Got Nuthin' Today So Here's My Horoscope With A Father Jack On It...

Pisces

Your dreaminess tends to gets in the way of your intuition, but try to remember that more than any other sign, your soul knows the truth. Do what you want to do, not what you think you should do. Telling someone off, writing a letter and releasing it, whatever you need. Friends of Pisces: watch your buddy like a hawk. He or she could do something stupid, such as drinking too much and doing something regrettable. Your friend will go full throttle on the chosen activity, so your responsibility is to make sure no one gets hurt!

Keep Holding On, Baby...

I made the trek to San Marcos and dropped my arse in the river, floating from Sewell Park down to the Rio Vista Dam. The summertime hordes had disappeared weeks ago, leaving the locals with the prime opportunity to float the river unencumbered by the overwhelming mass of humanity that normally clogs the river during hot weather.

Today, I am holding Nature's hand as her beautiful sister, Summer, goes into hibernation. Summer fights back against the colder weather here in Texas and I hate watching her go.

I am grateful for rivers and hot summer days. For Schlitterbahn and for cold beer. For Intex's River Run tubes and for the Army Corps of Engineers.

My grandfather once said that the mountains were a place where he most felt connected to something greater than himself. To him, the mountains were his church.

For myself, the River is mine.

Amen.

Home Improvement With R&R...

2:50pmRobert

"Today on This Old Henhouse, we are going to replace some chicken wire and add some oak paneling to the interior..."

2:52pmMe

"We decided to give this henhouse a more rustic look by changing the basic hay flooring with rushes of wheat and a barley finish."

2:56pmRobert

"We'll start by cleaning the dung off the old floor..."

2:59pmMe

Gad.

Now I'm thinking of "The Joy of Pecking"

"Now, we're going to take some Van Dyke brown and color in a happy little nest."

3:04pmRobert

"Look at that feed. Happy, happy feed. Now, let's add some loose feathers..."

3:06pmMe

Hilarious Bob Ross's Joy of Painting parody.

Happy feed.

Heh.

3:09pmRobert

Have you seen the poster featuring Bob Ross as the star of 24?

3:09pmMe

Oh gods no!

That must be epic.

That one was a lot better than the "Joy of Painting with Hitler" one.

3:11pmRobert

This video is friggin' hilarious

"The skipper's been drinking..."

3:13pmMe

Hahaha

3:13pmRobert

Hmmm, Bob Ross meets the Sopranos.

"This is going to be a happy f***ing hit..." (said softly and calmly)

3:15pmMe

Heh.

"Now I'm going to snort some happy little cocaine and whack Jimmy No Nose with my happy little 9mm."

3:16pmRobert

"We're going calmy and gently kill the mother f***ing bastard, yes we are."

"Look at the blood spatter. If we get a handkerchief, we can paint a little mural right here on the warehouse floor..."

3:18pmMe

Brilliant.

3:18pmRobert

Bob "The Brush" Ross.

3:19pmMe

Hee

"Joy of Painting" is way more entertaining than my customers' footage atm.

3:21pmRobert

"Look at poor Vinny The Knife. He died with a frown. No one should die with a frown. Let's paint a little grin on his face..."

"Happy, rosy cheecks for the stool pigeon rat bastard..."

3:22pmMe

"Why so serious, Vinny? You need some happy little trees to keep you company. OH and here's some happy little wolverines to bring joy to the forest creatures."

3:22pmRobert

Bwahahahaha.

Ah, the nearly endless possibilities. Boss Ross as the moderator on Crossfire. Bob Ross as a porn star (Happy, happy breasts...).

3:36pmMe

Bob Ross on COPS

Could you imagine if Bob Ross was the narrator for all the History Channel programs?

3:37pmRobert

"Then the German Army advanced into Poland, demolishing trees and killing people with happy panzers and adorable artillery shells.

"There were many pretty explosions with really, pleasant and bright colours..."

"The war gave a whole new meaning to burnt umber..."

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut...

Customer: Yeah, calling to check on my 8mm order.

Me: Yep, still working on it.

Customer: That's ridiculous, it's been a week. What are you guys doing? Are you even working on it?

Me: Normal turnaround is two weeks.

Customer: IT'S BEEN A WEEK.

Me: Yes sir, I understand. The. turnaround. time. is. two. weeks.

Customer: Let me speak to the guy running my film.

Me: I am he.

Customer: He, who?

Me: The video editor who is currently working on your order, sir.

Customer: Yeah, lemme talk to that guy.

Me: You are speaking to the video editor, sir.

Customer: Ah. Well, I turned this film into you a week ago. When will it be ready?

Me: Well, you turned it in on the 15th, so it will be ready on the 30th, sir.

Customer: I don't get it. It's been a week.

Me: Right. That's because our normal turnaround time on 8mm film transfers is set for two weeks.

Customer: If I had known that, I would have gone somewhere else, like competitor's name here

Me: Their turnaround time is also two weeks, sir.

Customer: Don't bullshit me into keeping my business. No one here in town takes two weeks to run 4000 feet of film.

Me: ...

Customer: So, I'm coming by to pick it up and I'll take it to competitor thank you.

Me: Sir, you are more than welcome to do so but if you do, it's going to be an extra two weeks for them to complete the order.

Customer: How the hell would you know that?

Me: We use them to transfer 8mm sound flim. They've always taken two weeks.

Customer: I don't think I like your tone, smartass.

Me: Sir, please try to understand. 8mm transfers take time because we clean your film, repair splices that have failed, run them through the machine, correct the speed to match proper video, make any reasonable adjustments to the brightness/contrast, export the final footage to the files we use to burn DVD's with and then finally burn the DVD's.

I am sorry if you aren't happy with our turnaround time, but these things take time to do the job right.

Especially in cases where we are working with three quarters of a mile of film.

Customer: Fuck you, smartass. We'll see what your boss has to say about this.

...

I now await the wrath of my boss. :p

Heh. I love people who have nothing to do...

Hi Ho, Geoffrey, AWAAAAY!

1:03pmRobert

Boston.com article regarding use of GPS tracking devices in criminal investigations.

1:06pmMe

Ohhhhh joy.

Not that the smarter criminals won't find a workaround or anything.

Plus that is just bad for privacy rights.

1:08pmRobert

Not just that, but what about the 4th Amendment?

1:08pmMe

Exactly.

Wonder if they'll try to appeal further.

1:09pmRobert

I am all for cracking down on crime, but this rubs my libertarian sensibilities all wrong.

This, to me, is tantamount to illegal search and seizure. Plus, it is like trespassing. If you want to keep tabs on a suspect, then do it the old fashioned way or get a friggin' court order to enter their property (in this case, a vehicle).

1:10pmMe

Supposedly, they had a warrant.

1:11pmRobert

I haven't read the rest of the article yet.

Thanks for that info.

1:11pmMe

NP.

Even then, still chaps the ass.

1:12pmRobert

Hmmmm. I just don't like the idea of placing a GPS tracker on a vehicle because of "suspicion."

1:12pmMe

Me either.

If I had somehow discovered that my car was being tracked via GPS, I would drive aimlessly.

Say...

Drive around 1604 four or five times.

1:16pmRobert

Or get a friend to drive around while you use their car.

1:16pmMe

Then I'd drive to Burger King, drive the 410 loop a few times and head home.

Or steal one.

1:16pmRobert

Yup.

Or get a Taxi, a rental car, etc.

1:17pmMe

Horse.

1:18pmRobert

Camel, emu with a saddle, mountain gorilla, etc.

1:18pmMe

Giraffe.

That'd be sweet.

Sticking up a bank and escaping on your getaway giraffe.

1:20pmRobert

"Can you describe the getaway vehicle?"
"Yes, it was a Giraffe."
"Who makes that?"
"Other giraffes, I guess."

1:20pmMe

HA!

You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

1:20pmRobert

Why thank you. I do aim to amuse.

I now have a mental image of a gang of bank robbers clinging to a saddle in the back of a galloping giraffe.

on the back of...

1:25pmMe

HAHAHAHAA!

No, the first works better.

Gives new meaning to "exotic mount"

1:26pmRobert

Harhar.

The "getaway driver" holding the reins in his hand as the galloping giraffe strains against the bridle.

1:28pmMe

Soft core pr0n at its best.

1:30pmRobert

"Half a league, half a league rode the robbers from the First National Bank..."

1:35pmMe

Bwahahaha!

1:36pmRobert

"Police to the left, Police to the right..."

1:40pmMe

"And safe was I due to the giraffe's height."

1:40pmRobert

LOL

One Last Slide For The Summer...

Time zipped by too crazy go nuts this summer. I spent the day over at Schlitterbahn, essentially closing down the place for the summer season once again.

I rode my beloved Der Bahn at least 26 times, smoking out my competition all 26 times in the downhill race of awesome. To say that I'm an addict to this ride is an understatement.

Last day at Schlitterbahn is aways awesome and sad in the same breath. Summer's coming to an end and for myself, that's when boredom sets in. Except at work, which gets psychotically "OMG, IT'S CHRISTMAS!! PANIC1111!!!!ONEONEONEELVENTY!!!"

For now, I comfort myself with the thought that I might just squeeze in one last tubing trip if the fates (and the meterologists) deem it possible. Otherwise, I shall mourn the end of summer and will start counting down the months until I can start frolicking in the water once more.

Ahoy Thar!

Arrrr, today be pleasin' to my mind for it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Be sure ta spread the news with yer mateys and give the gift of arrr!

For those of you with a Facebook account, you can change the language settings under your account settings. In the drop down menu, select English (Pirate), wash hands, rinse and repeat!

Enjoy me hearties! Ima off ta torment the company crew with some pirate shanties!

Show Due Deference to His Majesty...

All hail Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico and celebrate the 150th anniversary of his ascension to the throne!

Late Night With R & R...

There are times and there are reasons. Then there are times without reason.

Robert and I had been in the midst of a brief discussion about an article written by William Faulkner, entitled The Duty to Be Free, which was written back in 1953. Shortly after that, he found an article about members of the California legislature enjoying themselves with free food, gifts, etc. provided by lobbyists while the state struggled against bankruptcy.

As it was starting to get late in the evening, naturally our conversation began to descend into blissful hilarious anarchy. Enjoy!



11:53pm Robert

Sheesh, I guess the polidiots in Cali are nuts:
SacBee Story

11:55pm Me

$420 limit.

Speaks volumes, no?

11:55pm Robert

Yeah.

11:56pm Me

Esp. in a state that sanctions medicinal marijuana

Just makes sense...

Heh

11:56pm Robert

LOL

"Pass the dutchie while we pass this bill..."

12:02am Me

Heh.

Well, I smoke two joints in da mornin' I smoke two joints at night. I smoke two joints in committee and then I smoke in debate, smoke two joints...

12:04am Robert

LOL

"Dude, those weren't Zig-Zags, that was the bill!"

12:06am Me

Govnuh Arnold says you be hardworkin' assemblyman, but then he channels Uncle Teddy and gets as high as he can. And I says hard work good and hard work fine, but an Assemblyman's gotta be high, so I smoke two joints in da mornin'...

Heh.

(Replying to Robert's previous comment): "Oh shit, mang! I done rolled page four-twenty of the budget and smoked it! Should I have not done that?

snickering

12:07am Robert

"Uh, like, my colleague totally sparked the pending budget amendment."

12:09am Me

Bwahaha

12:10am Robert

"Sorry, dude, I totally had the munchies and like used the transportation bill to wrap some fish and chips."

12:11am Me

Dude, that is not cool.

Fish is murder, man, have some crunchy granola instead.

Fuck. Now I have Neil Diamond's "Crunchy Granola Suite" going through my head now...

12:12am Robert

Even organic farm raised and hand fed fish?

12:12am Me

Yeah, man, you're like killing the earth, man.

12:13am Robert

Wow, the fish are hemp fed and everything.

12:13am Me

You could give the fish a hand job before killing it and that'd still be evil.

12:13am Robert

LOL.

I can't stop laughing...

Just the image of someone trying to jerk teh gherkin of a fish is damned funny.

12:14am Me

Heh.

12:15am Robert

LOL. This must be blogged.

Well, I am off to the happy slumber land. I holler at ya tomorrow.

12:16am Me

My blog is slowly becoming the R&R chat show.

Hehehe

Alrighty, dude, g'night to ye!

9/13 - Never Forget.

Please join me in a moment of silence as we remember the brave men and women who were lost to the world on September 13, 1999.

They are truly missed.

Beets Ahoy!

The Romanians will shortly test their new "let's tie a rocket to Yvgeniy's mule and feed him lots of borscht" technology.

Click here, Comrades!

The Hunt For Red Chicken...

Robert and I were getting out of control again...

ENJOY!

7:56pmRobert
Yo!

7:56pmMe

Heya!

Just messing around a bit until dinner.

7:56pmRobert

Had some homemade Reuben sandwiches for dinner.

7:57pmMe

Mmmmmm.... Hell yeah!

7:59pmRobert

Indeed!

7:59pmMe

I'm making something...

...Chickenish?

8:00pmRobert

By the pricking of my thumbs, something chicken this way comes.

8:00pmMe

heh

8:02pmRobert

Now I am inserting the word "chicken" into a variety of book and film titles.

The Chicken Weekend (think of The Osterman Weekend)

8:03pmMe

Hahaha!

Of Chicken and Men

8:03pmRobert

Excellent!

The Chicken Strain

Chicken Park

(a Michael Crichton roll there)

8:04pmMe

Bwahaha!

Brave New Chicken

(just for the contradiction, you see)

8:05pmRobert

Teehee.

Chicken Games

8:05pmMe

The Hunt for Red Chicken

HA!

8:05pmRobert

"One CLuck, Vasily"

8:05pmMe

Fucking awesome. Simul-Clancy post!

"This chicken is going to get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it."

8:06pmRobert

LOL

The Chicken and The Snowman

8:06pmMe

Heh

Star Chicken, The Chickenmaster and let us not forget Mad Chicken: Beyond Henhousedome.

8:08pmRobert

All the Right Sqawks

8:08pmMe

Twelve Angry Chickens.

8:08pmRobert

LOL

The Right Giblets

All the Rooster's Men

8:09pmRobert

The Chickenman, All The Chicken's Men and DAMNIT

Stole mine!

You bastard.

8:11pmRobert

Teehee.

8:11pmMe
Just for that, I'm blogging this...

8:11pmRobert
Spiffy!