as possible.

The Videographer And The Atheist

I sat under the shade of one of the trees outside work today, happily consuming some leftover crab alfredo pasta that I had made the night before. I was enjoying the calm of a sunny afternoon, wishing that I could be outside all day instead of working.

It was peaceful and relaxing. All was good and decent with the world.

Then, like a oncoming category five hurricane, the Atheist arrived.

I've had conversations with the Atheist before. He works in the same retail center as I do, so it's not uncommon to run into each other during the odd smoke break or two. Usually, our conversations are restricted to such things as the weather, how business is going and whether or not XYZ sport team has a shot this year.

I usually stick to the weather and business. Sports just were never really a big deal for me. I love going to events, but personally can't stand watching them on TV. I get bored way too easily having to listen to the miles of endless stats, plays and what the particular sportscaster thinks about what someone chooses for breakfast.

I do recognize the duality of my situation, I really do. For while I practically am a doctoral candidate for the area of Arcane Knowledge (Doctor of Trivial Knowledge and Useless Factoids), I just never could get into sports trivia.

Hell, I couldn't technically claim a single team as my 'favourite.' I'll usually pick up a few things about local teams that are enough to pretend interest. It's a tool of the trade, you see. A way of putting the client at ease that yes, I am a true-blooded American male and not some lowly communist subversive seeking to overthrow our Republic and American values.

I was taken rather by surprise by the Atheist's follow up question to the standard "how's business?" question. He stood there with a look of determination as I munched on my pasta.

"You're the video guy, right?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He nodded sharply before asking his next question, "How much do you charge to film events?"

I told him and he nodded again. I queried him on what event he was interested in having filmed.

"Well, it's a meeting of this Atheist action group that I help organize," he replied, "we're looking to create a recruitment video."

Now, personally, I don't really care what you choose to believe or not believe. As long as you aren't out deliberately hurting people or pestering me and wasting my time, I could care less.

I thought for a moment and said, "Alright, that sounds like a project. Think about what y'all would like to put together and get with me at the office if you are still interested."

His face lit up a bit. "And while I'm at it, you're more than welcome to just come to the meeting if you'd like! All atheists are welcome!"

I chuckled. "What gives you that impression that I'm an atheist?" I asked with a polite grin. I shouldn't have gone there. Very bad move. I just hate it when people automatically assume things about me and that always gets me into more trouble than Curiosity Cosby.

"Oh?" he queried, his body automatically adopting a defensive posture, "I just thought, ya were since you sounded interested in the project."

"Ah, no worries. I'm really kinda private on such things, always have been. I'd be happy to work with you on the project though..."

He frowned. "On second thought, go fuck yourself. Getting all high and mighty, I bet you're about to give me a sermon, right?"

"Dude, chill. I wasn't trying to start anything. All I was saying was that I believe in whatever I believe in but I'm also the type that says that everyone has a right to believe in what they want to believe. I believe that religion is a personal matter best left to the individual."

"That's retarded. Atheism is not a religion," he snorted.

I stifled a giggle.

"You disagree?" the Atheist needled.

"Yeah," I sighed, resigned to my fate, "I do. At least in the form that you are presenting it in."

"Explain," he chided.

I sucked in a quick breath...

"Basically, a true atheist wouldn't bother with meetings, action groups, posters, propaganda, lectures or invitations. Atheism in itself is the practice of believing that there isn't a supernatural force behind our creation or continued existence. There is no point in believing in a god, because he/she/it/them don't exist in the first place as Science has proven.

"A true atheist would recognize that and be content with that knowledge. There is no god, so let's live our life accordingly.

"Given the circumstances, I personally find it intellectually dishonest for atheists such as those who are in your group to rail so harshly on those who do believe in the Supernatural when for all intent and purposes, you are going through many of the same procedures of worship.

"Using Christianity and your group as an example, if you will excuse me for doing so:

"Christians believe in god and salvation through Christ's sacrifice on the cross. In this setup, you believe that there is no god and the only true path is science and human thought and reason.

"Christians go to church, which is a meeting combined with a lecture and readings from the Bible, followed sometimes by smaller group meetings and lunch. Your group also has a meeting where there is usually a lecture of sorts and discussion of books based on Atheism or related topics followed by chatting and refreshments.

"You claim Christians are out to convert the masses and bring them to church, which is funny because your group is also out to convert the masses and bring them to your meetings as well as to abandon the teachings of long ago mythologies.

"Church posts a billboard encouraging new membership, you do the same.

"Church passes the collection plate, y'all ask for a donation.

"I'm giving you the reader's digest, but I hope you understand that again I don't care a whit as to what you believe. It's personally none of my business. I just want you to recognize that based on my experience, Atheism is as much of a religion as say, belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

And that pretty much ended the conversation. He looked at me deeply in the eyes to see if I was going to start preaching at him for a moment and then he stormed off.

Guess I'm not getting that job...

Clinch, My Ass...

I absolutely hate the word "clinch."

"Clinch" is just one of those words that really give me the red ass, much like the words "yadda" and "staycation" before it. It simply grates on my soul and fills me with such ire against humanity.

The past few weeks have been filled to the overflow tank with phrases like, "Obama could CLINCH the nomination after next week's primaries" or "Hillary could still CLINCH the nomination if enough super delegates switch sides." On the news, on the Internet, in the brainpans of countless sycophants and professional political image doctors across this nation, the word "clinch" is damned well everywhere.

Perhaps it is because "clinch" is a close cousin to the word "clench," as in Earl couldn't stand the constant use of the word 'clinch' because hearing it a thousand times over the course of the past hour has made his anal sphincter clench tightly, preventing him from sitting comfortably.

More likely it is because I'm thoroughly exhausted from hearing the same fucking word every five minutes. "Word fatigue" is exactly why they invented a thesaurus...

...Damnit.

Instead of using the same word, why don't we liven up the discussion by utilizing words of similar meaning or perhaps invent entirely new phrases to employ?

You Know What Really Steams My Clams...

For well over eight years now, I have enjoyed using the term "hope they get hit by a Capitol Metro bus."

I can no longer use it now thanks to politicians, the media and to the now widespread usage of the recently created cliche, "throw (or thrown) under a bus." This fills me with great rage because I used my expression when it was funny.

People would chuckle, nay, guffaw when, in fits of frustration, I would mutter, "I hope that asshat gets hit by a CapMetro." Now, not even a nervous cough. My joke is now rendered sterile thanks to popular culture.

In fact, I just heard someone outside my office say "she really got thrown under a bus there."

That was MY line, you THIEVING COMMUNIST BASTARDS!

Now I understand why Michael Buffer was so adamant in registering his famous catch phrase, "let's get ready to ruuuummmmbbbbllllllleeeeee!" He had a vision, even if he was still a complete tool.

So, I need a new catch phrase. One of my very own.

One that will be able to convey my complete disgust for others while at the same time make people laugh. A phrase that will stand the test of time and possibly even etch into my tombstone and will be mine eternally.

"Here Lies Robert...
(Insert clever catch phrase here.)"

That and I want a pony.

I Have Decided...

That I hate you all.

I saw that video earlier and I wanted to die.

Gun. Bus. Demented walrus.

I'm not picky.

I'm sorry. I can't unsee what I have seen, so I thought I'd spread the horror to brighten your day.

Seriously, who reading this blog actually believes in Hillary? Show of hands.

Next, why?

I'm curious.

Keep in mind that I vote independently (split ticket) every time. I have yet to pull the Red Vs. Blue levers and I doubt I will ever do so. Each candidate has to earn my respect, otherwise forget it.

Basically, my current stance is this:

1) Hillary = No fucking way in hell.

I've had enough of the Clinton Political Bullshit Machine and I think after everything I've seen from both Hillary and Bill over the years, it's beyond time to ship them home.

I don't believe I can trust Hillary. I think her health care plans are just as screwed as they were back in the early 90's. I can't align myself to most of her other policies, mostly because I have yet to hear completely honest answers as to what her stances are.

She has a credibility problem in my eyes and I wonder if people are catching that now since Obama's numbers have been shooting up very recently or not. Her sudden campaign to make herself "look caring and human" is little more than whitewash political imaging.

Remember Whitewater, filegate, travelgate, Vince Foster. All that was never fully explained to my satisfaction.

Recall the millions of dollars this country wasted because Bill was a cheating whore and decided that even though he damned well knew he would be caught, he decided that the needs of himself far outweighed the needs of his country.

If they'd really cared, Bill would have given a brief, "Yeah, sorry, my bad" speech and the press would've forgot about it two days later. Nobody would have cared.

Instead, thanks to Bill (and a cocky, rather foolish GOP controlled congress), we were treated to the biggest colossal waste of time ever: Bill's Impeachment Trial.

Look, I'm not a fan of the current Bush either. If we're going for change, can we please ditch the Bush/Clinton cycle NOW before we waste 4-8 years with someone who, quite frankly, gives me serious pause about the future of our government?

2) Obama = Maybe.

I'm still reading up on the guy before I pass my personal judgment on him. He came from out of nowhere in this contest, so I'd like to know more about him before I praise or mock him and his candidacy.

3) McCain = Dear lords, not this shit again.

Quite honestly, I'm rather surprised that he actually has a shot this time around. I'll give this to McCain, he's persistent.

McCain may be more willing to work across the aisle, but I can't say that I'm a total fan of him personally or his policies. The other thing I'm curious about...

...am I the only one who forgets that McCain was one of the Keating Five?

Guess everyone was caught up in S&L woes back then, right? Huh...

I'm not a fan by any stretch, but we shall see how this plays out.

I'm not holding my breath for that knight on a white horse who'll come to save this country. That, I know, will never happen this year.

Teddy Bears & A Fiendish Thingee...

Guess I'm in trouble for wanting to name my new comic character "Mohammed K. Moose," eh?

Seriously. Lighten up, Francis.

And, no, I wasn't serious about naming a character "Mohammed K. Moose."

I much prefer "Kali, the Kooky Koala" instead!

Wait, should I check and see if Ringo Starr is in town before I say that last bit? Hmmm...

Hannah Hannah Bowbanna...

Read this real quick...

Pay real attention to what one mom said:

""My daughter will choke me," says Debbie Piscitella, 41, mother of 9-year-old McKenna and 6-year-old Sebastian. "If I lose, I'm done. I might as well not even go home."

Lady, I hope you're kidding. She'll get over it, trust me. Kids need disappointment every now and then in their lives, it builds character. If you give them everything they want, they become spoiled little Veruca Salts that grow up into spoiled adult-sized Veruca Salts who expect the world on a plate and they want it NOW, DADDY!

Hell, I don't even have kids and yet I understand that.

If her kid has indeed that much control over the household, how can the precious gem deal with her mum away from home for almost two weeks instead of catering to her every need? I guess Hannah Montana, the latest in a series of future former Disney child star train wrecks, must be the proverbial shite with the kids these days.

Let us not forget what frightful horrors that Britney brought into this world.

Beating A Dead Clothes Horse...

A colleague of mine observed that I lack a sense of fashion style.

Perhaps it is in part due to the fact that five days out of any given week, I am clad in the company issued polo shirt, one of the many pairs of khaki pants in my collection and a good hardy pair of hiking boots. My work outfit is my daily armour that tells the world, "here stands a competent, trustworthy editor of video and purveyor of treasured memories."

There is rarely an opportunity for self-expression in clothing choices so I find myself wearing khaki. A lot.

Not that I'm necessarily bothered by this. Truth be told, I haven't worn a pair of jeans since Clinton was in office. I've never been a fan of jeans, nor have I ever found them attractive looking on either myself or the rest of humanity in general, so I can't say that not being allowed to wear jeans has inconvenienced me in any way.

When I'm at home or on my days off, I'm frequently in either my pajama pants and t-shirt, shorts and shirt (t-shirt or decent looking shirt), swim suit and t-shirt or pants (khaki or coloured) and a nice shirt. Usually in my sandals/flip flops (is there no word(s) more foul and cheap-sounding than "sandals" and "flip flops" in the English language?) or a good pair of casual shoes, I rarely find a reason to "look hot" on my days/hours off.

I suppose my lack of "fashion sense" dates back to the parental units who frowned upon designers and expensive frippery. Their position is understandable because they had to raise four boys who would outgrow clothes faster than you could say "growth hormone."

The other parental notion is that while one should not appear in public as a complete slob, there was no sense in squandering a week's salary on one expensive shirt and a pair of slacks when you could purchase an entire weeklong wardrobe for about the same price. Designer labels were meaningless unless they were on deeeeeeeeeeeeep discount.

I can't say that this ever bothered me once I left the "coolness" obsessed teenage years and entered adulthood. I rarely go shopping for clothes, but when I do, I'm looking for good quality at rock bottom prices.

Not that I'm clueless to what is fashionable by any stretch. For a period of time, I dated a gal who worked at a couple of the more prestigious clothing stores. Unlike myself, she WAS quite the clothes horse, so I was treated to lectures regarding the proper seasons to wear white, why one should tuck in their shirt but untuck it just enough to not look geeky and what color hosiery goes perfect with that new skirt and shoes that she just bought herself.

Even though she was a total stuck up bitch most of the time, she did know indeed how to dress. There were a few rare occassions where I actually felt embarassed for not matching the level of her hotness on particular dates.

I still retained the knowledge passed to me by my former SO to this very day, though I rarely admit it. Or care, actually. If you look hot, I'll tell you. If I look hot, it's either a miracle or a special occasion.

Ladies, you have been properly warned.

I suppose I at least have the decency to be decently dressed when around others. There are some people in this world who have no problem answering the front door in their boxers and nothing else. I am not one of those.

Still, it's odd. I've been talking about and taking baby steps towards changing myself. Been feeling so goddamned lost over the past two years that I'm wondering if I could do with a change of style to help the process out a little.

A new, non-surferish hair cut perhaps?

A strict exercise (not that I shouldn't be doing that regardless) regimen to improve the physique?

Or perhaps a different colour of work pants at the very least. I suppose that's as good a place to start as any...

Hilarity Returns...

I've seen a lot of familiar faces over this time, some I knew because of my Dad's job, others I knew by proxy of them being friends of my family and a couple who were lost friends of mine who popped up to reconnect.

I think out of the group, I was most happy to reconnect with my good pal (and frequent nomad) Nic last night. We've been friends for, geez, half our lives now and I believe that we've lost touch with one another no less than five or six times.

It's been strange because in several instances, our lives have frequently run parallel to one another when it comes to personal drama. I would say that were we to combine each others' ex-girlfriends/boyfriends into one big MechaEx, Toyko would be laid to ruin one sunny Sunday afternoon before tea time.

I recall a comment once made about her by someone I know that she was a "heap of trouble" and that I should give her a wide berth. The author of this comment, though I love and respect that person as I have all my life, didn't really see Nic in the same light as I did. I suspect it was because Nic had this rebellious aura around her back then. She looked like a troublemaker.

And sometimes, she could be one too. At least in a completely harmless, hilarious way that someone with her sense of humour would create. Quite the devious prankster is how I'd describe her.

She's been through a hell of a lot in her life and I suppose that is what fascinates me the most about her character. For every setback, every dumb personal choice, every incident of bad shit that life has thrown at her, she's always picked herself up, dusted herself off and found a way to move on.

I envy her strength in a way. I've been through a ton of shit myself, but I've found myself to turn more inward at times more often than to just move on with my life. Perhaps it is just my nature to agonize forever over something until I can compartmentalize it and finally move on.

Overanalysis, that's the problem. Yeah, that's so totally it.

Is it?

Hmmm... Let me think about that...

Anyway, the point is that she's a good person with a good heart. Perhaps not blessed with the greatest amount of luck, but one of the few people alive on this planet who I'd definitely get hit by a Capitol Metro bus if it meant saving her life. I think she'd do the same, except she could stop the bus with her bare hands and make it cry uncle. She's good people and one of my best pals. While we're rarely ever in the same area code of one another and may lose contact for months, nay, years at a time, we'll find each other again eventually and pick up where we left off.

The final note of hilarity in the situation is this: She has been accepted into the police academy, so she's going to be a member of the law enforcement community within 4 to 6 months. Some "troublemaker," eh? Heh.

Seriously though, I'm damned proud of her. She's come a long way, through hell and back and has persevered. Life for her may never be perfect, but that's alright.

Is life ever perfect for anyone?

Aw, Jeez, Not This Shite Again...

Hey, everybody, GUESS WHAT?!?!

No, really, GUESS!

Yep, that's right! It's time to elect a new President of the United States!

wellnotreallyuntil'08butstillwhyaren'tyoupeopleexcitedyet?!?

But don't let the media hear how disinterested you are! When there's not a missing white girl, a pop star on the verge of celebuicide, a senator getting caught for some wacky bathroom hijinks or actual news to report, you can bet that as sure as you woke up today, there's going to be wall to wall coverage of the Presidential feeding frenzy.

So, why are YOU not caught up in the fervor? Why haven't you sent in tens, no, hundreds, no, thousands, NO, YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS111!!!111!!ONEONE!! to the candidate of your choosing?

Do you hate America or somethin'? Fish out that credit card, purge the kids' college funds, sink yourself completely into hock for eternity. Your candidate needs YOUR help, so rush out NOW. Not later today. Not later next week. Rush NOW and back your favourite horse.

Because when they're not stroking the sychophantic cocks of the special interests for that orgasmic rush of millions of dollars spewing into their coffers, they're relying on YOU to feed the coal into the fire. That's right, YOU.

Prepare yourself for 24 hour, non-stop coverage of your candidate as well, providing that they belong to a major party that has quietly and long since abandoned the values of the voting public. Enjoy every dinner, every long-winded soliloquy, every ego-stroking, bullshit speech prepared by lobbyists and professional image doctors.

Watch them shake hands, kiss asses, decry the actions of the current administration, make pie crust promises that are sure to be broken as easily as washing one's hands. Watch as the media defies their false sense of fair reporting and support the one candidate that they are backing by minimizing their faults while exaggerating those of the other candidates.

Watch as the candidates quote Lincoln, invoke the wisdom of Washington, or urge their "Fellow Americans" to buck up and fear not ala Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The wisdom of such leadership has faded long ago, but the words spoken remain as fuel for the Political Machine.

Watch them throw catch phrases, abbreviations, sound bytes or fancy acronyms into the ether to see if they stick to the collective unconsciousness of we U.S. Americans. BOHICA, my fellow citizens, or rather, Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.

Just one thing. Whatever you do, don't have the audacity to do ANY research into your candidate. Libraries are for losers, Bub, so JOIN THE WINNING TEAM! The Media's there to instruct you on who to vote for and if you aren't one for watching the news, don't worry, your candidate is bound to appear on MTV sooner or later...

So Long And Thanks For All The Wildflowers...

On the 13th, I went to pay my respects to former First Lady, Claudia "Lady Bird" Johnson. There was a public viewing throughout the night at the LBJ Presidential Library at UT, so I decided to stop by after work.

Normally, I'm not the type to attend funeral services of public figures, such events are rarely on my radar. I recall watching Reagan's funeral on TV, mostly because he was the President through a good chunk of my childhood and while he had his good and bad points, no one could deny that he had a certain drawing nature to him.

Having lived in LBJ country for almost a decade, it's been interesting to see just how much Lady Bird has had an impact on the environmental beauty that surrounds this part of Texas as well as the rest of the country. It's almost an annual tradition to drive down the minor highways and see groups of people chucking their kids into a patch of bluebonnets, indian paintbrushes or other bunches of wildflowers.

If you haven't had much of a chance to read up on Lady Bird Johnson's life, I recommend you do. She was one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet and had a ton of class.

I heard on the news this morning that the city of Austin has decided to rename Town Lake after her, which is a fitting tribute indeed.

The Sanctity Of "Endeavour"...

I have been queried as to why I seem to prefer the British Standard English spelling of words (colour instead of color, flavour instead of flavor) instead of embracing the Americanized form. After all, I was born in the US so it stands to reason that my readers here in the Colonies state that I should not behave like a pompous twit and utilize the common American format like everyone else.

Truth is, I prefer the British Standard for no real reason other than to behave like a pompous twit. It stands to reason that my endeavour has reached a satisfying conclusion, no?

Alright, so I am pulling your lariat a bit. Here's the real reason:

Way back long time ago when grass was green, a good friend and colleague of mine also named Robert introduced me into the world of British television. Back in that age, it was uncommon for children of our ages or below to even be watching ANYTHING on PBS that didn't include Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, 321 Contact or others in that genre. PBS just wasn't that enticing.

It was soon after meeting Robert that I was first introduced to such shows as 'Allo, 'Allo, Are You Being Served, Father Ted, One Foot In The Grave and, my personal lifelong favourite, Doctor Who. While others in my age group were fascinated with Friends, Seinfeld, I found myself to be locked away in a BBC closet of sorts.

After all, Britcoms and Sci-Fi shows went against the natural order in American high school society. As an American, you had to know what the 'frilly shirt' was about and you had to keep track of how many times Ross would do that almost stuttering protest voice trick thingie per episode.

To me, Friends and Seinfeld were shows that are chock to the brim with New York City humour, which quite honestly bores me to tears. Interesting to note perhaps that a majority of people who I have confessed my affinity for Britcoms to share the same opinion of Britcoms. Except Monty Python's Flying Circus or Benny Hill, those shows seem to have survived the 'coolness test' in most cases.

After exposing myself more and more to what the UK had to offer, I just started doing it one day. I started out using "colour" instead of "color." Finding that hilarious, I began to go further. "Catalog" became "catalogue," "flavor" became "flavour" and so on. I will still use the Americanized versions of words in official correspondence or the like, but when I write for recreational purposes, I endeavour to add a different flavour to my writing by adding an extra few letters here and there.

Hey, at least I don't go so far as to put things in the "boot" of my car or to comment on getting cut off by a "lorry" as I'm driving on the "motorway." At least not yet...

Regression Back To Presentation...

Announcements, announcements, announcements!
What a horrible way to die
What a horrible way to die
What a horrible way, a horrible way, a horrible way to die

We sold our cow
We sold our cow
We have no need
For your bull now

Did you ever see a windbag, a windbag, a windbag
Did you ever see a windbag, well here's one right now
Blows this way and that way and that way and this way
Did you ever see a windbag, well here's one right now

Announcements, announcements, announcements!

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially and unequivocally bored out of my skull. That is all.

Your Love Life Would Be Sweeter, If You Wrapped Your...

From the Myspace Blog of Paris Hilton, copied and pasted exactly as HRH Princess Paris of the Royal House of Hilton posted it at 11:47 PM on 5/8/07:

---+---
My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

NLINE PETITION CREATED TO SUPPORT PARIS HILTON

To sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to
Governor Schwarzenegger that I have created...

please go here:

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781

I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition.
---+---

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you today's youth:

"Hi Paris my name is ****** & I'm your BIGGEST fan. I really want to start out by saying how upset & pissed I am you have to go to jail. I swear 2 god I cried because this is really ridiculous! The 1st thing that came 2 mind was that was the judge's decision because you are who you are. I don't think it's fair & it's not right! I was shoked when I found out but then I was like I should have seen it coming."

Absolutely horrible.

Apart from the obvious lack of proper grammar and spelling in this comment, I implore you to consider the logic behind this statement.

"The judge threw the book at Paris BECAUSE she is famous."

Hate to say it, kid, but the judge threw the book at her because she violated the terms of her probation for the crime of DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL. Here, let me cry these crocodile tears for the wealthy princess who must serve forty-five days at the pleasure of Los Angeles County because she refused to obey the law.

I'll touch on her having to actually serve time instead of paying a fine in a minute. For now, use your brain, kid. What if, while under the influence, she had killed your cat, your best friend or your mom? What if she had smacked into you personally and you were either confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life or were killed?

How "shoked" would you be then, eh?

"Paris, This didnt have to happen! People should be concerned about the war ending, bringing home the troops, etc. This punishment/sentence just isnt fair, and thank god we are voicing our opinions! I hope it all turns out well. Can you appeal the sentence?"

Yes, in the United States of America, you are entitled to pursue an appeal of your case, providing that you actually have one.

Sorry, couldn't resist adding that last part.

She theoretically could appeal her case, but the success of that venture would be unlikely to overturn the conviction. She was caught red-handed violating the terms of her probation by driving with a suspended license.

As for the "unfair sentencing," let me direct you to the California Penal Code. Take special note at the punishments allowed for the criminal act of driving while intoxicated. A person may be confined for up to six months in jail for this crime as well as having to pay a fine.

She was originally given probation and had her license suspended. That was her warning. All she had to do was to keep her nose clean for the length of her probation and she would avoid a stay in the hoosegow.

She violated her probation and perhaps you thought that she could just skate through the judicial system by paying a fine, perhaps?

First of all, what's $400 to $2000 to a girl who's worth millions? She drops that kind of cash in having her nails done.

Secondly, if it had been yourself, myself, or any other average American citizen, we would have likely been sent directly to jail moments after the sentence issued forth from the judge's lips. The point of the justice system in this country is to provide fair and equal justice to all the citizens of the United States as well as to punish those who commit crimes in hopes of their rehabilitation. I believe that this is the judge's intent.

Forty-five days in the county cooler may very well help to straighten her out because quite frankly, I don't know what else would. And neither does the judge.

At best, she'll hopefully learn something. At the worst, she'll come out with more street cred.

Finally, how cute of you to mention that we should be focusing more on the "war and bringing home the troops and stuff."

Because everybody knows that a judge somewhere in California throwing someone famous in the clink for violating the law has everything to do with diverting attention away from the war. And it is no way ironic that such a comment would come from an individual who's posting this comment on the aforementioned someone famous' blog is it?

You want to point fingers at who's to blame for shifting the focus away from the important issues in this world? Point the first finger at yourself, point the next one at the sensational mainstream media and then kindly stick the remaining three up your ass.

"By the way, if you people that have been sending me messages telling me to STOP SUPPORTING PARIS THAT SHE DESERVES THIS, stop sending me that crap now!!! You idiots see this is a PARIS HILTON FANSITE...why wouldnt i support her??? So stop sending me that crap!!! I seriously dont appreciate it!!! I have gotten many messages like this and its not nice and she does not deserve this! Its all totally unfair!!

Paris Hilton is the sweetest, prettiest, beautiful inside and out, smartest, caring woman in the world!!!! [theres alot more nice things about you, it would just take forever. :]] so stop being so jealous of her and support her. :) She rocks my world. :)"

Wow.

I encourage all of you to bask in the sunlight of genius that surrounds us all, my friends....

Bask, I say, BASK!

And be sure to get on your knees and genuflect. Behold the slayer of demons, the cure to all disease and poverty. Behold the mighty saviour that is Paris!

Hail Paris!

Seriously though, wow.

"the only thing I would sign for Paris would be a death warrant.
The skank needs to own up, and face responsibility. "I had one margarita, and all I wanted was an In-N-Out burger"... Come on, Paris. Get real... and get ready to take it rough from Big Bertha in the slammer.

-Andria"

Andria, I love you.

Like The Moment When The Brakes Lock...

Those in Austin remember all too well Charles Whitman and his senseless rampage at the University of Texas tower over 40 years ago. It saddens me to know that yesterday's spree at Viginia Tech replaced Whitman as the country's worst school rampage in our history.

The thing that surprises me just as it has a friend of mine who pointed this out to me this morning. From the responses that he has been getting is that people pointed to racial stereotypes about yesterday's shooting BEFORE considering the possibility that the gunman was most likely suffering from a psychological disorder. Psychological disorders are not limited to "Islamic tehrrrrorissts," and that is something that has been especially ignored conveniently.

I cite as examples:

Charles Whitman, The Manson Family, The DC Snipers, Timothy McVeigh, George Henard, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Jeffrey Dahmer, David Koresh, Jim Jones...

Point is that there is a ton of ignorance in this world that states that differences in race, religion, financial status, gender matter. In the Grand Scheme, they don't. Or at least, they shouldn't. Too much emphasis is placed in society (by the media, governments, entertainment outlets and by the individual choices that people make) on dividing us by what makes us "different" instead of uniting us by our common Human bond and celebrating what makes us different.

In some cases, it's subtle, in most cases it's not. We've been fighting amongst ourselves over these things for thousands of years and realistically none of that will ever end. The only hope we have left in this world is for people to start reaching out to their communities and start making choices towards building global cohesion and friendship, not forging hate and ignorance.

And that is not likely on a global scale.

We are a species that is capable of so much good and enlightenment but, as a species, more often choose the path that leads to such horror and destruction. We Americans spend more on defence annually than we do on educating our children, funding scientific and medical advancements over a four year period.

Think about that for a moment. According to the 2007 budget, our government currently spends 460+/- Billion a year on defence. We spend a combined total of around 114+/- Billion on education, science and technology. If these numbers hold reasonably steady, four years of defence spending would equal SIXTEEN years of spending on education, science and technology.

Am I suggesting that defence isn't important? No, of course not. The world is a tough place and we need to safeguard our citizens and our country from enemies foreign and domestic. Since our country has a proven history of meddling in other people's affairs (and rightly so in bonafide cases regarding the interests of promoting world freedom and protecting our nation), we've made ourself a target over the years. It'd be foolish to not be prepared.

We have this general overwhelming sense that as long as American Idol is on this week and that we know once and for all who was the second party who uploaded Anna Nicole's baby's DNA onto the World People Server, all is right in the world. Why should we waste money on going into space when we have Bin Laden to hunt? Why should we properly fund our schools when teachers "make enough money as it is?"

Why should we study history or geography when it "doesn't apply to anything I need to know?"

Our nation has lost general focus on what is important in life. If we are to survive as a species, we must start working together. We focus too much on "entertainment" or unimportant "fluff" issues that the media kindly spoonfeeds us instead of research, education, science, building friendships, promoting cultural togetherness, mending the rift of gender inequality, events and viewpoints in other nations, social cohesion.

Events like the VT shooting are tragic, but that does not give good cause or reason to start lining up the nearest group of people of a race that is different than the one you happen to belong to just because you think they "look funny." It's attitudes like this that fired the ovens of Auschwitz, set the churches aflame in Mississippi and brought down the Twin Towers.

Think I'm being a little overdramatic?

Study a little history.

Or are you sheeple just too obsessed with finding out if they finally managed to kick Sanjaya off American Idol yet?

And I Grieve For My Sister...

I have been attempting to put some things right in my life that have bothered me for some time. I'm not entirely sure what I hope to gain from some of what I am attempting, but I do hope that I at least learn something, if not about someone else, than myself.

I've been having Brian Wilson's Smile album playing through my head again. Quite honestly, I had never really been a totally huge fan of the Beach Boys, but gorram if I don't find myself listening to Smile at least once a week. I find myself cranking it more when I'm blogging than any other time, which is also something that I cannot fully explain.

Generally, I'll start with "Our Prayer/Gee" and find myself wrapping up somewhere between "Roll, Plymouth Rock" and "In Blue Hawaii." I rarely listen to "Good Vibrations" anymore because every time I hear it, I think of Sunkist.

Those who remember those commercials probably just clicked their heads to the side in knowing of what exactly I'm referring to.

Moving along the Amtrak of Derailed Thought, I attempted to reconnect with a long lost friend of mine. I stumbled across her number, or at least what had been her number, during a cursory search of my effects. Since that number didn't function, I attempted to perform a Google search, found another number and called it. Didn't work either.

I thought about following up with a more intense Google search, but thought better of it. We had been close friends, but lost touch after the fire and our relationships pretty much took control of our respective lives. To me that sucks because it just drives home the point that I have yielded too many friends simply for the sake of keeping my ex-girlfriends happy.

Now I have neither them, nor my friends that had been shelved. Just a stack of old disconnected phone numbers and a bunch of broken promises to keep in touch.

Still, 'tis better to just pick up the pieces and move on. Keep contact with the pals that I do have and go make more. If fate is kind, perhaps the old ones will return. If not, perhaps it was just time for us to move onto different paths.

That does happen in friendships sometimes and 'tis better to recall the hilarity you did have than to sit here and pine for what cannot be. But, yeah, I still think of her sometimes.

Her and Danny. Jesus, I hope he got back from the IO alright. He'd been on the USS Kitty Hawk for awhile before I lost him. The three of us used to get into such crazy adventures. Darren too, but he was Rachel's soon to be ex and he turned into a bit of a jerk after he got his big deal job stocking wine at HEB. Wheehaw.

At least my Indiana, Lubbock & Ft. Worth pals are doing alright. I've heard from all within the past 48, which amuses me vastly.

I was stopped by teh boss, who had stumbled across QTV's website the other day. No idea how, but she found it hilarious. That's good, but unexpected. She said that my comedic machinations helped to cure her of her spleen impaledness.

Wow. I mean, wow. I've been told we're funny, but curing accidental impalings? That's awesome.

Either way, "Windchimes" is starting to play and I have a desire to grab a beer and watch Escape From Alcatraz, which is playing on TCM at the moment. Assuming I can last another 2.5 hours awake, that is.

There Are Those Who Believe...

Yep, it does seem to be Battlestar week here on the ol' blog.

Yesterday, I posted a rather tongue in cheek synopsis of the third season finale of BSG, mostly to tease my good pal W but also because it's my blog and I'll be ridiculous if I want to. What follows next in today's BSG offering is commentary regarding the final episode of this season.

Consider this to be either your "SPOILER ALERT" if you have yet to see the episode or your opportunity to read another entry, which I should be posting shortly after this one if BSG simply does not interest you. Or you can go grab a roast beef sandwich, if you prefer!

But, if you are curious about BSG, I encourage you to stick around. It's not quite like what you'd expect out of a sci-fi series, trust me.

Still with me? Good! Let's begin...

Part I - The Original Series

Back in the 70's, there was a guy with a plan. His name was Glen Larson, who was really starting to come into his own as a show producer and creator.

He had this idea that humans didn't come from Earth. The human race actually was born on the distant world Kobol, which is practically on the other side of the galaxy from here.

Larson tied in a lot of religious themes into the series, borrowing elements from Greco-Roman-Egyptian mythology, the religious beliefs of Eastern cultures, a dash of Hebrew/Christian faith and also drawing from Mormonism, Larson's professed faith.

The story goes that the human race was cast out from Kobol, forced to colonize other worlds. There were 13 established tribes of humankind, twelve of which elected to colonize worlds located in close proximity to each other. The 13th tribe chose a different path, setting out across the galaxy to colonize the planet Earth.

Communication between the other colonies and Earth eventually broke down and as the millenia passed, Earth dropped from being a recognized distant outpost of mankind to achieving a mythical status of it's own.

The other twelve colonies flourished, establishing a loose confederation of sorts that promoted peace and cooperation between the different factions. Then one day, a horrible event took place.

They met the Cylons.

In Larson's original treatment, the Cylons were a reptilian species that had been overcome by their own creations, a series of artificially intelligent robots who soon found their masters to be a hinderance to their desire to rule absolutely. They set about expanding their empire, eventually coming into contact with the humans as well as other species.

A war eventually ensued between human and Cylon, leading to great losses between the two. A heady peace was proposed and when the humans thought that the end to the war was in sight, the Cylons launched a devastating all out sneak attack on the colonies while the colonial's main defense, a fleet of heavily armed warship/fighter craft carriers known as battlestars, were assembled away from the colonies at the location of the "peace conference" that was to take place.

Out of billions of people, only a handful of the human race survived. Just about every battlestar was destroyed, with the notable exception of the Galactica.

The Galactica was commanded by Adama, who was the leader of one of the 12 colonies, Caprica. He quickly came to the realization that the war had been lost and that the only hope for mankind was to flee the 12 colonies and search for the legendary 13th tribe on Earth.

After a brief stop at Caprica, the Galactica sets forth on its journey, picking up stray colonial ships and forming a fleet of ships crammed with survivors. Conditions are rough and there is little in the way of protection against the pursuing Cylon fleet apart from the single battlestar and her complement of Viper fighter spacecraft, piloted by the heroes of the series, Apollo & Starbuck as well as your usual "guy who died in this episode" type characters.

Sounds kind of cheery, no? Believe me, it hooked me like an albacore.

Gad, I can remember the first time I watched the original series. True, it was indeed a product of the 70's and had more continuity issues than I am normally comfortable with in a series but I found myself glued to it every time it was on the Sci Fi channel. Between BSG and Buck Rogers, I wouldn't miss it even if I'd seen the same episodes more than a few times.

Anyway, the show opened to good reviews. The major problem working against BSG?

It cost too damned much to make. Even by recycling special effects (which they did a LOT of), the budget was just a little too unwieldy for the network to stomach.

Larson was told off and was forced to go along with what the network wanted. Good stories, but cheaper. Wayyyy cheaper.

Which led to...

II. Galactica 1980

Voted as one of the worst series in sci-fi ever, Galactica 1980 supposedly takes place 30 years in the future, with the fleet reaching Earth.

The budget cuts were easy here. Recycle a lot of the special effects from the previous series, fire a majority of the original cast (so they don't ask for more money), bring in a new cast of people that you likely have never heard of before and place a majority of the story lines on the ground of 20th century Earth.

This suckfest was doomed from the start. I was surprised that Lorne Greene even agreed to be part of it, guess he needed the work or something. With a batch of bad storylines, unenjoyable characters and below par acting, 1980 was put to bed before the season reached the halfway point.

But, the fanbase of the first show remained and slowly gained more and more followers. Much like the Firefly "Browncoats," the BSG crowd plotted and schemed to bring their show back...

III. BSG, Re-imagined

Flash forward 23 years. After efforts were made into reviving the series, things were set in motion. The Sci-Fi channel agreed to a proposal from the current show's producers Ron Moore (who'd been highly involved with Star Trek: TNG and had been taking a Turn at trying to get Anne McCaffrey's Dragonriders of Pern series to TV) and David Eick to create a new Battlestar Miniseries.

It would contain a lot of the same concepts as the original show such as the Cylons, the destruction of the colonies, the search for Earth, but would also break new ground in the storyline.

Big differences abound. This time around, the Cylons were actually created by humans and then turned against their creators. Adding to the mix are the humanocylons, which are Cylons who look and act completely human.

The fleet is also searching for Earth, but you see a lot more into the lives of the survivors, their struggles and interactions than you did on the previous show.

The miniseries was actually a ripping success and Sci-Fi authorised a new BSG series, with the first 13 episodes airing a year later.

What grips me with the new series is that the writing is nothing short of spectacular, the acting is superb. The show focuses more on the drama aspect than the neat special effects, so it offers more to a wider audience.

I've loaned out my series DVD's to friends, co-workers and have managed to hook quite a few, including, yes, LADIES. There's really something for everyone in this show and I think that's why it's been as successful as it has been. Each season just gets more and more awesome, but I did have a little concern after watching the season finale, which leads me into deep SPOILER TERRITORY. I'd suggest watching the previous three seasons worth of episodes before braving the next section.

You are duly warned! ;)

IV. Season 3 Finale

First of all... What the hell? The Col., The Chief, The Pyramid Freedom Fighter & The President's Chief of Staff are four of the final five?

Apart from Tyrol, I had no clue. That's messed up, especially Tigh, given his history. It pisses me off that I have to wait almost a year to find out what happens next. Damnit, damnit.

A final note. Is it just me or is anyone else hoping that they don't reach Earth until they decide to end the series?

Seriously. If the Galactica was to arrive here right now, would the show not suck? Think about it. The 21st century is off to a bad start, folks, and if you don't believe me, you haven't been paying much attention.

What sort of help are we going to be to our long lost brothers and sisters from amongst the stars?

Ponder that for a few.

Finally, it's either Starbuck or some unknown who is the final unannounced Cylon. Definitely not Baltar because that'd be too easy and I think his role is more of the "prophet" than the "messiah." It'll be interesting to see what wacky adventures he gets into next season!

A Response In C-Minor...

Read this post on Wonko's Corner before you read the rest of this post.

Back now? Good. Anyway, here's my reply. It was a little lengthy to post on his comments section, but keep reading. Things get out of hand, I promise...

1) $1,000 Pizza.

As a former pizza transportation and customer service professional, I'd like to say that not only will I happily provide this delightful item but as an added bonus if you act now, I will also include ONE FREE swift kick to your beanbag that you can keep as my special gift to you.

Call in the next ten minutes and I'll also include free steel toe bootage to the face, that's right, absolutely FREE!

$1,000 pizza. Jesus.

2) The Donald Vs. The O'Donnell.

Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are both class AAAAA attention whores. The arrogant attitudes of both really grate on my nerves.

How 'bout we hold an eating contest to see how many $1,000 pizzas they can eat in an hour?

Think about it! We can award a kick to the beanbag of the winner! We can then also award a kick to the beanbag of the loser!

Think about the publicity! It'll be stellar, man.

Seriously, they both need to shut up and get back to work.

3) Heather Mills.

It is the idea that someone thought her important enough to extend an invitation.

Seriously?

I was thinking that it was a miracle that they hadn't asked Wink Martindale & Tonya Harding to be on the show. It'd be awesome.

They'd start dancing, Wink and his partner would win a round, setting Tonya off into a full on bloodrage. Tonya punches Wink in the beanbag, and quickly grabs Heather's fake leg and breaks Heather's other leg with it.

A tussle ensues and Wink, after taking a few recovering breaths, pulls out some tricks of his own by casting the Game Show Host Hair Of The Infinite spell, which knocks Tonya out like a sucker on Celebrity Boxing.

Seeing her opportunity to knock out another competitor, Heather casts Ex-Beatle Wife of Unlimited Income, temporarily incapacitating Wink with a mighty law suit.

Wink somehow manages to recover by some fancy legal footwork and cuts off Heather's next attack by casting X Blocks The Square, shielding him and also shooting hot piles of pork products back at her in the process.

Unfortunately for Heather, she didn't throw a good enough defense roll so she drowns underneath a pile of bacon bits and porkchops.

As Wink surveys Heather's gruesome, yet tasty, demise, Tonya regains consciousness and pounces on Wink, shouting about how "it was unfair, my shoelace broke" and "gimmie another chance, judges!"

They struggle on the ground for a few moments before Ian Zierling, who had been sitting on the sidelines wishing that Aaron Spelling was still around to give him a job, joins the fracas.

Ian reaches within his fancy coat and pulls out his "Steve Sanders Sword of Slicing" and quickly seperates Tonya's head from her torso, George Lucas style. He helps the weakened Wink to his feet and they both stand and observe the carnage.

Wink turns to Ian. "Thanks, kid, you saved my life!"

Ian dusts himself off and cocks one of his famous toothy grins. "No problem, Mr. Martindale, I was happy to help!"

"I bet you are, kid," Wink chuckles as he suddenly thrusts his hand right through Ian's chest and rips out his heart, "I bet you are."

Ian looks at his own heart in shock for a second before falling over dead. With all the other competitors dead, Wink was now assured of being the grand prize winner.

"After all," Wink chuckled wickedly as he watched Ian's heart slow to a stop, "there can be only one..."

---+---

Oh, wait, sorry, what? You mean Dancing With The Stars is about DANCING?!?

*sigh*

Moral Centralia...

*Annoyingly Boldfaced Warning*

The following post contains excessively vulgar language and concepts that are not for the faint of heart or the easily offended. Read further at your own risk.

GAS PRICES!!!

Hey, don't say I didn't warn you.

If you are still with me, then I compliment you on having a strong constitution thus far. But wait, gentle readers, I'm just getting started...

I'm willing to bet that the oil industry is quite likely having quite a large boner over the upcoming summer price hikes. Yes, I said "BONER."

In fact, we're not just talking about any kind of boner, no sirree. We're talking about the King of Boners. The combined height of the mega tower that would result if we took both of the Patronus Towers, converted them to oil derricks and stood one on top of another. And then take that tower and keep building it with the "tons of carbon" that Al Gore keeps talking about.

I bet the erection of such a tower could be witnessed from space. It would be mammoth. An oil derrick that reached as far into space as possible.

Might even poke the Moon's eye out, that's how big we're talking about.

I'm not totally against capitalism, far from it. But when I read in the news about "record-breaking profits" in the oil industry seemingly every quarter, it gives me a little pause.

We haven't built a refinery in this country for over 30 years. Our capacity for refining gasoline is dropping below the demand for it. New discoveries and production of oil is slowly on the decline.

And quite honestly, that's the way they like it. Basic law of supply and demand.

Why build a refinery when they can pull in more cash and not have to squander it on construction costs, meeting environmental standards, etc.?

Nope. Keep it restricted as much as possible. After all, if their end point customers are willing to pay, why back off?

Speaking about fattening their own pockets instead of really getting to work on the problems of an increasing worldwide population and the slowly dwindling supply of natural resources on this planet...

Oh, what, you saw what I did there?

Heh. Think about it for a sec.

Isn't the purpose of the Strategic National Reserve to help stabilize in times of supply disruptions? To help prevent sudden price hikes when disaster strikes?

Alright, let's think about that for a minute. When Hurricane Katrina (and Rita to a lesser extent) smacked the Gulf Coast, prices at the pump almost doubled over the course of the next couple of months. The damage across the Gulf was fairly substantial, but when the prices shot up so we were mostly assured that they would head back to normal after things calmed down.

Ok. Take a look for a moment at where the current SNR storage facilities are located.

From Wikipedia:

Bryan Mound - located near Freeport, Texas. Has a capacity of 226 million barrels (36,000,000 m³).
Big Hill - located near Winnie, Texas. Has a capacity of 160 million barrels (25,000,000 m³).
West Hackberry - located near Lake Charles, Louisiana. Has a capacity of 219 million barrels (35,000,000 m³).
Bayou Choctaw - located near Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Has a capacity of 72 million barrels (11,000,000 m³).

All locations are rather damned close to the Gulf. Winnie & Lake Charles located near Rita's path, Baton Rouge being west of Katrina's.

Since the Gulf is a major source of domestic oil as well as containing key ports, oil and gas refineries, it makes sense to keep the oil close at hand to the middle of the country so that it could be distributed where needed.

So, it's a 50/50 proposition. As long as the hurricanes stay away, there's no reason things won't be hunky dory again really soon in the next couple of years, right?

Wrong.

The situation is this. The President has ordered an increase of the SNR to over a BILLION barrels of stored oil, up from the current 727 million barrel capacity.

This means that the government will likely be drawing around 100,000 barrels off the market every day to meet this new storage target.

That means less oil on the daily market that could be converted into gas, folks. Supply and demand.

Other factors that tie into the price of oil:

* Trading in oil futures & speculation.
* Production end issues, supply, transportation to refineries.
* Political instability, diplomatic issues between nations, war.
* Price fixing by major oil producing countries and corporations.
* Lack of serious alternative energy implementation.
* Forgetting the lessons of the late 70's, where America drove huge, gas guzzling bastard machines and traded them in during the 80's for more fuel efficient vehicles, cars slowly again became larger and more gas wasteful. It gets to the point where you seriously do want to cock punch the guy in the H2 and kick his 10 MPG driving ass.
* God and his witty sense of humor.

We've heard so much talk about researching into alternative fuels, global climate change, our "carbon footprints." The sad irony is that it is more how the money in our bank account is affected rather than the effect that we are supposedly making on the environment with our tomfoolery that is even driving this discussion.

Flash back two decades and one year ago. The Chernobyl nuclear facility, thanks to the efficiency and grand progressive design of the plant courtesy of the USSR, had a little problem. One that essentially has resulted in the virtual shut down of surrounding miles and miles of territory. Territory that was now going to "glow in the dark" for a few centuries.

Back then, the prevailing view was that nuclear plants were the Devil. True, the impact of a potential nuclear disaster was quite daunting, but the more learned truth behind the situation was that nuclear power was, over the long term, more efficient and cost effective. As long as the facility didn't explode, we were in for cheaper power and a cleaner environment.

Well, a cleaner overall environment except for certain underground vaults located in the southwestern United States that will contain the severely radioactive waste products for hopefully thousands of undisturbed years.

Nuclear plants were built, but the nation still primarily relied on fossil fuels for power. Some effort was made into tapping into solar, wind and geothermal energy, but not enough to offset the increasing demands for more power.

So far, I've been pointing a lot of fingers in every direction. Truth is, I'm just as much a part of the problem as everyone else is.

I drive a small pickup, while it does get fairly reasonable gas milage, it doesn't get as much as my old Saturn did. I need the pickup for work purposes, so I can justify its usefulness.

The problem I face is that I work in a city that has a housing market that is on its way to rivaling Southern California's. The cost of living in this town is such that I literally cannot afford to live close to where I work based on my salary. I currently have a roommate, but even then I have a 14.2 mile commute to work every morning.

This is better than the 32 mile one way trip I used to have when I lived south of the city, but it still hits the wallet every time I stop at the gas station.

My chosen career path is one where there aren't too many places that I can go to for a job that is closer to home. So, I have to commute.

Public transportation in this town is a fucking joke. To get to work by taking the bus, I'd literally be sitting on a series of buses for around two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening. I cannot bike to work since I live that far away and there isn't anyone to rideshare with.

My point is with this that I still make the choice to go to work every day. I love what I do, but if I had to, sure I could find something else that is closer.

Meanwhile, I'm sucking down 28 gallons of gas a week going to work, running errands, meeting up with friends who live across town and what not. I'm just as much to blame as anyone else.

If we're going to get serious about finding ways to get off oil, then we should stop bitching about it and fucking do it already. The prices are only going to go up, especially once we hit global Peak oil. There is a finite amount of resources on this planet, kids, and that is a fact.

It's only a matter of time.

Oy.

Having a rough moment.

A client of mine has asked me today to enhance the sound on some footage that contains some highly sensitive information on it. While I will not go into detail about the contents of the footage, I have to say that whatever compensation this person is seeking, it will not be anywhere near enough to what they deserve. I can hardly look at it without a twinge of deep sadness for what the client is going through after something like this.

Meanwhile, I'm transferring footage for someone's 35th anniversary, some kid's dance recital, some guy's hunting trip, a baby's first steps and a ton of slides that someone took during their vacation to Utah.

Life as a professional video editor is not without its odd balance.

Tea & Theatre

Will you have some tea
at the theatre with me?

We did it all - didn't we?
Jumped every wall - instinctively
Unravelled codes - ingeniously
Wired all the roads - so seemlessly

We made it work
But one of us failed
That makes it so sad
A great dream derailed

One of us gone
One of us mad
One of us, me
All of us sad

All of us sad - lean on my shoulder now
The story is done - it's getting colder now
A thousand songs - still smoulder now
We played them as one - we're older now

All of us sad
All of us free
Before we walk from the stage
Two of us
Will you have some tea?
Will you have some tea
At the theatre with me?

-The Who

Just the song that's been playing through my head the past few days.

A Wake For An Honoured Guest...

Gather around and hoist a cold one of your choosing, for it is time for me to toast the memory of teh Kate.

*pours a cold Sierra Nevada into the glass*

I remember the time when we were going to entertain guests at the house. I had spent a few hours marinating some steaks and when they were almost ready for the grill, I left the bowl containing the steaks on the counter while I went outside to double check the grill's readiness.

I remember coming back in two minutes later to find an empty bowl and Katy was suddenly not anywhere around. I found her in the bedroom, laying on her bed with one of the biggest guilty looks I have ever seen.

It didn't take me more than a second to catch a whiff of steak breath to know without a doubt as to where the evening's feast went to. I was so mad at first, but just seeing that priceless look on her gob proved that I was truly just a softy at heart.

"How'd it taste, brat?" I grinned at her as she sunk down as low as she could. Then, she gave the slightest of burps and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, ok. You're still grounded, kid. No fetch for you this evening!"

She gave me a sigh that practically said, "Sorry, Dad. It was just too much to resist."

She'd snatch the ocassional dinner every now and then, so I learned that if I was going to make something tasty like hamburgers, I'd better make her one as well. Just hold the pickles! was the unspoken request.

Salut!

*Downs a sip*

Now, my brother reminded me last night of the time when I used Katy to help me play a prank on a SO, who was a pre-k teacher. The SO had been cutting out huge die cuts of letters to use in her classroom. I remember taking a picture of Katy standing over a pile of one letter that I had arranged on the floor in particular.

"Sorry, dear," I aplogized as I passed over the picture I had taken, "Katy 'P'd on the floor earlier and I thought you just had to see..."

Yep, I had taken a pile of die cuts of the letter P, spread them on the floor and had Katy stand over them as I took a picture.

Good times!

*Downs another gulp*

I remember when Katy had puppies. She had been a 'teenage mom', getting with a black lab during her first heat instead of the golden retriever that I had in mind for her when she had her second heat.

Even then, I still remember that long day and into the night as I stood vigil with her. If one ever wants to experience the joys of new life and hasn't had a kid, helping to bring puppies into the world is probably the closest thing.

She was so brave and I had never been prouder of her. The experience of raising puppies, while messy, was one of the cherished pet memories I've had. I remember Katy being with me as each puppy left for a good home. If she wasn't happy with the prospective owner, no deal. Judging by the homes that her kids went to, Katy had a good sense of who were truly Good People.

It's a lot of comfort to me that my folks have one of her puppies. At least I can still see something of her in Cocoa. Think I'll pop down for a surprise visit to give my grandpuppy a hug this week!

Cheers!

*Another one down the hatch*

When we had the house fire that essentially made us temporarily homeless, I remember how much I relied on Katy for support. I know it seems strange to some, but I know that she knew that things were very amiss and her reaction to it was to try to be strong.

She stuck by me that whole time and no matter how depressed I was or whatever else I was going through in life, she was always there to snuggle right next to me and let me know that she was there. That she cared.

That meant more to me than I think either of us realized. We may have lost our home and the cards may have been stacked against us for awhile, but she was there to see me through.

I remember how she was after my grandmothers died, both a year apart from each other. I didn't want to leave the house, let alone crack a smile, yet Katy always found a way to make me chuckle by her antics.

Big hearted kid, she was.

Here's one in honour of my friend in thick and thin!

*A long gulp for the love of that big, strawberry blonde clown!*

I remember that some of the best times were floating down the river. She'd get her own tube and while she seemed to spend half the trip happily swimming circles around the tubes, she was having the time of her life.

Some of the other best times we had were usually rides that we'd take in my truck. She loved nothing more than a long car ride because it meant that we were going on an adventure. Even if that adventure was to boring places such as the bank, or unwelcome places, such as the vet for her annual checkup. It was still something fun and exciting in her eyes.

Here's to those who find amusement in the most ordinary of circumstances...

*Another long sip*

Finally, here's a final toast to her memory. Thank you Katy for your lessons in taking things easy in life and for your love. I will never forget you. Fair winds and all the medium-rare steaks you can eat to ya kid.

Here's to Katy, the best friend a guy could have!

*Drains glass*

In Memory of My Best Friend...

Katy
4/25/00 - 10/11/06

It's hard to describe to non-pet owners about how it feels to lose a pet. Most pet owners would say it was like losing a best friend or family member.

For me, Katy was both.

I spoke some time ago of the day we met. Myself, the struggling photographer stuck in Houston for a summer who just happened to drive by one day, Katy the sleepy golden puppy who seemed to have not one care in the world.

The polar ice cap surrounding my heart melted as I stared into those sweet brown eyes that day. I knew that we were going to be best pals through thick and thin.

Flash forward 6.5 years later.

I received a frantic phone call last night as I was attempting to finish an order that I had due out early today. "Get here quick," the voice pleaded between sobs, "Katy's been hit by a car. I think... I think she's dead."

It was one of those moments when time stops. The only thing you are aware of is your breathing as the primal instinct of protecting your loved ones takes over. The car runs on automatic, using only the small part of your brain that is not otherwise occupied.

I arrived to find my little girl in the trunk of a car. She had been moved from the scene of the accident the only way that the person who called me could. The police had come and gone and I briefly recall myself asking why no one had tried CPR on her, forgetting briefly that I was talking about a dog and not a human.

I opened the trunk and there she was, still warm yet limp and lifeless. Her eyes were opened slightly and I could see from the lack of any movement and by the condition of her rib cage as I picked her up that she was indeed gone.

The next thing I can remember is cleaning my garage. Somehow I had moved her from the trunk to my truck to the garage without even realizing how long it took.

I had fetched her bed and laid her on it, having gently wrapped her up in her favorite blanket. It was then, as I stared at her when I finally lost it. She looked like she was just taking a nap, that she would hear my voice and would somehow spring to life again.

Since it was late, the vet was closed. I had to make arrangements for her... Funeral? Burial? What, I didn't know.

I rent, so I knew right away that I couldn't just pick out a nice spot in the back yard for her. I had briefly thought about asking my folks if I could bury her on their property, but a part of me knew fairly well that they probably wouldn't be amused by such a request. They might grudgingly agree, but I just don't think it was worth the drama.

I called the emergency number of the vet and contacted the local shelter. My choices were few. No one could take her in until 8 AM the next day for the purposes of cremation and the only other option that the people who answered the phone gave me was to take her to the shelter and place her in the dumpster they use for animal body disposal.

Dump my Katydid in a dumpster? I think the words "fuck" and "no" seemed to follow one another in rapid succession.

So, I did the only thing that I could do. I had a few beers and a big cry.

The place was littered with little reminders of her everywhere. A picture here, a tennis ball there, her leash hanging silently from the peg on the wall.

I don't remember sleeping more than an hour or two last night. I had a long talk with my brother, who above all I knew would understand. I chatted with my friend Trystera on teh Internets well into the wee hours until I finally managed to pass out, going out to the garage one last time to wish Katy a good night's sleep. As ridiculous as that may sound to some, it's hard to break the habits of 6.5 years. Anyone stupid enough to tell me that I'm nuts for that can go die in a fire.

Also, the assholes in this world who smack into beloved family pets and don't even bother to either move the animal or attempt to call the owner by looking at the tags on their collars can ALSO die in a fire. To hear it correctly, the fucknut didn't even bother to stop. Just *thump* and "What was that? Oh well..." hit and run dickshittery.

Harsh? You're absolutely goddamned right. I'm grieving, so suck it.

Somehow, 7 AM creeped upon me and I rose to get ready for the unwelcome task ahead. I put on my grubby housework clothes and walked into the garage.

"Morning, Kate," I choked back a few tears when I realized that she wasn't jumping up to see me, tail wagging all the time, "it's time to get ready to go for one last ride in the truck."

I snipped a few hairs from her fluffy tail. I thought I'd wrap a little ribbon around them and put the bunch in with a picture I had taken of her a year back. I got the idea from after my grandmother died. The funeral home had clipped a few hairs from my grandma and placed the lock of hair inside a little picture frame and gave it to my grandfather after her cremation. I thought the idea was sweet.

After that, I wrapped another blanket around her. It needed to be done, let's just leave it at that.

With one big heave, I lifted her, dog bed and all, into the back of my truck. The ride to the vet was a short one. The people were very kind and helped me to bring her inside.

They placed her on an exam table and it was time to say my goodbyes. The vet left me alone with her for a few more minutes and I scratched her gently behind the ear one last time.

Goodbye, Katybelle. I will always love you, my fluffy friend...

Since the day we first met, Katy and I have seen quite a few times, both good and bad. We've survived a house fire, we've chased tennis balls like there was no tomorrow, been there during the trials and emotional upsets that life throws at you and we've gone on more rides in my truck than I can recall.

You know the thing I loved most about the Kate?

The fact that no matter how horrible a day I had, no matter who I had pissed off or offended in some way or another, whenever I walked into the house, she was always there to greet me. She was always genuinely happy to see me. She was loyal, always happy to lend an ear (providing I scratched it, of course :) ) and just the sweetest dog you'd ever meet.

I always felt loved when Katy was around, even if my pitching arm grew tired of lobbing tennis balls hither and yon. She was happiest when we were together and I just couldn't foresee a time when we wouldn't be. Six point five years was too goddamned short.

I will miss my fluffy golden, more than anyone could understand. If there truly is a dog heaven, may she have all the bones and steak that she can eat, chase all the tennis balls that she wants and swim in the big, blue river in the sky.

G'night, my dear. I hope that wherever you are, you're happy.

Someone Buy This Lady a Beer...

"We have received your request to license footage on Dimebag Darrell Abbott for your upcoming production of, "25 Most Chilling Hollywood Murders."

While we realize the average E! audience most likely has the IQ of an umbrella, they collectively are a smarter bunch than the lot of you. Your programming creativity falls somewhere to the bottom of the middle at best, and that's saying a lot.

I ask that you all please take a moment from your busy days and close your eyes. Live out the fantasy of playing your favorite instrument onstage. Your closest friends in the world surround you, either in the band or in your crew. From one side of the stage, a man approaches. Thinking he's a security guy or a drunk fan who¹s just a bit out a line, you continue to perform. Two seconds later, he lifts his arms, aims a rifle at your brother, your best friend, your buddy and blows his brains out, not three feet from where you are. In the nanosecond it takes you to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened, he does it again ...and again ...and again ...and again ...and again ...and again before taking aim and murdering additional members of your extended family as well as fans that have come to see you play. Two of your crew are shot but survive, but of course, will never be the same gain.

Now imagine it's a few years later and you turn on the TV set. Just in case you may be having at least a five minute respite from that scene that plays over and over in your head, just in case .....you flip through the channels and there it is. Again. Only with some two bit actor who thinks this is his big Hollywood break.

And please, if you don't like that scenario, make believe it¹s your child who got his brains splattered all over a stage in Ohio. And then you turn on E! Oh, the magic of television!

In case none of this appears clear enough and you need a definitive answer to your request...no. The answer if no, and on behalf of everyone that was there that night and everyone that misses him every day, you can take that no and shove it up your collective asses.

And, for your second request, yes, you can quote me on that.

Sincerely,
Jane Hoffman"

Rise Up, Rebel, Wait, What Are We Protesting?

As some of you may be aware, some kids are taking to the streets in protest as the U.S. Congress is considering immigration reform.

It happened here locally in Austin and while I admire them for their moxious maneuver, I can't say that these protests will have any real lasting effect. What politician will honestly listen to anyone who can't even vote yet? Hell, it's hard enough getting them to listen to those who can.

I happened to witness part of this march as the Del Valle crowd meandered towards downtown. I had heard something about them progressing down Hwy 71 (which is by far the most dunderheaded example of numbskullery ever since 71 is a BUSY controlled access FREEWAY) on the radio, but was rather surprised to see that they had made their way all the way up to Airport Blvd. Airport is another busy street but at least Airport has sidewalks.

The crowd was calmly cordoned and escorted by APD as they made their long pilgrimage downtown. Thank the lords of Kobol that someone downtown had a little common sense, even if the crowd didn't.

Supporters honked and cheered as they passed the kids who were waving Mexican flags and enjoying an orderly yomp down the street. Most of their faces were determined, but they seemed to be taking things in stride, literally.

The one question I had after reading the article (especially from the quote of one of the protestors) was about whether or not the kids were really truly informed about what the issues were. I'm not saying that kids are dumb by any stretch of the word, but I can't help but think that a little of the teenage groupthink had a hand in this.

When I was in middle school, about 190 kids also staged a walkout. The issue they rose up about was over certain new rules handed down by the principal that the student body felt crossed the line. I think it was mostly related to the draconian 'tough love' punishments that the guy instituted for such minor infractions ie. 2 days of OCA (ICS or whatever you may have known as during school detention or in school suspension in your day) for chewing gum, or detentions given for forgetting your textbooks and more that the passage of time has driven from my memory.

The plan was to bolt out the doors during 2nd period. The bell rang and the crowd surged for the doors. What ensued was a fiasco. Kids running everywhere, administrators and teachers attempting to round them up to get them back to class.

Eventually, those who made their escape did so and order was restored as those who were caught were herded into the gym for detention processing. They actually held detention in the gym for a couple of days to punish those who were caught attempting to leave campus. Those who succeeded in escape were caught, charged with truancy and were sentenced to 1 week suspension.

Afterwards, discussions were held to discover why the kids left campus. Over half of them didn't have a response other than they wanted to skip class. Some of the kids were sincerely protesting the new policies and the rest were protesting because their friends were.

The lesson from all this?

The principal not only chose to ignore the complaints of the students, but tightened the screws even further. It wasn't until THEIR PARENTS got involved en masse and went to the school board that he was forced to loosen up a bit to save face.

So, in some ways, the kids really did have an effect. While they themselves could not vote, they were able to influence the minds of those who could.

Kids aren't as dumb as people think they are, don't forget that. While some have other motives for actions such as this, it is always a good idea to listen. You may just very well learn something important.