So, I got a bitchy phone call today...

Oh, don't worry...
...you'll love this one.

This fella designed a new type of cattle chute where you can basically work on every inch of the cow without it injuring itself or you. Has all kinds of doors that open and shut to make this process easier. Really is a nifty invention, I say.

He shot video of it and wanted a DVD. Bad move for him was that he recorded it using his digital still camera's video capability.

Not the end of the world, but it was causing him issues because he is trying to sell his chute and wants to get funding for it. He needs a full fledged DVD that will play with decent quality.

So, he sent it off to two other places for transferring before sending it to me. Each time, he had the same problem...

He'd "watch" the movie, but he couldn't hear the sound and he couldn't see the titles he asked for.

So, he sends it to me.

I do the transfer, make the DVD and send it off to him and I promptly forget about it. A few weeks later, he calls me, pissed off.

Sound doesn't work.

Titles don't show up.

Video just loops and doesn't play how he envisioned it.

I queried about his DVD player because I didn't know if it was compatible or not. This rarely happens anymore, but it has been known.

He gave me the make and after a little investigation, I determine that the DVD should play perfectly fine on his machine. Soooooo, to not bore you with the twenty minutes of intervening attempts at tech support, I shall skip ahead a bit.

I went through my video files on the Mac, just to be sure. I scrub through the timeline on Final Cut Pro just to see if I can see any issues.

Audio sounds great.

Titles are totally there.

I switch over to DVD Studio Pro and preview the files there. Nothing wrong at all here either.

I was then curious about whether he actually had the right disc at this point, so I ask him to describe precisely what he sees when he loads up the disc. I did recall that he had both the DVD we created for him and a DVD containing his original video files that we had transferred from his camera.

"Ok," he says, "it says Play Movie and there's a silent video of me right above it."

"Alright," I say, "go ahead and watch the movie and tell me what first pops up."

Pay close attention to what I just said in the previous sentence now...

No, really!

Turns out...

He thought that the preview movie on the DVD disc menu WAS the movie.

He never actually bothered to hit play.

Actually, he didn't KNOW HOW TO HIT PLAY.

I found that out because he said he was trying to rewind but wasn't sure of which button to push, either the double arrowed button or the double arrowed with a line right next to it button.

I told him the double arrowed button.

"Nope, that ain't workin," he grumbled.

"Alright, let's do this again," I said patiently, "Eject the disc and reinsert it."

A moment passed in silence before he huffed, "Alright, back to where we were."

"Now hit the enter button. You should see something that looks like a blue curtain flying across the screen followed by the titles and then your movie."

"Enter button?"

*facepalm*

And I felt bad because I actually stifled a giggle, "Yep, sir, the big round one in the middle of the arrows and such."

The Enter button. A button that one presses just like how you do with a regular Hollywood movie.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see..."

That ate up 25 minutes trying to figure that out.

Alright, dude, keep it together. We have a lot to get done today so let's just tuck in and keep things on track today.

The Pile beckoned. I knew I had a few things to get done today, so I didn't hesitate in diving in. I grabbed the first three orders due by tomorrow and eased myself into my office chair.

The first few hours progressed rather quickly. I loaded up the assorted videotapes into the appropriate machines and prepped some 8mm film footage for transfer. Everything seemed to be progressing smoothly until...

*plop*

Ah, damnit, that was smooth, mate. You dropped one.

I had accidentally dropped a reel on the floor just as I was preparing to load it into the 8mm transfer rig. Dropping a reel doesn't damage 8mm film whatsoever, but it is a pain whenever it happens because it usually falls beneath the table that the 8mm machine rests on. This usually results in having to get out of my chair and crouching down to retrieve said wayward footage which isn't usually a difficult or risky proposition...

*Riiiiiiiiiipppppppp!*

Ah, bloody hell! Did I do what I thought I just did?

A cursory examination of the fabric covering my lower posterior was rather revealing. Literally.

"FUCKING HELL!" I swore disgustedly as I stood and turned my head to get a better view of the situation, "Hellbollocksshitfecker!"

A muffled voice, that of a fellow co-worker, queried from the adjacent room, "You alive in there?"

"Yeah," I grumbled, "but I done ripped my fuckin' britches!"

*silence*

"You done what?" my co-worker asked from beyond the safety of my editing cave.

"My pants! I ripped the damn things."

I could instantly hear a muffled peal of laughter through the wall.

Apparently, my shame was of instant comedic value. Rightly so. Ripping one's pants, while embarrassing, can be really damned hilarious in certain situations. He was right to laugh, so no faults there.

"Suck it, assnut," I fired back, "it's not that funny!"

Co-worker coughed briefly between guffaws, "Yeah, IT IS that funny!"

Good point. I started to chuckle a bit before joining him in a hearty chuckalicious laughing fit.

Finally, the laughter died down and my co-worker decided that he'd had his fill of jocularity this morning and he decided to be helpful.

"What do you need?" he queried.

I considered this for a minute. What I really needed was a new pair of pants, a beer and a steak, but I needed to be practical. The nearest pair of work pants that I have was fairly far away and my schedule was rather busy today, so I knew that some speedy ingenuity and improvisation was required.

*thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink*

"Want me to grab you a lab coat?" he asked kindly.

"Yeah," I sighed as I resigned myself to my fate, "that'll work! Lemme find something in here to temporarily cover my ass because I have no idea which of those fits well enough to pull this off."

Another chuckle. "Ok, just don't come out of there naked or anything. Don't think anyone wants to lose their lunch today from such a ghastly vision."

Ever so helpful, my co-workers. Didn't help that for the remainder of the day, people kept calling me "Doctor."

Heh.

Vote Fiven For Gabe!

*Shameless Vote Whoring*

My sister-in-law's cousin, Gabe Garcia, is a contestant on this year's Nashville Star country music singing competition. He's a really nice guy who has quite some talent and I'd like to help throw some votes his way.

Check out the show Monday nights at 8PM Central on NBC. Voting is done over the phone, via text message or by going to NBC.com and voting on the Nashville Star webpage.

Voten FIVEN for GABEN!

/*Shameless Vote Whoring*

Top Gear - Space rockets part 2/2

The joys of taking a piece of crap car and turning it into a space shuttle, part 2!

Top Gear - Space rockets part 1/2

The joys of taking a piece of crap car and turning it into a space shuttle, part 1!

Dr. P In London? It's More Likely Than You Think...

My esteemed colleague and friend, the honourable Dr. Pangloss (or my good buddy T as I call her) is currently in London for an extended stay. It's been her dream to go for several years and as of this Monday, it is now a reality!

So, feel free to stop by and read her adventures. Amusement, merriment and tons of neat stuff will most definitely ensue!

Click here for Londony goodness!

The Videographer And The Atheist

I sat under the shade of one of the trees outside work today, happily consuming some leftover crab alfredo pasta that I had made the night before. I was enjoying the calm of a sunny afternoon, wishing that I could be outside all day instead of working.

It was peaceful and relaxing. All was good and decent with the world.

Then, like a oncoming category five hurricane, the Atheist arrived.

I've had conversations with the Atheist before. He works in the same retail center as I do, so it's not uncommon to run into each other during the odd smoke break or two. Usually, our conversations are restricted to such things as the weather, how business is going and whether or not XYZ sport team has a shot this year.

I usually stick to the weather and business. Sports just were never really a big deal for me. I love going to events, but personally can't stand watching them on TV. I get bored way too easily having to listen to the miles of endless stats, plays and what the particular sportscaster thinks about what someone chooses for breakfast.

I do recognize the duality of my situation, I really do. For while I practically am a doctoral candidate for the area of Arcane Knowledge (Doctor of Trivial Knowledge and Useless Factoids), I just never could get into sports trivia.

Hell, I couldn't technically claim a single team as my 'favourite.' I'll usually pick up a few things about local teams that are enough to pretend interest. It's a tool of the trade, you see. A way of putting the client at ease that yes, I am a true-blooded American male and not some lowly communist subversive seeking to overthrow our Republic and American values.

I was taken rather by surprise by the Atheist's follow up question to the standard "how's business?" question. He stood there with a look of determination as I munched on my pasta.

"You're the video guy, right?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He nodded sharply before asking his next question, "How much do you charge to film events?"

I told him and he nodded again. I queried him on what event he was interested in having filmed.

"Well, it's a meeting of this Atheist action group that I help organize," he replied, "we're looking to create a recruitment video."

Now, personally, I don't really care what you choose to believe or not believe. As long as you aren't out deliberately hurting people or pestering me and wasting my time, I could care less.

I thought for a moment and said, "Alright, that sounds like a project. Think about what y'all would like to put together and get with me at the office if you are still interested."

His face lit up a bit. "And while I'm at it, you're more than welcome to just come to the meeting if you'd like! All atheists are welcome!"

I chuckled. "What gives you that impression that I'm an atheist?" I asked with a polite grin. I shouldn't have gone there. Very bad move. I just hate it when people automatically assume things about me and that always gets me into more trouble than Curiosity Cosby.

"Oh?" he queried, his body automatically adopting a defensive posture, "I just thought, ya were since you sounded interested in the project."

"Ah, no worries. I'm really kinda private on such things, always have been. I'd be happy to work with you on the project though..."

He frowned. "On second thought, go fuck yourself. Getting all high and mighty, I bet you're about to give me a sermon, right?"

"Dude, chill. I wasn't trying to start anything. All I was saying was that I believe in whatever I believe in but I'm also the type that says that everyone has a right to believe in what they want to believe. I believe that religion is a personal matter best left to the individual."

"That's retarded. Atheism is not a religion," he snorted.

I stifled a giggle.

"You disagree?" the Atheist needled.

"Yeah," I sighed, resigned to my fate, "I do. At least in the form that you are presenting it in."

"Explain," he chided.

I sucked in a quick breath...

"Basically, a true atheist wouldn't bother with meetings, action groups, posters, propaganda, lectures or invitations. Atheism in itself is the practice of believing that there isn't a supernatural force behind our creation or continued existence. There is no point in believing in a god, because he/she/it/them don't exist in the first place as Science has proven.

"A true atheist would recognize that and be content with that knowledge. There is no god, so let's live our life accordingly.

"Given the circumstances, I personally find it intellectually dishonest for atheists such as those who are in your group to rail so harshly on those who do believe in the Supernatural when for all intent and purposes, you are going through many of the same procedures of worship.

"Using Christianity and your group as an example, if you will excuse me for doing so:

"Christians believe in god and salvation through Christ's sacrifice on the cross. In this setup, you believe that there is no god and the only true path is science and human thought and reason.

"Christians go to church, which is a meeting combined with a lecture and readings from the Bible, followed sometimes by smaller group meetings and lunch. Your group also has a meeting where there is usually a lecture of sorts and discussion of books based on Atheism or related topics followed by chatting and refreshments.

"You claim Christians are out to convert the masses and bring them to church, which is funny because your group is also out to convert the masses and bring them to your meetings as well as to abandon the teachings of long ago mythologies.

"Church posts a billboard encouraging new membership, you do the same.

"Church passes the collection plate, y'all ask for a donation.

"I'm giving you the reader's digest, but I hope you understand that again I don't care a whit as to what you believe. It's personally none of my business. I just want you to recognize that based on my experience, Atheism is as much of a religion as say, belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

And that pretty much ended the conversation. He looked at me deeply in the eyes to see if I was going to start preaching at him for a moment and then he stormed off.

Guess I'm not getting that job...

Clinch, My Ass...

I absolutely hate the word "clinch."

"Clinch" is just one of those words that really give me the red ass, much like the words "yadda" and "staycation" before it. It simply grates on my soul and fills me with such ire against humanity.

The past few weeks have been filled to the overflow tank with phrases like, "Obama could CLINCH the nomination after next week's primaries" or "Hillary could still CLINCH the nomination if enough super delegates switch sides." On the news, on the Internet, in the brainpans of countless sycophants and professional political image doctors across this nation, the word "clinch" is damned well everywhere.

Perhaps it is because "clinch" is a close cousin to the word "clench," as in Earl couldn't stand the constant use of the word 'clinch' because hearing it a thousand times over the course of the past hour has made his anal sphincter clench tightly, preventing him from sitting comfortably.

More likely it is because I'm thoroughly exhausted from hearing the same fucking word every five minutes. "Word fatigue" is exactly why they invented a thesaurus...

...Damnit.

Instead of using the same word, why don't we liven up the discussion by utilizing words of similar meaning or perhaps invent entirely new phrases to employ?