Whiskey

Hey!

What?

I've been ordered to make you do something.

Oh? By whom?

Um, no one you would know directly. It's impossible for the two of you to speak to each other.

Alright... That makes sense... Yep, perfect sense...

Well, he's the voice in your head that, um, controls the other voices.

Wouldn't that be me by default?

An extension of you, perhaps. He keeps track of everything you say, think and do and then issues commands to the rest of us to, um, influence you to make certain choices. Not that you usually listen or anything.

But wouldn't that be a conscience of sorts?

No, I've said too much already. How 'bout we just start over, shall we? Good.

Wait, you didn't answer my...

Nope, too much to do. So, what's the story on your lunch today? I just happened to look up and notice you were talking to someone.

How astute, Voice. I only talk to several different people a day after all.

HA! HA! The Feared Villian, Sarcasmo, strikes again! So, who was it?

An old favorite boss of mine from my theme park days, Steve. Hadn't thought of the guy in 13 years and suddenly, he just walks into the place I was eating at.

Ah. Did he recognize you?

Not after I asked if his name was "Steve *********" and let him access his brain for a minute to decide if he should bolt or stick around for a minute. I cut to the quick and told him my name, and suddenly he found that file he had stored away in his brain from 13 years ago.

That must of been wild. Completely different city and everything.

Yeah. Turns out the guy's been working for the bank that I belong to. Works at the branch down the street from my work, apparantly. We're supposed to meet for a beer sometime next week to catch up. He seems to be doing well. Married, two kids, living here in Austin. He looks about the same as he did 13 years ago, which I cannot claim the same.

Small world, eh?

True enough. When I run into someone from the past, it isn't usually somebody that I ever expected to see again. Usually not a person I'd ever think of tracking down after asking myself, "Whatever happened to ol' (insert name here)?"

Not that I don't have enough of a list of people I wish I could find and catch up with. I know perfectly well that the list I DO have is one that I'll never follow up on. After a certain point, it feels like creepy stalking, ya know?

Yeah... And you know how it feels to be stalked. Still, if they were old friends, wouldn't you think they'd love to hear from you?

That's the thing. I don't really know anymore. Chance meetings are one thing. If you run into someone and they want to meet up for drinks or something, that implies an offer that is neither binding or completely obligatory. You have the option to follow up, or lose the number. It's your choice.

When someone calls out of the blue, it means that they made an effort to find you. To me, it's usually unsettling unless I had a good working knowledge of the person's character beforehand. Scratch part of that up to paranoia as well, but in many ways it makes sense. Catching one off guard usually is unsettling anyway.

So, if you had a choice, which long lost friends would you like to get an e-mail from?

First choice?

Rachel.

Oh my god did I make a huge mistake by not staying in touch with her. She was beautiful, honest, a joy to be around and shared so many common interests.

I always wanted to go out with her as more than friends and I think she did as well. Problem was that our timing was always off. Usually when one was single, the other was taken. This went on for years.

I remember we were downtown one night, celebrating our birthdays. Rachel's was a few days before mine, so we usually had a week of drinking foolishness between them. That night, she talked to me and told me that she loved me. Really, truly and deeply. She had felt that way for so long and she said that she refused to take that piece of info to the grave.

Truth was, I felt the same way. I couldn't say that because I was taken at that time, a couple weeks ago being the start of a relationship that would eventually end in a lot of wasted time and emotional devastation. The gal I was with hated Rachel on sight and like a stupid fucking moron, I didn't fight her about it. Time took its toll and Rach & I drifted apart.

Sure, I was taking the high road or some such bullshit that I told myself on lonely nights with my cat/dog and a good book. The simple fact was that I sacrificed another friendship for a relationship. I'm not saying that Rachel and I would have been together, but at least I think we'd be still friends.

The same thing happened with other friends in the past. Lost touch or broke contact with friends over the years because of relationships I've been in or other stupidity that really wasn't such a big deal after all.

True, people will sometimes naturally drift apart over time. That's life, ya know?

Yeah, but this one still hurts, doesn't it?

Admittedly, sometimes, yes, it does. I'd be a fool if I didn't acknowledge that. But that's life. You win, lose or draw in life. You can't always get what you want.

But yeah, there's tons of people I wished that I had never lost contact with. I miss Danny (college), who disappeared after joining the Navy. I wonder if he's alright and if he and Jen worked out.

I wonder what happened to Virginia after she up and moved to the Panhandle. Is she still going for her Biology degree or has she moved on to California after all?

The list continues on and on.

The one thing I have decided is to work on keeping the friendships that I do have, regardless of who I'm with. No, wait, fuck that. If whoever I'm with doesn't like my friends, they can go into a field and sit on it.

I'm tired of losing good friends due to my negligence, personal drama or laziness. If a friend and I are naturally drifting apart, I'll try to do something about it. If nothing works then, yeah, let life take it's course with no hard feelings.

I just am sick of sitting here wondering about "what if's" and "why did I not's." Life's tough, but friends make it easier and more fun to boot.

Well said, sir, well said...

Victor

Voice #7, what is your sit rep?

Hello, Controller. I think things are going rather swimmingly, sir.

Swimmingly? That's not exactly the report I'm looking for. Report current status on his mental condition.

Can't really tell. This is a delicate operation, your Controllership, and well I still have a lot to do just yet.

I see. From your previous reports it looks like you're making some limited progress in his mental realignment, but it's just not enough, Voice.

And what would be enough, sir?

It's not a question of "enough" that I'm interested in. I want better than "enough."

I'm open to suggestions, Controller.

Get him to do something.

Respectfully, sir, but what "something" should I encourage?

Go on a trip, write something, make a Photoshop funny. Something for cripes sake.

Are we bored, sir?

Watch it, #7. You do not want to try my patience today, son.

Well, I could get him to have two voices in his head talk to one another. That's always good for a laugh!

Are you insane, man? That'll never work...

Uniform

Before I am too late, lemme wish you a happy Half-February!

Thanks, Voice. Feels good to be on the downward run, especially since I've managed to avoid getting into any scrapes so far.

So, how are you feeling in general?

Oh, alright I suppose. As my grandfather is fond of saying, "the sun came up and the sun went down" today.

Which is usually a good start...

Indeed.

So, what's on your mind?

I've been having these dreams about writing a book.

What kind of book?

Not sure. It's just something that I've contemplated doing, writing a book. What that book would be about is anyone's guess. I think it's just the notion of writing one and having it become a bestseller that's stuck in my head lately.

And you think you can write a bestseller?

Well, it'd be cool if it was, right?

Just. You should probably not count on it as a solution though.

Damnit. You see, Voice, that's exactly what I'm tired of. Why the fuck is it that I can't simply live my life, follow my dreams and try to achieve them without SOMEBODY telling me to aim lower? Huh?

...

Well? I'm talking to you, Voice.

Answer me, damnit!

All I'm saying is that you may not be living in the most realistic scenario here...

Tell that to Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison, Walt Disney and Albert Freaking Einstein, for crissakes...

What, you think you're as good as any of those guys?

Well, no, uh, wait. Fuck that. I'm as good as I am. That's all I need.

Are you asking me to stroke your ego or is this part of something deeper? Some internal struggle between the immortal human forces of "can" and "cannot" perhaps?

Both. None. Aww, hell, I'm not sure.

Well, at least you're fired up about something. Your "drunken sailor monologue" is showing.

That's just it. I don't know if I'm fired up or if I'm not. If I am fired up, what am I fired up about and why?

You're asking the wrong person here, Chief. Nobody is going to be able to answer or even understand that question any better than yourself.

Which is another part of the problem. I have naysayers to the right of me, egostrokers to the left of me and I'm sinking in a quagmire of confusion, frustration and a desire to do something better with my remaining time on this planet.

Fun topic for Valentine's day, no?

Hey, it beats my bitching about it, don't you agree?

My advice? Go outside.

What?

Go outside and look at the stars. Do it now.

Why? They'll never be as pretty as the ones I saw that night in Arizona.

Just shut your mouth hole and do it. The same stars are out there. Just keep looking and maybe you'll get a glimpse of what you're missing.

What, a sense of scale?

Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Now, go. And bring a Thermos full of cocoa, it's cold outside.

Can't argue with that logic...

Tango

Creativity and the Rebirth of the Lamented Phoenix.

Great, here it comes...

Shush. This is my choice of topics today, not yours.

Which strikes fear into my very heart, let me tell you.

Voice, shush. This is important to me and I'd appreciate it if you didn't derail it.

Suit yourself then. Hopefully, it won't end in utter confusion and 'false internal wisdom errors' like Sierra did.

SHUSH.

Recently, you've seen me shamelessly plugging my friend Bill's adventures in South Korea. While I've heard the deafening silence of the masses (thanks in part to our allowing the QTV website to languish for so long; therefore losing most of our visitor base) for the most part, I have to say that I'm still pretty damn proud of it anyway.

First of all, this collaboration has a lot of happy fun times in it for me. I'm back to work on the website, almost on a daily basis once again.

Secondly, this collaboration is quite challenging. First of all, Bill is 15 hours into the "future," so that every update he sends at 7:00 PM his time, I'm still snoring away at 4:00 AM. Apart from a few short AIM discussions, we've been relying on e-mail to update each other on his and my goings on.

It gets a little tricky because the computer that he is using is mostly displaying Korean symbols in programs (Windows XP, Explorer, etc), leaving him to try to do everything by memory. I hooked him up with Babel Fish a couple of days ago to help with translations from Korean to English and in reverse, which seemed to help some, but he's still relying on his knowledge of what usually goes where on his systems back here.

As a result, his e-mails to me usually are fairly short and direct when it comes to describing everything that he sends along. To help him out, I've been doing some behind the scenes research into some of the places that he visits as well as some of the customs. I usually send this info back to him to confirm and cross check, so all he has to do at that point is just to say "yes, that's right on," or "nah, not sure if that's right. Lemme check that and I'll get back to you."

What results from this is that he sends me the raw content of what he'd like to say and then entrusts it to me to effectively 'ghost write' his entries for him. I use pretty much everything he sends, sometimes spicing up a phrase here or correcting a typo there, but mostly I attempt to help him plug up the gaps. It's an asset in ghost writing if you can attempt to write in a close approximation of your friend's voice beyond a sentence or two without letting your own totally take over.

Luckily, I've known Bill for a number of years and while I may not be dead spot on 100% of the time on how he'd say it, I've been able to, as he has said, "do him justice." The interesting part in this is that I can read through the earlier entries and be able to see where Bill's narrative begins and ends and where "Bill's" narrative begins and ends. Sometimes, I can recognize where both mesh together.

While I haven't yet told him this, I'm actually grateful to him for proposing this feat of around the world cooperation in the first place as well as being honored that he's letting me share in the discovery in some measure. I'm back to Photoshopping again. I've dusted off ol' Dreamweaver. And my brain? Waking up again.

I'm back to thinking about "how cool can I make this look?" and also having a good time doing it. That's more progress than I can say I've had for a whole year now and that means a lot. A. Lot.

I started fiddling with other parts of the website, breathing fresh life into the poor languishing creature. I only hope to keep the momentum going and I have a certain redneck to thank for it. I told him I'd buy his first beer when he gets back, but I really owe him a keg. And that, my friends, is awesome.

Just posted his latest batch of updates over the past few days, including today's. Share and enjoy!

Sierra

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Never guessed you were a showtunes fanatic, Voice.

Showtunes? Hell no. I'm singing Liverpool F.C.'s anthem!

Which was a showtune to begin with...

No it wasn't! Pink Floyd used it for one of their songs, that's probably what you're thinking of. Showtune, peff.

Uhh, no. Penned by Rodgers & Hammerstein, this song was featured in...

Never mind. Anyway, you get the point of it, don't you?

That no matter what, I won't be alone in life? You could have accomplished that rather handily without having to torment us with your foul warbling.

What? You don't like my singing?

Oh, of course not. It was truly epic. Yeah. Epic.

Uh huh. Still, it was a good segue into today's topic, eh?

What, the feeling of being alone and how I handle it?

Indeed.

I could have thought of a better way, but I guess I'll run with it for lack of better introduction to the topic.

Aloneness and You, a journey into the mind of me.

It's strange how it works sometimes. I can be surrounded by a crowd and still feel like I'm standing in the corner by myself.

I never quite understood why that is. Perhaps it is a part of my psyche that tells me that I am the only me in the universe and everyone else is not. After all, only I truly know how I feel, what I'm thinking about, how a particular piece of cake tastes to me.

Everyone's tastes, thoughts, opinions differ in some way and you will never find a perfect match. Search all you like, there's no such thing as perfect.

Sure, you may find someone who's close to the ideal as they can get (and Deus help you if you do), but no one wil perfectly fit your notion of the perfect gal/guy. Ever.

In some ways, that's the beauty of being alone. It forces you to look inward as well as out. To maintain a balance of sorts. To meet people, to hear their stories, to share in life's experiences together. A man could spend his entire life talking to himself and never have the chance to reach beyond his nose but a lonely man can change the world.

The feeling of lonliness has crept into my mind of late. Perhaps it is because on one hand, I am surrounded by people who truly love each other and their life and are not afraid to show it. On the other, I am surrounded by those who feel so wronged in life that everything is the fault of myself and others and it is their duty to make all of us miserable. It's a balance of power that gravitates between the negative and positive forces in life, both pulling strong against the bonds of the other.

Alone, lonely, lonliness. Words that mean something, everything or nothing to the individual who bears their weight on his or her shoulders. Some fear it, some embrace it, some don't even realize they are in that state to begin with.

Myself, I am mentally alone and I am OK with it. I spent so many years of my life trying to unconsciously mesh with people who would make me feel less lonely instead of realizing the truth that such tactics are mired in folly and will result in pain.

The worst reason to be with somebody is because they make you feel better about yourself. Being with someone so that you feel better about yourself is a conceit that society pushes upon you in order to justify our fears about being alone. To be alone or different is to go against the Groupthink, the very fabric of subconcious human interaction.

You've heard it ever since you were a kid.

"Only the cool people are on the cheerleading squad."
"Don't hang out with that four-eyed loser. He just sits there by himself all day so he must be a freakazoid."
"Join the congregation, for as a community we are there to serve each other, not ourselves."

I am alone. I've been alone for many years and realizing this no longer bothers me. I am no longer afraid to spend time contemplating life's mysteries and if I never meet the gal who is closest to my ideal lifemate, so be it.

I'm just going to be the best me that I can, one that I can live with and respect. Meanwhile, I shall reach out to others as I've always done but I shall not envy their happiness, nor shall I covet their sense of perfection in life.

There has to be a way to tip the balance. Somehow.

And you'll neeeeever walllk aloooonnnneee!

Beauty, Voice, pure beauty...

Intermission IV: Redneck Outta Water...

For those who keep up with my site, Quality Television, you've likely read about my friend Bill's month-long trip to South Korea. He's been sent there by the company that he works for for a month of training. He's decided to have a little fun while he's out there and will be sending in updates to me for posting, which I will be doing here.

A little background on Bill:

He's a good friend of mine who has actually been in three other Fruitless Adventures, namely QTV's amusing visits to Austin's Bob Marley Festival and Zilker Park's annual Christmas Tree Lighting. He debuted on our site with the "Haunted House Adventure," where we toured an actual haunted house that was owned by his in-laws' family at one time.

So, he's not a novice to getting into mischief...

What he is a novice to is world travel AND flying. Yep, he's never been on a plane before and the first time he was, yep, this trip.

Bill's lived in Texas all his life, so this should be a lot of fun for him as he experiences life on the other side of the ocean. He's going to keep this adventure mostly informative (since he has to actually behave himself for a change), but he'll be updating with pictures and info as the month continues.

As an added bonus, Bill has asked me to post his e-mail address so that you can send in your questions and comments to him. He promises to answer all that he can (and perhaps have me post them, if we can work that out), so if you want to, drop him a line at: txhazmat00@yahoo.com He'll be over there until March 2nd.

His work schedule will keep him fairly busy, but he'll be going out to explore in his off time. From what I understand, he'll be touring Seoul, meeting people, doing some shopping, visiting the DMZ and more. It should be fun!

Intermission III: Happy Birthday, Wonko!

Happy Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary, Wonko!

Romeo

Issue 4: February.

The entire month of February?

Yep. The whole Baked Alaska. I so very hate and loathe the month of February with every fiber of my being. On a scale of 1 to 12 of my favourite months, where "1" is the highest rated month, February rates a distant 407,339.

In my view, the Romans were smart as hell by attempting to shorten this month as much as possible. It's a cursed month and apart from this month containing the birthdays of three people who I love and care about, the rest of the fucking mess can go to Hell.

Such anger, young padawan...

And justifiable, given my history with this month. Losing two good friends (one to drunk driving stupidity, the other I mentioned a few days ago), both grandmothers, my apartment fire and more fun memories really left a mark on my soul.

Granted, some cool things have actually happened during Februaries past, but mostly each and every one has heralded the arrival of one disaster or another.

But, isn't Valentine's Day somehow able to counteract the misery of the month? All that love and cheerfulness?

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!

Do you write your own material, Voice, or what?

So... I'm guessing no.

Valentine's Day and I just don't go well together. Either I'm alone and have to put up with cuddly kissy-smoochy people and Madison Avenue's constant barrage of ads for cuddly kissy-smoochy bears and diamond rings, or I'm with someone and the night somehow degenerates into a ballyhoo of drama. I've yet to have a date on Valentine's that flowed smoothly.

For me, V-Day is a halfway point through the month. A commercially-sponsored day when I prefer to crawl into a cave and nap through.

Maybe you just need to be with the right person for it to work.

Hrrrmmm, yes. Perhaps. Even then, it's still a bullshit holiday.

If you love somebody, you don't require a made up day to show someone you love them. You can choose any day of the year to do that. Hell, April 15th could be full of love if you choose it to be.

And if there's anyday that could use more love, it'd be THAT day.

Assuming our non-American readers would understand the reference to the normal IRS tax deadline.

Of course.

Perhaps I've just cast myself completely into the Summer Camp of Cynical Minds, but Valentine's serves little purpose other than to fill the coffers of business and to make people either feel good about themselves for a night well done or to make those without an S. O. to feel worse.

It's a conspiracy between DeBeers and Hallmark to drain our wallets and make us suffer. Soon, the kissy-smooch smooch bears will transform into giant freakin' robots and we'll all die a slow, painful magical death!

Oh, and CANDY HEARTS ARE MADE OF PEOPLE! CANDY HEARTS ARE MADE OF PEEEEEOOOOPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEE!

So, February bad, eh?

I have yet to meet the one that broke the mold. Maybe one will surprise me someday but until then, I must be ON THE ALERT and safeguard myself from danger.

Paranoia, paranoia, everyone's coming to get me?

Yeah, I'm not sick but I'm not well.

As an aside, it's funny to me to realize that I picked post Romeo so that I can totally shit on Valentine's Day.

Indeed. Especially given how Romeo ended up after his love life turned to shit.

Good thing this wasn't planned or anything. People might talk about behind the scenes scheduling shenanigans.

And that just wouldn't stand, now would it?

Quebec

Issue 3: Boredom.

Boredom?

Yes, Voice, boredom. Today, I want to discuss how boredom affects me.

Ok... Sounds boring if you ask me...

Well, I don't exactly remember asking you, now do I?

If it's all the same with you, I'm going to go watch "Matlock."

Fine. Leave me hanging here by myself then... Wait. Matlock?

Yeah. "Matlock."

Speaks for itself, I suppose.

Anyway, I've never been one to handle boredom, although at times, I allow myself to be bored. I've found that in some cases, boredom actually encourages me to do something constructive or it will allow me to delve deeper into my skull and find some deeper meaning to my life.

One should never be afraid to be bored, at least every once in awhile.

When boredom occurs on a more constant basis, that's when it gets annoying. Constant boredom usually points to a serious issue in your life, such as your career or your social interactions. This may involve feelings of not being challenged enough or a lack of connection that has failed to maintain a desire to be with certain people or workplace.

I've noticed that I've been bored a lot in recent years. I love my job, I love what I do. I just don't feel that it's enough anymore. I need a greater challenge and one that will leave me with substantially more pocket money than I have been getting. Living hand to mouth is boring.

Relationship-wise, I've discovered that hanging around gossipy people, people who lack personal ambition, and people who have little interest in the world beyond their little neighbourhood to be boring. Look, this doesn't invalidate anyone as a human being, but how much discussion about Hot TV Reality Show or how Neighbour Bob is screwing around on his wife can anyone put up with?

Some people, that is their life. If that's how they choose to live and if they are happy with it, fine. It's just not for me. Not anymore.

If the cards are in my favour, I have another 60 years on this planet. That's not a whole hell of a lot of time to get into mischievious adventuring, especially with my pay scale. Do I sit here, bored out of my skull with the stagnation that has been my life, or do I reach out for something better?

It may sound rather arrogant (and elitist in some ways) to say that people that I find to be boring, bore me. It's a harsh truth about my personality that I am now truly beginning to grasp. I may be the nicest guy you'll ever meet in person, but I will never tell you if I found you boring. I'm not a complete asshole, after all.

Undoubtedly, someone else will take a look at my life and label it boring according to their own standards. And in many cases, they would likely have very valid points.

How can one actually compare one's level of boredom to another person? Everyone's point of view is vastly different.

I suppose that I can look at it this way:

If I am consistently bored with something in my life, then that is a signpost that I need to observe. I can then make a change or at least attempt to spice things up a bit. I need to break the mold of complete predictability in my life and instead adopt a more fluid view of change and mental adaptability.

I used to pretty good at improvistation and being creative on the fly. I need to find a way back to that, somehow.

Otherwise, you'll end up like me; bored out of my skull by talking with this guy.

Thanks for your vote of confidence, Voice...