Truth Hits Everybody - Pt. 2...

2) I dressed as a woman one night this past year.

Yes, it's a true story and BEFORE you start laughing and breaking out the snarky commentary, let me tell you why...

I was approached by a good colleague and friend who had a dilemma on her hands. Her workplace is involved in one of the local Relay For Life fund raisers for the American Cancer Society.

For those unfamiliar with Relay For Life, it is an all night walk/run/skip/hop to help raise funds and awareness for cancer research. These are usually raucous affairs, with tons of music, activities, food and lots and lots of walking. They also have a solemn ceremony to pay tribute to cancer survivors and victims complete with a roll call and luminaries in their honour. Overall, Relay's a ton of fun and I've taken part in one Relay or another for about five years now.

Normally, I help out with things like setup/takedown, take pictures of the event and also do my turn as a walker. In years past, I used to take teh Kate with me and she'd keep me company for the miles ahead.

Oh, for the salad days when all I had to do was walk ten miles and take a few pictures, right?

Well, this year I was tapped for something different. As part of these events, there is in some Relays an event called the "Mr./Ms. Relay Pageant." While some Relays hold to a convention of the males running for the "Mr." title and ladies for the "Ms." title, many choose to switch to the more hilarious "cross-dressing" option.

Yep, I was asked to stand for Ms. Relay.

I wasn't so sure that I was prepared to accept this mission, so I told them, "lemme know if no one else signs up for this first..." Uh huh, yeah, good plan.

So, a few weeks later, there I stood...

The theme this year for the team was sort of a Surfin' For Teh Cure motif and the ladies pooled together resources to transform me from a 6ft 4in tower of virile manliness (heh) to a 6ft 4in surfer babe. A curly blonde wig was provided as were a t-shirt with a female figure (complete with coconuts over teh boobies), a tasteful black ankle length skirt with tasteful flowers on one leg and a large cowboy surferesque sunhat to cover the wig.

I dressed at my friend's apartment and was scheduled to go on around 0230, which was a silent blessing in my mind. I hauled on the skirt, shirt, wig and hat. I was not about to stuff fake boobies in my shirt since I always found that tacky. Hey, if I'm going to the length of dressing up as a gal for the evening, I could at least avoid the obvious stereotypes that go along with men dressing in drag.

Think about it ladies. When a straight guy dresses in drag, what is the NUMBER ONE thing you notice about them right off the bat?

If you answered "fake boobs the size of 747's," you get five points! So, I refused to give into the obvious and skipped the shirt stuffing altogether.

A little toenail polish, lipstick and a pair of flip-flops later and I was a surfer babe alright. I sat in front of the mirror and stared at myself for a few moments before I summoned the courage to step out into the apartment proper.

As the "oooo's" and "ahhhhh's" commenced from the assembled rabble, I padded to the kitchen and chugged a beer.

Then, I had another one. Courage level increasing.

Thirty minutes later, I sucked down one last beer before we had to go. By then, I was feeling alright and it didn't seem to bother me as much that I looked like the ugliest drag queen ever.

We arrived at the event and the British part of me took over. I managed to handle the joking and snarky commentary with a level of calm reserve.

The pageant began and we each had to give a spiel with our "escorts" (ladies dressed as men in hopes of snagging the Mr. Relay title) before walking around the track a few times begging for change. I pretty much had my lines down pat but found myself ad libbing a lot due to the shitty microphone crapping out at the most inappropriate times.

Still, we muddled through it with a bunch of comedy and then we started our walk while the other "contestants" started their spiels.

After a while, we were re-assembled for the results...

...and I was the belle of the ball! Yep, I was voted Ms. Relay - 2007. They gave me some roses, a tiara and a sash and I got to walk around the track for another hour or so with the gal elected "Mr. Relay" as part of my courtly duties.

Overall, the team I was helping ended up getting the most donations, so we were later treated to free fajitas and booze for our efforts. Overall, it was a good evening to get all dizzied up for, neh?

Heh.