The other day we were discussing tubing and the logistics involved in running an efficient tubing fleet. Today we shall take a look at some, let us call them 'guidelines', to a successful journey.
1) Know the Flow before you go!This is by far the number one priority when it comes to floating any river. The current flow of water down your favourite river or stream can make the difference between a day of awesomeness and a day of either dragging one's arse along the river bottom or breaking one's neck.
The best resource for making this decision (besides a quick phone call to a nearby river outfitter) is to visit the
U.S. Geological Survey current water conditions page. The USGS has tons of affiliated little sensors dropped into the great streams and rivers of this country which report back to Uncle Sam as to how fast your river of choice is flowing, measured in Cubic Feet per Second.
The general rule of thumb is to go on days when the river is between 400 to 600 CFS, which is generally considered to be optimal floating. You can go lower to around 300, but expect to be dragging along. I wouldn't personally recommend going above 700 because at that point, the water is speeding along and you really won't have much time to relax and enjoy the day. The point of tubing is to relax and enjoy some easy rapids, not to tearass through nature like you're in a NASCAR rally.
Of course, if you prefer tearing ass through the wild, I'd recommend going on a rafting trip when the CFS is cranking between 1000 to 2000. If you have a death wish and want to try something over 2000, make sure you either have a lot of whitewater rafting experience and a trained guide. Tubing at any rate over 1000 is simply a death wish.
Checking with an outfitter is also a good idea because they can inform you of any known water hazards (annoying trees, favoured lurking spots of local law enforcement, which direction to go in order to successfully navigate through any rapids that you'll encounter) as well as to provide you with tubes and a shuttle ride if you lack the proper resources for self-serve tubing.
2) Drinkin', smokin' and snackin' down the river...Drinking a few cold ones, be they of the alcoholic or other liquid varieties, goes hand in hand with a day of tubing. First off, it's hot outside.
Here in Tejas, for example, the sun beats down upon you harshly with the wrath of a hot, hot burning ball of gas. Because, let's face the obvious, the sun IS a hot, hot burning ball of gas. If you're not paying attention, you're going to get mighty thirsty. You do not want to drink river water, do you?
Of course not! That's why it helps to prepare for keeping the whistle nice and wet.
Before you tube, be sure to check out the local and state rules regarding cooler size, acceptable liquid containers and whether or not alcohol is permitted on the river in the first place. Some places seriously frown upon stocking your cooler full of mixed drinks and/or beer, so be aware of what the rules are before you run afoul of Teh Law.
Some of the more aggressive municipalities attempt to be really strict by restricting the size of coolers that are allowed on the river within the city limits (*cough* *newbraunfels,tejascough*) and while you may be very well transporting nothing more in the cooler than your kids' juice packs and copious amounts of water, you could still get a ticket for having a large cooler. The typical reasoning behind this is to prevent people from bringing a fully stocked bar to the river and while I can respect the fact that the city in question's logic for not wanting a few hundred drunken assholes floating through town, it's ridiculous to ignore the fact that someone can get just as drunk off six ounce shots of hard liquor as they can by drinking a six pack of beer.
Enforce public intoxication laws as they exist. I have no problem with that.
Ticketing a parent of six for having a large cooler full of water and Capri Sun pouches? Problem.
So, be aware of the laws beforehand.
I'll touch a little more on drinking a bit later, so let's move on to the next part: smoking.
If you smoke, for the sake of the Lords of Kobol, dispose of your butts properly in the trash bag. I'll spare you the environmental impact lecture, just be cool with them Kools is all I'll say about it.
Usually it's not hard to find at least one person carrying a pack of smokes on the river. Some people choose cigars. It's a socially accepted practice that you can light one up without some Anti-smoking Alex giving you the hassle. You are outdoors and the river is usually big enough to accomodate all who come to float in it.
On a similar note, I would strongly recommend picking up a small waterproof case to hold things like a pack of smokes, your lighter, cash, medications or whatever else you may need on the river. Many outfitters sell one that will have a handy strap that will let you wear the case around your neck so that you don't lose your necessities by an accidental dunking.
Next we discuss eating on the river. A day of tubing will sometimes make one powerful hungry. Sometimes, if you're lucky, the locals who own property along the river will pull out the BBQ grill and offer a selection of turkey legs, BBQ, hot dogs, sausage on a stick and more for sale to the tourists. This is especially common along the Guadalupe river near New Braunfels, where it is not uncommon to meet a few of these folks along the route.
The prices for river food are usually under five bucks and it gives you a chance to chow down while you tube. Be sure to be nice to the locals. They put up with thousands of noisy, drunken sots doing Deus knows what in this river behind their houses every year and the locals are usually stuck cleaning up the mess as well. Buying a turkey leg or two not only gives them some payback, but will possibly help to advance friendlier tourist/local relations. Even just a friendly wave or a politely offered beer will go a long way.
If you choose to pack your own chow, be sure to double sack those groceries in Ziploc bags or in some other waterproof container. Nobody likes soggy Cheetos or river-marinated beef jerky. Or soggy Cheeto jerky for that matter.
3) Lotion up, Francis...Bring your suntan lotion/sunscreen of choice. You are going to be floating down a river in the middle of summer. For 2 to 6 hours.
Yes, there is shade to be had underneath the big, shady trees along the riverbanks, but regardless of how much you hug the shore, you're still getting some sunlight. Yes, even when it's cloudy.
So, unless looking like a lobster is way more appealing than looking lightly bronzed, bring your gorram sunscreen.
/Your Mom
4) Music and entertainment...While bringing a waterproof, floating boombox automatically makes you the life of any floating party, playing Hanson's
Mmm...Bop at 120 db does not. For some reason, certain people really take offense to music that is played louder than a typical Boeing 787 Dreamliner flying over a speed metal rock concert.
If you bring a stereo along, make sure it doesn't blast people 50ft or more away from it. In certain locales, that's a ticketin' for disturbin' the peace.
Also, play something good that the average person will enjoy unless you enjoy ridicule, mockery and dirty looks from strangers. No one these days, I mean NO ONE, wants to hear
Mmm...Bop at any volume, let alone at the volume level of a typical 1960's Who concert. You are now duly warned!
Typically, the river is not without sources of amusement, but use some common sense.
* Using rope swings along the riverbanks in order to feed your inner desire to be Tarzan, Lord of the Apes is not advised. Most of these rope swings are located on private property, so please be sure to ask the owner's permission first.
* Jumping from bridges into the river is a recipe for disaster.
* Pretending to be the Ron Jeremy of the River by fornicating in the woods with your gal/guy/bad self is just wrong. No one wants to see that. Ever. Eww.
5) DIY Tubing...Many of the experienced pros will sometimes suggest buying your own tubes in order to save a few bucks. Although I'm in the river as much as possible every summer, I had only recently taken the plunge and dropped a whopping $12 on my own tube. What a difference.
The key is to have a group of friends who also have their own tubes and to have at least two vehicles. The protocol is to drop off a car at a free parking "pickup point" and then drive upstream to another free parking "dropoff point." You then float your way down to your car and then you can either go again or go home as you please.
If you figure that the average cost of tubing is around $20 for tube rental, taxes and shuttle fee, buying your own tube easily pays for itself by the second trip (hey, have to figure in gas to get there). You don't have to ride in a shuttle filled with smelly persons and you save a mound of cash that you can either divert to the beer fund or save for the after-tubing Taco Bell Banquet Bonanza at the end of the day. Rock.
6) Random Tips...Grease that wheel:
Some suggest coating the top sides of your tube with Vaseline to prevent getting 'tuberash' after a day of paddling. There are situations where one must use their arms as oars to navigate through the river and supposedly, this helps to cut down on damage to your arm skin.
Use it sparingly or else you may find yourself acquiring some funky sunburn marks on your arms/legs.
Tying tubes together:
While this is a good idea to keep a group together while floating down calm parts of the river, there is nothing more dangerous than staying tied together while navigating rapids.
The assumption is that tying your tube to someone else will make for a safer ride, but this is rarely the case for adults. Tied together tubes tend to play 'crack the whip' with each other and usually if someone runs into trouble, they can't easily navigate out of danger.
Remember the 'towing a fifth wheel trailer over a flooded roadway' analogy I made the other day? Same cause and reason.
You can't avoid it if you are towing a cooler tube, but it's better to have a cooler tube capsize than another tuber. I will say that cooler tubes are a lot easier to manage than a heavy adult in times of crisis.
A neat idea I saw the other day was to go buy some cheap, lengthy pet leashes. You loop one end around the tube and another person can hold onto or loop the other end loosely around their cooler or tube valve stem. When you hit the rapids, the person lets go of the leash, which can be quickly stowed in a tube safely and both of you float free and easy.
Get a tube that has a bottom:
If you are sensitve to things smacking across your derriere, I suggest picking up a tube that has a tied on plastic or mesh bottom. It'll protect your toucas from scraping the rocks on the floor of low level rivers.
Learn how to speak like a pirate:
No real reason for this, matey. There's just nothing more hilarious than a drunken pirate floating down the river in a rubber doughnut. Arrr...
7) Jackassery...One of the fine entertainment values of floating is to point and laugh at those engaging in jackass behaviour. For as sure as the hot, hot burning ball of gas rose over the horizon this morning, there are bound to be a few jackasses finding new and interesting ways to apply their trade. Most do not care to be near one, but can't deny the fun in mocking one who deserves it.
Let us now review and explore ways of NOT being a jackass:
* Don't litter, damnit.
It's rude, disrespectful and just plain nonsensical. You and your garbage are floating. Together. In the same direction. Later, the locals get the joy of fishing out your crap. Outfitters issue you a mesh trash bag for a reason.
* Bringing glass or styrofoam with you.
Really if you are that oblivious to the dangerous possibility of cutting one's feet with razor-sharp glass shards that could be resting on the bottom of a riverbed as a result of people's carelessness with glass, you deserve to be hit by a bus. They tell you not to bring stryofoam because fish and other small woodland creatures could snack on it and DIE.
If you want to bring a self-prepared drink or wine coolers, use plastic containers. Some c-stores near the river will sometimes have those kinds of drinks already in plastic bottles for sale. Beer comes in cans too, if you know what I mean.
* Drinkin' & boozin'
Be aware of the laws, but the general rule of thumb is this...
The Drunken Arsehole Gets Hassled By The Man Whilst The Quiet Boozer Doesn't. Seems like common sense, no?
Bring a friend who'll stay sober if you plan on getting smash drunk stupid.
Don't offer the arresting officer a beer, it just makes them crankier.
* Spittin' & Cussin'
Curb your cuss language where needed. Don't fucking cuss in front of some asshole jerk's kids, damnit. Don't crap all over someone you don't know's good time by spewing forth the sailor talk with a vengeance. Use your brain and swear within reason.
Cussing in front of 4 year old strangers? Not acceptable
Cussing when no one around you is likely to give a shit? Go for it.
* Darwinesque Horseplay
Jumping off of bridges into potentially shallow water. Throwing rocks at people. Singing
Mmm...Bop at an unreasonable volume while jumping off of neighbouring cliffs. Stuff like that.
Well, kids, that's about it. While this article is grossly overlate for this summer, it'll give you something to think about for the next. Just remember to mind your manners, know the flow and plan ahead and you'll have a great time!
Labels: Blabber, Tubing
