Scrambled Eggs O' Plenty...

Congratulations, consumer, you're hungry!

You have decided to grab the brass ring and are about to join the exciting world of the post-cardiac afterlife! We welcome you on your descent into the foul pit where the Horned One awaits you with habanero-flavored ice cream and an eternity of gastric torment journey to spiritual and gastric enlightenment!

First, let us assemble our ingredients! You will need the following ingredients to serve four people:

7-8 Large Eggs
1/4 cup of milk
8 Strips of Bacon
1 half red onion
1 large red potato
1 green bell pepper - diced
A Pinch (or two to three lazy ass shakes) of Allspice
A Pinch (or two to three lazy ass shakes) of Salt
A Pinch (or two to three lazy ass shakes) of Pepper
1 tbsp of Tobasco brand Smoked Chipolte sauce.
1 Cup of cheese (I tend to enjoy a blend of cheddar & Monterrey jack)
8 flour tortillas

Alright, so you have assembled the ingredients, GOOD WORK! You are now ready to go to the next level.

Start off by cleaning the bell pepper, red onion and potato. You don't know where they've been and vegetables will lie to your face.

While you're at it, go wash your hands, ya filthy animal. No, wait. On second thought, when was the last time you took a proper shower?

THAT LONG?!?!?! Go take a shower! Don't be afraid of the soap and shampoo, they aid you in your quest for cleanliness!

Don't worry, we'll wait...

...

All clean? Excellent. Towel off and return to the kitchen. It might be too much for a reasonable person to expect you to put clothes on, but do keep in mind that you are about to work with a hot skillet and crackling bacon. Clothes are highly recommended in the kitchen, I assure you.

Take your freshly cleaned vegetables and begin to dice them into small pieces. It may help to hum a little tune to make the job less tedious.

Mix your eggs, milk, allspice, salt and pepper together inside a bowl. Set aside. DO NOT ADD THE CHEESE YET!

Next step is to grab a large skillet, the largest one you have. You can also do this on a flat griddle, just be mindful of the perilous sides.

Gentlemen, and the ladies, FRY YOUR BACON!

Let that bacon cook to near done-ness. Don't let it burn to a crisp, nor let it be still oinking. Just near to done-ness.

Remove bacon and drain most of the bacon grease. Leave enough to just coat the bottom of the skillet.

Dice the bacon into small chunks of holy goodness and set aside, covered.

Put the diced potato, onion and bell pepper into the skillet and cook, stirring frequently for three to four minutes.

Add egg mixture and bacon to the skillet and maintain a constant vigil, stirring the now soupy mess with a wooden spoon. Add the smoked chipolte Tobasco and keep stirring. It may also seem logical to add cheese at this stage, but NO, PERMISSION NOT GRANTED. Exercise patience and keep stirring!

After a few minutes, the eggs will adopt a fluffy, solid scrambled egg appearance. Once this is achieved, you are cleared to add cheese!

Stir that mixture until all the cheese is melted. Sample a small bit and add further seasoning or the smoked chipolte tobasco to your personal taste.

Turn off the heat so you don't start a fire. Scoop healthy portions of your scrambled egg perfection into the flour tortillas and serve.

Enjoy!

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Figured I'd share this recipe since I personally can't eat it anymore. It now runs free on the farm to live out a happy life without me. ;)

Since It Somehow Got Clobbered Before...

Used to have this recipe posted on the blog but it went AWOL for some reason. Since Fall is here, I thought it necessary to unleash it upon the world again!

Enjoy!


Homemade Chicken Pot Pie

2 Unbaked pie crusts (Mrs. Smith's works fine in a hurry. If you have time, it's even better to make your own from scratch!)
6 Tbsp. Butter
1/2 Cup chopped onion
1/2 Cup flour
1 Tsp. salt
3 Cups chicken broth
1/2 Cup green peas, shelled
2 Medium sized carrots, chopped or sliced
3 Cups of cooked chicken, sliced into small pieces.

Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees.

Saute onion in butter. Blend in flour and salt. Add broth to mixture all at once.

Cook and stir mixture until thick and bubbly. Add chicken, peas, carrots and chicken. Stir mixture to a soft bubbling boil.

Pour mixture into one of your ready-made pie crusts. Carefully remove the pie crust dough from the other pie crust pan and cover over the now filled pie crust. Gently pinch the edges of the pie crusts together to seal the pie shut.

Next, carefully cut two to three small slits in the top pie crust. Bake the pie at 450 for 10-12 minutes or until the pie crust is a light golden brown and is flaky to the touch.

Serves 4 - 6

Yaaawwwwnnnnn, Pt. Deaux - The Saga Continues...

Alright, so last night was a little rough for me.

In a weak moment, I went to Chili's last night with a friend. I usually try to avoid the place like the plague because 90% of what is served is drenched in a cocoon of grease and fat and also because it bothers me to think that the same type of meal that I am currently eating has been ordered and eaten at thousands of locations across the country/world.

I dig on unique dining because it's been my general experience that people who own a local place are more inclined to serve good food and provide good service because if they don't, they're history in a short period of time. This isn't a guarantee and I've been burned by some local eateries, sure, but overall I'd say that my theory is justified.

I do reserve judgement on a few chains, especially since there aren't a ton of moderately priced restaurants near where I work. When it's lunchtime, Chipotle hasn't steered me wrong yet, nor has Zen. I dig a good In-N-Out, Steak & Shake or Carl's Jr. burger when I can get them. Apart from that I am at a loss to find a good chain restaurant that either tastes like mass-produced fare or results in a long, stomach-pain-fueled night spent catching up on my reading.

When I go out for dinner, I always choose the local place over the chain unless I am with others who overrule me. It's just how I roll.

I was speaking with a college chum of mine who still lives near the campus. He informed me that the Joe's Crab Shack next to the University was going out of business.

I was most amused because I hated the fact that Joe's took over the location from a locally owned restaurant that had been on hard times thanks to the building of several theme chain eateries along the Interstate. This place was cheap, the food was pretty decent and they were right next to the University, so it was easy to get to.

Joe's (owned by Landry's) offered a goodly sum to the local owners and they quietly made their exit to make way for yet another chain location. That, my friends, made me a very sad panda.

Quite honestly, the food at Joe's was rather meh when I've eaten there. It's pretty much a pre-manufactured experience. Lots of decor, waitstaff dressed like buffoons with obnoxious t-shirts that look like they were leftover from the reject pile at a Bob Marley festival. The pricing for this experience? Rather steepish.

I was pleased when my pal first related the news. Could it be that someone would decide to open a local eatery in the place again?

Nope. Scuttlebutt is that the place is going to be a Saltgrass in the near future.

Saltgrass. As in another chain location of a rather not so moderately priced steakhouse. Now WHY they think that placing a pricey establishment next to a goddamned UNIVERSITY was a good idea escapes me.

Lord knows that students who rarely tip the pizza guy will just be oh so happy to drop $40 for dinner, right?

It is a sad state of affairs in these modern times that we Americans, lovers of all things food and fat grams, queue up for the homogenized dining experience far and above supporting our local eateries. Our society is trending towards forgoing the true experience and enjoyment of food and gravitating towards the comfort of familiar signs, similar decoration and uniform menus that the chains offer us.

There was a visitor from another country I spoke with many years ago about their first impressions of America. He jokingly observed that the first thing he noticed was that there was a McDonalds at nearly every exit off the freeway. He finished by saying that "our cultural identity will be one of the strip mall, our legacy will be the Big Mac."

Was he so far off?

A Visit To El Tourista Spectacularrrrrr...

Went down to San Antonio to visit friends who were in from out of town.

Now, the thing that gives me the red ass is when you've actually lived somewhere and people who haven't refuse to listen to the voice of reason.

Take for example... The Riverwalk.

I know where to eat and where to not go. For example, you do not go to the first food stop on the river simply because you are starving wicked hungry and MUST eat and have a margarita first.

Against my better counsel, that's exactly what happened. The service was atrocious, the food was WAAAAY overpriced and the topper was the band. Get this, they had a pretty reasonable lineup. The guitar player was good, the drummer was good, the bass/vocalist was good. The guy playing the synthesizer? He sucked the life out of the whole band.

First off, his keyboard was way too loud.
Secondly, he liked to get overly creative. I don't care how much of a musical genius you think you are, NO ONE thinks that inserting the shower drama music from Psycho into a country music love song is EVER a good idea.

After that, we stopped into Durty Nelly's which is fairly decent. Kind of a grimy Irish-piano-bar-pub kind of feel to it. We drank nicely before retreating back to my friends' hotel room.

Soon, hunger struck again and they had the urge to get food. My suggestion was IHOP, since I knew the near-downtown location well enough to know that it was a good late night suggestion.

They, however, decided to go against my counsel and chose Denny's instead.

Having had TWO bad experiences with Denny's (in two other locations), I was for damn sure not going to eat there. But being overruled, we went anyways.

For background on the past incidents:

1) Denny's incident #1 - My brother found chewing gum in his food. No, I am NOT making that up.
2) Denny's incident #2 - I ordered a hamburger and was treated to a burger that was cooked on the outside but frozen solid on the inside.

Those, plus the fact that the lighting in Denny's gives their food this ungodly yellow hue, reasons give me pause alone.

Well, we had the opportunity to sit in a filthy booth in a filthy restaurant surrounded by prostitutes, schizophrenics and drunken louts. I thought I was safe getting the ice cream and brownie (after much urging by my friends to eat something), but the frequent ensuing trips to the Little Loggers' Room for a short while thereafter proved that my hypothesis was thoroughly disproved.

So, next time someone says "hey, let's get us some tasty Denny's" to me, they're getting a salmon to the face.

But, the visit was fun and we still managed a good time, which was really the important thing! Yaaay!

Eat Like You Want To - 2

R's Orange Julius, The Smoothie of Emperors

1/2 Can of Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice (That's 6 Ounces of FCOJ there, Mortimer.)
1 Cup of Milk
1 Cup of Water
1/2 Cup of Sugar
1 TBSP of Vanilla Extract (Or less if it tastes too Milli Vanilli for ya.)
10 to 12 Ice Cubes

Put all ingredients into blender and blend for no less than 60 seconds. Pour into a glass and prepare yourself for divine smoothie celebration happy fun time!

Eat Like You Want To - 1

Galveston Bay Biscuits (A Cheap Knockoff of Red Lobster's Cheddar Bay Biscuits)

* Bisquick
* Milk
* 1 Cup of Shredded Cheddar Cheese
* 3 Tablespoons of Butter
* 1/2 Tablespoon of Garlic Powder

Follow the Bisquick instructions for their basic biscuit recipe, except add in the cup of cheddar cheese into the mix right after adding the milk. Be sure to stir it up well enough so that the cheese really blends into the mixture.

Before putting the biscuits onto a pan, don't be a lazy ass and forget to both grease the pan AND dust the pan with a very thin layer of either flour or Bisquick mix. The secret to not scorching the bottoms of every blessed biscuit is to grease and lightly flour the pan BEFORE putting the biscuits on it. Your scrubbing elbows and dinner guests thank you in advance for your thoughtfulness.

Also, don't be even more of a lazy jackaninny by just letting the mix form this nasty gloop as you thwack it carelessly onto the pan. Take a goodly spoonful of mix, roll it gently into a ball and place it gingerly onto the pan. Presentation is the stuff that builds empires.

Bake the biscuits according to the Bisquick biscuit directions. While those are baking, melt the butter and gently stir in the garlic powder. You can feel free to be a little lazy here and melt the butter in the microwave. No one will ever know unless you tell them.

Once the biscuits are done, take a baking brush (or a basting brush, rather) and gently coat the tops of each biscuit with a layer of garlic butter. For chrissakes, DO NOT just pour the butter on willy nilly. You will likely soak the first few biscuits and will leave the remaining batch high and dry.

This of course will lead to social disorder and finally outright anarchy, so take a moment to prevent this by brushing on the butter.

Let the finished biscuits sit for a minute before serving to give the butter a chance to settle down a bit. Place the biscuits onto your plate or in a roll basket, don't just tear into them like some uncultured barbarian. Take a moment to savour the aroma of your creation. Then, and only then, may you stuff your faces full of deliciousness.