It's The Line Between Shame And Dread...

It's been an interesting year of self-discovery.

I moved into town (instead of living on the outskirts as I had previously) with the greatest intentions. I would be living closer to work, be saving money and would be working more on QTV by living with my good friend and QTV collaborator, Doug. Plans were made to jumpstart the life and would move me towards making a more respectable income, advancing my career path and, most importantly, start shaking this cloudy mental funk that has hovered over me for... years?

Then life starts creeping in.

You know, it's funny. I had no idea that a year later that I would have made not only little progress on QTV, but that I also didn't manage to save much money and would eventually greet the departure of my friend not with a sense of sadness but with slight relief. His destiny lies elsewhere and rather than sit here like the Count ticking off the days left on the lease (THIRTY-FOUR DAYS, ah ha ha!), he's started packing moving his girlfriend's and his possessions way over to a whole other state.

I keep my counsels close to myself for the most part. It wasn't the easiest of years. We still got along, but there was always a sort of tension that lingered. Some of it was my cause, personal issues which I tried to either rectify or keep out of the house. Some of it was result of his and his girlfriend's decisions. The rest? Who knows.

It's that feeling you get when dynamics shift. It was nobody's fault, it was just the natural progression towards the door that friendships will take sometimes.

The thing that gets me is that I know that as I type this, somebody out there is contemplating a "friends come and go, that's life, buck up little camper" style reply. Sorry, kids, that's why I killed the comments on this one. I've heard that enough from my mom over the years. I know all that. I accept that.

Believe me, this isn't intended to be a pity party type post. I'm not indulging in something that will serve no purpose. I'm merely observing something, perhaps mourning a bit for the end of almost seven years of constant hilarity and co-comedy creation.

Yeah, we're still pals. Yeah, we'll still see each other every now and then, but there is now a vacuum that cannot be denied.

All that's left is to pack my shit, find a new place of my own and moveondotorg with my life. Perhaps it'd be easier if I still had my other best friend still with me. Today was her birthday and it felt strange not buying a birthday bone for her to gnaw on while I was at work. It's been six months and still I miss my dog. Huh. Yeah. Moveondotorg with the life. At least I still get to see Addycat on a reasonable and regular basis. That little blue-eyed meowbox really worked her way into my heart, boy howdy.

Soon, it will just be me and QTV. A few friends around here to grab the occasional/rare beer with, a few friends to converse with via teh internets, a few co-workers to nod and grumble hello to.

I think what is most striking is this feeling of physical and mental exhaustion that I am feeling. I've been going busy busy busy for a long time and while I enjoy being busy, it's just time to take a break. I can't afford to really travel via airplane to anywhere since I'm saving for new deposits and whatsit, but what I can do is to pack the truck with my tent, a cooler and a camp chair. Drop $70 for the round trip on gas and just go get lost for a few days.

Some of the best trips I've ever made were by myself and perhaps, just perhaps, it'd be a good idea to reacquaint myself with myself. And if I was to end up finding me a hot lookin' gal on the beach/in the woods/by the lake/wherever I end up, I may just tip my hat at her and say "howdy." Maybe cook her some dinner or something.

Hey, a guy can dream, can he not?

Shit. Looking at my calendar for the next month, I must be dreaming. Time to contract a "serious and debilitating condition" that will last exactly three to four days, leaving me better tanned and more rested... Heh.