Scrambled Eggs O' Plenty...

Congratulations, consumer, you're hungry!

You have decided to grab the brass ring and are about to join the exciting world of the post-cardiac afterlife! We welcome you on your descent into the foul pit where the Horned One awaits you with habanero-flavored ice cream and an eternity of gastric torment journey to spiritual and gastric enlightenment!

First, let us assemble our ingredients! You will need the following ingredients to serve four people:

7-8 Large Eggs
1/4 cup of milk
8 Strips of Bacon
1 half red onion
1 large red potato
1 green bell pepper - diced
A Pinch (or two to three lazy ass shakes) of Allspice
A Pinch (or two to three lazy ass shakes) of Salt
A Pinch (or two to three lazy ass shakes) of Pepper
1 tbsp of Tobasco brand Smoked Chipolte sauce.
1 Cup of cheese (I tend to enjoy a blend of cheddar & Monterrey jack)
8 flour tortillas

Alright, so you have assembled the ingredients, GOOD WORK! You are now ready to go to the next level.

Start off by cleaning the bell pepper, red onion and potato. You don't know where they've been and vegetables will lie to your face.

While you're at it, go wash your hands, ya filthy animal. No, wait. On second thought, when was the last time you took a proper shower?

THAT LONG?!?!?! Go take a shower! Don't be afraid of the soap and shampoo, they aid you in your quest for cleanliness!

Don't worry, we'll wait...

...

All clean? Excellent. Towel off and return to the kitchen. It might be too much for a reasonable person to expect you to put clothes on, but do keep in mind that you are about to work with a hot skillet and crackling bacon. Clothes are highly recommended in the kitchen, I assure you.

Take your freshly cleaned vegetables and begin to dice them into small pieces. It may help to hum a little tune to make the job less tedious.

Mix your eggs, milk, allspice, salt and pepper together inside a bowl. Set aside. DO NOT ADD THE CHEESE YET!

Next step is to grab a large skillet, the largest one you have. You can also do this on a flat griddle, just be mindful of the perilous sides.

Gentlemen, and the ladies, FRY YOUR BACON!

Let that bacon cook to near done-ness. Don't let it burn to a crisp, nor let it be still oinking. Just near to done-ness.

Remove bacon and drain most of the bacon grease. Leave enough to just coat the bottom of the skillet.

Dice the bacon into small chunks of holy goodness and set aside, covered.

Put the diced potato, onion and bell pepper into the skillet and cook, stirring frequently for three to four minutes.

Add egg mixture and bacon to the skillet and maintain a constant vigil, stirring the now soupy mess with a wooden spoon. Add the smoked chipolte Tobasco and keep stirring. It may also seem logical to add cheese at this stage, but NO, PERMISSION NOT GRANTED. Exercise patience and keep stirring!

After a few minutes, the eggs will adopt a fluffy, solid scrambled egg appearance. Once this is achieved, you are cleared to add cheese!

Stir that mixture until all the cheese is melted. Sample a small bit and add further seasoning or the smoked chipolte tobasco to your personal taste.

Turn off the heat so you don't start a fire. Scoop healthy portions of your scrambled egg perfection into the flour tortillas and serve.

Enjoy!

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Figured I'd share this recipe since I personally can't eat it anymore. It now runs free on the farm to live out a happy life without me. ;)