Eat Like You Want To - 1

Galveston Bay Biscuits (A Cheap Knockoff of Red Lobster's Cheddar Bay Biscuits)

* Bisquick
* Milk
* 1 Cup of Shredded Cheddar Cheese
* 3 Tablespoons of Butter
* 1/2 Tablespoon of Garlic Powder

Follow the Bisquick instructions for their basic biscuit recipe, except add in the cup of cheddar cheese into the mix right after adding the milk. Be sure to stir it up well enough so that the cheese really blends into the mixture.

Before putting the biscuits onto a pan, don't be a lazy ass and forget to both grease the pan AND dust the pan with a very thin layer of either flour or Bisquick mix. The secret to not scorching the bottoms of every blessed biscuit is to grease and lightly flour the pan BEFORE putting the biscuits on it. Your scrubbing elbows and dinner guests thank you in advance for your thoughtfulness.

Also, don't be even more of a lazy jackaninny by just letting the mix form this nasty gloop as you thwack it carelessly onto the pan. Take a goodly spoonful of mix, roll it gently into a ball and place it gingerly onto the pan. Presentation is the stuff that builds empires.

Bake the biscuits according to the Bisquick biscuit directions. While those are baking, melt the butter and gently stir in the garlic powder. You can feel free to be a little lazy here and melt the butter in the microwave. No one will ever know unless you tell them.

Once the biscuits are done, take a baking brush (or a basting brush, rather) and gently coat the tops of each biscuit with a layer of garlic butter. For chrissakes, DO NOT just pour the butter on willy nilly. You will likely soak the first few biscuits and will leave the remaining batch high and dry.

This of course will lead to social disorder and finally outright anarchy, so take a moment to prevent this by brushing on the butter.

Let the finished biscuits sit for a minute before serving to give the butter a chance to settle down a bit. Place the biscuits onto your plate or in a roll basket, don't just tear into them like some uncultured barbarian. Take a moment to savour the aroma of your creation. Then, and only then, may you stuff your faces full of deliciousness.

Regression Back To Presentation...

Announcements, announcements, announcements!
What a horrible way to die
What a horrible way to die
What a horrible way, a horrible way, a horrible way to die

We sold our cow
We sold our cow
We have no need
For your bull now

Did you ever see a windbag, a windbag, a windbag
Did you ever see a windbag, well here's one right now
Blows this way and that way and that way and this way
Did you ever see a windbag, well here's one right now

Announcements, announcements, announcements!

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially and unequivocally bored out of my skull. That is all.

All Aboard The Mustastic Bus!

I have officially started the onerous task of re-organizing my music catalogue.

You see, I recently promised two good friends of mine that they could touch my stuff, specifically my treasure trove of Doctor Who related audiobooks and plays. I made the promise of copying said plays and books onto mp3 CD's for their download and enjoyment.

Letting people touch my stuff isn't something I do very often. Normally, I share with my brother who's spindles of music and audiobooks already is mighty beyond reproach. I feel bad because he usually has more to share than I do, but a lot of that was because I simply didn't have the tools I needed to manage a large music library.

I figured that with my new computer, I can finally get around to managing a large music library. I figured that if I'm going to let people touch my stuff, I'd better clean house first.

Like staring down into one's best nightmare.

Years of files stored on the ol' Mac, unmarked cd's, the black hole I call a filing system was coming back to haunt me big time. I was in for hours upon hours of fun.

I will say this: Thank deus for iTunes. Even on a PeeCee, iTunes manages my library with the greatest of ease. WinAmp, WMP and all the rest can go into a field and sit on it. Compared to iTunes, the rest are flies to be swatted by this music software juggernaut.

I'm not kidding. It would re-organize the library and the folders in which the music is stored as I corrected misnamed song/speech files, fixed artist names, restored album names, sorted by genre. It was like the first time you ate your favourite flavour of ice cream. Like the first time you tied your shoes all by yourself. Like the first time you... You get what I mean.

The task ahead is to import the cd's and reorganize those, consolidate and remove duplicates and finally make sure everything conforms to a unified standard before burning the ever important discs to share.

And that is what will occupy me for those times when I'm not busy. Heh. Yeaaaah, it's going to take a while.

In the meantime, yaaaaay, iTunes!

The Center Will Not Hold...

Just about half the machinery in my department is on the verge of being sent to the scrapyard.

After five years of constant operation, it's a wonder how this didn't prop up earlier. How many thousands of miles of 8mm/Super8 film have travelled the distance between reels on the transfer rig? How many countless hours of footage have been transferred via firewire cable to my farm of PC's and Mac's?

How many hours upon hours of wedding footage, new babies and various perspectives of Disneyland have I sat through all this time? Honestly, it's been a good run for what I do have here. If I had to sit through that many weddings and baby hatchings, I'd suffer a nervous breakdown too. Oh, wait... Never mind.

Speaking of "run", did I mention that some poor chap had a literal fecal meltdown on the sales floor today? Dear gods please don't let that happen to me when I reach my 70's. The incident has now achieved legendary status here at work, one of those "Where were you when THAT happened?" incidents. You know the type. "Where were you when Teh Boss fired X for buying tacos while on the clock?" "Where were you when Y flooded the photo lab for the umpteenth time?"

I observed two co-workers in fierce debate over global warming. One strongly believed that 'climate change' is due to the natural processes of the Earth and it's Sun and not due to the actions of humankind. The other believed that everything was our fault and that we should have never started that whole Industrial Revolution nonsense in the first place.

Perhaps both are right or wrong. I am hardly an environmental expert. Just some guy who knows that the same discussion is boring as hell, Al Gore still flies on private jets and I've seen more Hummers and Dodge ubertrucks on the road now than I have during the past five years.

What astonished me the most this morning was during my commute to work. At a stoplight, I noticed one Major Brand (official name) gas station selling for $2.79 per gallon of regular unleaded. On the opposite corner, gas was going for $2.89 per gallon at the Shell. Standing alone at the corner exactly diagonal to me was some idiot Chevron station trying to sell regular unleaded for $3.09 per gallon.

Here's the shocking part: The $3.09 per gallon station was actually busier than the other two. I'm guessing it must be a group of people with Chevron cards but damn does that $0.30 difference per gallon between the Major Brand and Chevron add up quickly.

I really don't know how much longer I can take it. This one co-worker has been telling the same story about how he helped to clean up the residue from today's "incident." I swear that if I have to hear about how he was "HazMat certified to deal with Environmental Pollution" when he was working in a computer chip factory one more time, I'm going to stab my eardrums with this stapler.

Sad thing is, you think I'm kidding. Awww, hell, there he goes again, I can hear him in the next room. Blah, blah, blah. Congratulations, Mister Hero Of The Soviet Union, now shut up. Arrrggghhhh! *Kastaple!* *Kastaple!*

Ah, much better. I'll probably soon regret my decision to self-terminate my sense of hearing, but I haven't heard much worth listening to recently anyway. Variations on a theme, I suppose.

Heh. "Hero of the Soviet Union," indeed. Now that's teh funnah. I'm going to adopt that to replace "benighted twit" for the next week. Just see if I don't...

For example, I'm sure that you've heard of the recent passing of Jerry Falwell, Hero of the Soviet Union, this week. Also, Paris "Heroine of the Soviet Union" Hilton is only serving half of her original sentence. You know, I met someone who thought that the feminine version of the word "hero" was spelled the same as, and derived from, the drug Heroin?

Oh, Wonder Woman, you're my Heroin! Can I inject you into my vein?

I shall conclude today's rant of random joy with a random memory:

When I was a lad, I remember thinking that if you were charged with scraping Tammy Faye Bakker's eye shadow off her face, you'd need three jackhammers, a pickax and about 15 KT of TNT. Even then, you'd be lucky to break through the upper levels.

HA! HA! It's Worth Twenty Bucks...

I walked outside the rotating black darkroom door that seperates my humble video editing cave from the rest of humanity. The room directly adjacent to mine is the recently installed frame shop which is responsible for the framing of customers' pictures, portraits and posters.

I noticed one of my co-workers hovering over the framing table and I stopped to say hello...

"Hey, Jen, what are you up to?"

"Just finished mounting Old Hickory," Jen replied as she giggled a bit at her own comment.

I chuckled a bit as I noticed a nearby co-worker glancing at us in confusion.

"Oh? Does your boyfriend know about this?" I asked, unable to resist.

The co-worker sticks his head in. A nosy type, I wasn't the least bit suprised when he asked, "Whoa, Jen, did y'all break up? Who or what's Old Hickory?"

Jen and I both break into laughter as Jen holds up the newly framed picture of President Andrew Jackson...

Your Love Life Would Be Sweeter, If You Wrapped Your...

From the Myspace Blog of Paris Hilton, copied and pasted exactly as HRH Princess Paris of the Royal House of Hilton posted it at 11:47 PM on 5/8/07:

---+---
My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

NLINE PETITION CREATED TO SUPPORT PARIS HILTON

To sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to
Governor Schwarzenegger that I have created...

please go here:

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781

I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition.
---+---

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you today's youth:

"Hi Paris my name is ****** & I'm your BIGGEST fan. I really want to start out by saying how upset & pissed I am you have to go to jail. I swear 2 god I cried because this is really ridiculous! The 1st thing that came 2 mind was that was the judge's decision because you are who you are. I don't think it's fair & it's not right! I was shoked when I found out but then I was like I should have seen it coming."

Absolutely horrible.

Apart from the obvious lack of proper grammar and spelling in this comment, I implore you to consider the logic behind this statement.

"The judge threw the book at Paris BECAUSE she is famous."

Hate to say it, kid, but the judge threw the book at her because she violated the terms of her probation for the crime of DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL. Here, let me cry these crocodile tears for the wealthy princess who must serve forty-five days at the pleasure of Los Angeles County because she refused to obey the law.

I'll touch on her having to actually serve time instead of paying a fine in a minute. For now, use your brain, kid. What if, while under the influence, she had killed your cat, your best friend or your mom? What if she had smacked into you personally and you were either confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life or were killed?

How "shoked" would you be then, eh?

"Paris, This didnt have to happen! People should be concerned about the war ending, bringing home the troops, etc. This punishment/sentence just isnt fair, and thank god we are voicing our opinions! I hope it all turns out well. Can you appeal the sentence?"

Yes, in the United States of America, you are entitled to pursue an appeal of your case, providing that you actually have one.

Sorry, couldn't resist adding that last part.

She theoretically could appeal her case, but the success of that venture would be unlikely to overturn the conviction. She was caught red-handed violating the terms of her probation by driving with a suspended license.

As for the "unfair sentencing," let me direct you to the California Penal Code. Take special note at the punishments allowed for the criminal act of driving while intoxicated. A person may be confined for up to six months in jail for this crime as well as having to pay a fine.

She was originally given probation and had her license suspended. That was her warning. All she had to do was to keep her nose clean for the length of her probation and she would avoid a stay in the hoosegow.

She violated her probation and perhaps you thought that she could just skate through the judicial system by paying a fine, perhaps?

First of all, what's $400 to $2000 to a girl who's worth millions? She drops that kind of cash in having her nails done.

Secondly, if it had been yourself, myself, or any other average American citizen, we would have likely been sent directly to jail moments after the sentence issued forth from the judge's lips. The point of the justice system in this country is to provide fair and equal justice to all the citizens of the United States as well as to punish those who commit crimes in hopes of their rehabilitation. I believe that this is the judge's intent.

Forty-five days in the county cooler may very well help to straighten her out because quite frankly, I don't know what else would. And neither does the judge.

At best, she'll hopefully learn something. At the worst, she'll come out with more street cred.

Finally, how cute of you to mention that we should be focusing more on the "war and bringing home the troops and stuff."

Because everybody knows that a judge somewhere in California throwing someone famous in the clink for violating the law has everything to do with diverting attention away from the war. And it is no way ironic that such a comment would come from an individual who's posting this comment on the aforementioned someone famous' blog is it?

You want to point fingers at who's to blame for shifting the focus away from the important issues in this world? Point the first finger at yourself, point the next one at the sensational mainstream media and then kindly stick the remaining three up your ass.

"By the way, if you people that have been sending me messages telling me to STOP SUPPORTING PARIS THAT SHE DESERVES THIS, stop sending me that crap now!!! You idiots see this is a PARIS HILTON FANSITE...why wouldnt i support her??? So stop sending me that crap!!! I seriously dont appreciate it!!! I have gotten many messages like this and its not nice and she does not deserve this! Its all totally unfair!!

Paris Hilton is the sweetest, prettiest, beautiful inside and out, smartest, caring woman in the world!!!! [theres alot more nice things about you, it would just take forever. :]] so stop being so jealous of her and support her. :) She rocks my world. :)"

Wow.

I encourage all of you to bask in the sunlight of genius that surrounds us all, my friends....

Bask, I say, BASK!

And be sure to get on your knees and genuflect. Behold the slayer of demons, the cure to all disease and poverty. Behold the mighty saviour that is Paris!

Hail Paris!

Seriously though, wow.

"the only thing I would sign for Paris would be a death warrant.
The skank needs to own up, and face responsibility. "I had one margarita, and all I wanted was an In-N-Out burger"... Come on, Paris. Get real... and get ready to take it rough from Big Bertha in the slammer.

-Andria"

Andria, I love you.

*Ahem*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, and don't let me forget...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, HA, and of course, HA!

HA, HA!

Cranking The Fark Machine...

Photoshop these prison signs (and don't drop the soap).

Click the image above to enlarge it (opens in new window).

One Note Is Two In An Echo...

This comes in from Pete Townshend's website. For those familiar with Pete's catalogue, you may have heard of his attempt to create the Lifehouse Project (the actual project, not the album), whereby each visitor to his website was encouraged to contribute a single note, sound, word, etc.

What would happen then is that the resulting collection of this material would form a song. Could be a symphony, could be a cacophony.

But here's the newest idea. He's set up a website in conjunction with some math and techno geek to allow each visitor to "sit" for up to three musical portraits. You contribute a little material: a sample of your voice, a little sound, a melody perhaps and then the program creates for you an entire song.

You can download it and share it as you will, currently for free. The only downside to this is that the free deal runs out in August, requiring you to pay for a subscription if you choose to continue using the service.

Still, it's a fairly neat idea and worth checking out just for giggles!

Riddle Me This...

Something has always bothered me.

Batman is the secret crimefighting identity of millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. If the number one priority on his list is protecting said secret identity at all costs, why would he make such an obvious error in judgment:



It doesn't take a supervillian to make a quick stop at the local DMV and run a simple plate info request...

AE31 UNIT PREDICT FAULT AT LINE 595911

------

BrainDOS has encountered an unexpected prediction fault at Line 0501070908.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (F)ail? r

------

Welcome to BrainDOS v. 2.0

C:/run lifeplan.exe

------

Lifeplan: Life Management Software v. 1.0

Select one of the options from the following menu:

(1) System Health & Disk First Aid
(2) Memory Storage, Cerebral Data Processing/Allocation & Sensory Response Interpretation
(3) General Motor Functions and Movement Control Panel
(4) Autonomic/Central Nervous System Control Panel (Admin Level Access Only)
(5) Speech Control Panel
(6) Reflex & Instinctual Response (Admin Level Access Only)
(7) System Cleanup/Evacuation
(8) Put System Into Sleep Mode
(9) Consume Cheese

(S) Save & Apply Changes
(Q) Exit Program & Return To BrainDOS Prompt

Choose: 2

------

Lifeplan: Memory Storage, Cerebral Data Processing/Allocation & Sensory Response Interpretation

Select An Option From The Following Menu:

(1) Access Memory A-L
(2) Access Memory M-Z
(3) Fulfill Hunger Need
(4) Fulfill Thirst Need
(5) Adjust To External Temperature/Moisture Data
(6) Process Hearing Data
(7) Process Visual Data
(8) Process Taste/Touch Data
(9) Ponder Life & Its Cruel Ironies
(10) Engage In Intellectual Pursuit
(11) Sexual/Hormonal Control Panel
(12) Engage Audio/Visual Input Trance Mode (TV/Internet Mode)
(13) Engage In Hilarious Misadventure
(14) Attempt To Predict An Uncertain Future
(15) Consume Cheese
(16) *Next Menu*

(ESC) Return to Previous Menu
(S) Save and Apply Changes
(Q) Exit Program & Return To BrainDOS Prompt

Choose: 14

------

BrainDOS has encountered an unexpected predicition fault at Line 0501070908.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (F)ail? r...