Snape Bakes Dumbledore A Batch Of Cookies In Chapter Four...
The latest installment of Harry Potter was released last week. I decided to head down to the local store on Saturday and snag a copy with the full intent of burying myself in a book throughout my upcoming vacation this past week.
I felt a little sad that this was the end of the series yet I simply could not wait a moment longer between getting home and promptly sticking my beak into it. I polished off a few chapters within the next day between packing, errand running and dealing with last minute business.
It was Sunday afternoon and I was off for adventures of my own. I planned on stopping by the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch so that I could feed a zebra or two, stay in San Antonio for the night and get in a little reading.
Unfortunately for me, while I was at the ranch waiting patiently in line to purchase a soda and feed for the animals, I was stuck behind a child and his father discussing the book...
Dad: So, tell me about it. I can't believe you read the whole thing in two days.
Son: It was awesome, Dad, you wouldn't believe it!
Dad: What happened?
Son: Yeah! Here's what happened. So Harry has to find Voldemort's horcruxes in this one, right? Well the book starts out with Harry *******************... Then ********* actually ********* to Harry. Can you believe that???
My concern began to mount. I had read through this much of the story, so I just hoped that the kid would develop a sudden case of laryngitis. Either that or that the queue for the register would suddenly surge ahead.
Dad: Wow! I can't believe that! Then what happened?
Son: Well, it was like this. ********* and ******** attempted to ********* Harry from ********** by ********* and then...
Oh, shitohshitohshit, will this fecking line MOVE already? He was already into chapters that I hadn't read yet! What was the spell to shut someone up again?
Dad: Huh. No kidding. What then?
Son: Oh, Dad, it was awesome! Harry and ********** went to ******** to get ********* and ********* happened!
MOVE! FOR ALL THAT'S HOLY AND SACRED, MOVE THIS LINE. NOW!
Son: But, Dad, you know what happened to ********** and **********? It made me so sad.
Dad: Gaw, I could see why. So, how did that happen to ********?
Son: Oh, that's the best part! *********** was **********ing *********** in a ********** but *********** showed up in the nick of time to help ********** **********.
Die.
Son: And then, guess what? Harry, Ron and Hermoine ***********! It was so awesome.
Die, now.
Dad: But how did that happen? I thought underage wizards couldn't ************ without ****************?
Son: Oh, but he wasn't **********, that's why.
Both of you die in a vat of vicious fire ants, you book spoiling fucktards!
Son: But finally, ******** happened and that gave the three of them a chance to ************
I had to do something. Staring into space wasn't working, casually checking out the shapely legs of the late twenty-something gal in the other line wasn't even working. I started with a polite *cough*
Dad: But when that happened, did ********* show up? I thought ********* didn't ********* in the previous book...
*cough*
Son: Oh, Dad, no! ********** was still **********, just not *********** at the time.
*COUGH! COUGH!* By this time, the line had moved ahead. Still plenty of time for...
Son: And then later after Harry had ***********, Voldemort ********* and I couldn't believe that happened!
I seriously contemplated the potential consequences of cockpunching both father and son and decided to practice my "insanity defence" act in case I decided to follow such a course of action.
Dad: So, what happened at the end?
NO! DO. NOT. WANT.
Son: Well, Harry and Voldemort **********, which led to ********* and ******** doing ***********...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My hands over my ears whilst whistling trick isn't working!
Son: *********** *********, ******* ******** and ******* **********. In the end, *******, ********** and ******* are ********* at **********, ********** ******** ****** *****************!
You FECKING GOBSHITE! You RUINED THE ENDING, you heartless bastards! I heard a kid behind me start crying. I could see out of the corner of my eye another father bending over to talk to his son.
Dad2: I'm sorry, dude, I know we hadn't finished the book yet. Besides, maybe that stuff doesn't happen. Maybe he's pulling our leg, yeah, that's it?
I don't know what possessed me, but I found myself gently leaning over and quietly attempting to get the father's attention.
Me: Oi, sir?
Dad: Hmmm?
Me: Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you guys just spoiled the book for the kid behind me.
Dad: Oh? (turns to look at the people still waiting in line) I'm sorry, y'all. I didn't know we could be overheard.
This rather angry looking mother standing behind the crying child and his father in line leaned towards the front.
AngryMom: Hell, I heard you two talking all the way BACK HERE. Thanks you so VERY much for that!
The father turned towards the front, possibly considering a hasty departure until the cashier yelled, "NEXT!" He quickly made his purchases and walked out. The Mother was boring holes through the back of his head as he and his son walked to the door.
AngryMom: Stupid ass. Spent better part of two days reading that book with my kid only to have that guy go and ruin it for us. Have half a mind to smack him right upside his head and feed his dumb ass to those ostriches out there...
Humans can be such funny creatures sometimes...
Labels: Blabber, Oh Noes, Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot
posted by Robert @ 12:56
6 comments
links to this post
6 Comments:
Aaaaaaaaaaaagh! Really, how could people be that stupid? I mean, sure, I bet the Dad thought that he was doing a real great job of being a father right there: listening to the kid, talking with him, Showing An Interest. But to forget that it hadn't even been 48 damn hours since the book was released? Jeeeeez.
Me, I'd have tried to speak up way sooner. Pointedly glance around, say, "'Scuse me, Sir, but it looks like there are other kids in this line... I can't help but overhear your conversation, and you might end up spoiling the book for them." (Yeah. Them. Not me, nooo, I am an Adult and I read the Wall Street Journal and Ayn Rand.) And if he started any crap... you'd totally be in the clear. Leaping forth in defense of the innocent childrens and all that. Or, if I were feeling far more passive, I'd have just pretended I suddenly needed to use the can, and made my hasty escape. Ah well. Bastards.
Kid couldn't ruin everything interesting, of course. And he might have even explained things wrong. feh.
Ah well. I will still maintain quietness about it, so that I don't spoil anything that might have been left miraculously unsaid.
~Ash
Ash:
The one thing I've learned about spoilers is that you only get the summary of events but not the juicy meat within. After all, the kid skipped a lot of details in just the section of the book that I HAD read to that point, so it was safe to assume that there is still a good 535 pages of goodness to read.
I would have thought the coughs, throat clearing gentle head movements towards the people in line behind me and obvious stares of disgust from me would have clued him in on it, but he was pretty oblivious.
Besides, I've been essentially marinating in booze, Dr. Pepper and river water over the past three days, so much of what was said has thankfully faded for the most part.
Still... BOOT TO THE HEAD!
That doofus needs to be 'drawn and quartered'and then boiled in oil!!
I hate spoilers........... Some asshat spoiled the whole Darth Vader/Dad thing when "The Empire Strikes Back" debuted.
On another note ~ don't you just love Texas weather?? I will be in Autin today but will be back in soggy SA this evening.
ttfn,
~ba~
BA:
I think I WOULD have c-punched someone for that. I think that the greatest tragedy of the prequels is that the revelation of Vader's true identity in Empire has lost all real impact. In some ways, it's almost like I can't see any way that Luke COULDN'T have known that Vader was really his father.
There had to have been some form of Google in the Empire... Heh.
Had no idea that you were in my geographic coordinates! Hope your visit was successful and sorry I didn't get to hoist a cold one with ya.
You're not kidding about the weather. I'm not totally complaining because it has made the summer way less oppressive than normal, but this whole rain/sun/death storm/sun/rain/rain/flood/sun/rain/storm of an angry god/rain/rain/sun cycle is really getting old.
The only real advantage is that everything outside is so green and pretty. Usually by now, everything would be brown and dead looking...
Why didn't you ask them to stop? Oh, that's right, that would involve admitting to another adult that you are a full grown person crying in your cheerios over poorly written children's fiction. Good show.
anonymous:
Why didn't you ask them to stop? Oh, that's right, that would involve admitting to another adult that you are a full grown person crying in your cheerios over poorly written children's fiction. Good show.
Lighten up, Francis.
I should have said something earlier, you're absolutely right about that and I thank you for calling me out on it. If nothing else, I should have acted sooner on behalf of the kids in the rest of the line.
Look, I can plow through Chaucer and Dickens like the best of them, but a little "poorly written children's fiction" every now and again is good for the soul. Rowling may not be on the same level as the greatest authors in history but, in my opinion, her books do provide easy to read and enjoyable entertainment for me when I am in the mood for it.
When you get to it, the average adult is not going to admit to perfect strangers their reading habits. They're not going to tell another adult that they still watch cartoons every now and then. It goes against the perceived norm in society to want to indulge in things like that, so I can't say that my reaction was simply "crying in my cheerios."
More like "being a chickenshit." So, get it right. :)
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home