A Response In C-Minor...

Read this post on Wonko's Corner before you read the rest of this post.

Back now? Good. Anyway, here's my reply. It was a little lengthy to post on his comments section, but keep reading. Things get out of hand, I promise...

1) $1,000 Pizza.

As a former pizza transportation and customer service professional, I'd like to say that not only will I happily provide this delightful item but as an added bonus if you act now, I will also include ONE FREE swift kick to your beanbag that you can keep as my special gift to you.

Call in the next ten minutes and I'll also include free steel toe bootage to the face, that's right, absolutely FREE!

$1,000 pizza. Jesus.

2) The Donald Vs. The O'Donnell.

Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are both class AAAAA attention whores. The arrogant attitudes of both really grate on my nerves.

How 'bout we hold an eating contest to see how many $1,000 pizzas they can eat in an hour?

Think about it! We can award a kick to the beanbag of the winner! We can then also award a kick to the beanbag of the loser!

Think about the publicity! It'll be stellar, man.

Seriously, they both need to shut up and get back to work.

3) Heather Mills.

It is the idea that someone thought her important enough to extend an invitation.

Seriously?

I was thinking that it was a miracle that they hadn't asked Wink Martindale & Tonya Harding to be on the show. It'd be awesome.

They'd start dancing, Wink and his partner would win a round, setting Tonya off into a full on bloodrage. Tonya punches Wink in the beanbag, and quickly grabs Heather's fake leg and breaks Heather's other leg with it.

A tussle ensues and Wink, after taking a few recovering breaths, pulls out some tricks of his own by casting the Game Show Host Hair Of The Infinite spell, which knocks Tonya out like a sucker on Celebrity Boxing.

Seeing her opportunity to knock out another competitor, Heather casts Ex-Beatle Wife of Unlimited Income, temporarily incapacitating Wink with a mighty law suit.

Wink somehow manages to recover by some fancy legal footwork and cuts off Heather's next attack by casting X Blocks The Square, shielding him and also shooting hot piles of pork products back at her in the process.

Unfortunately for Heather, she didn't throw a good enough defense roll so she drowns underneath a pile of bacon bits and porkchops.

As Wink surveys Heather's gruesome, yet tasty, demise, Tonya regains consciousness and pounces on Wink, shouting about how "it was unfair, my shoelace broke" and "gimmie another chance, judges!"

They struggle on the ground for a few moments before Ian Zierling, who had been sitting on the sidelines wishing that Aaron Spelling was still around to give him a job, joins the fracas.

Ian reaches within his fancy coat and pulls out his "Steve Sanders Sword of Slicing" and quickly seperates Tonya's head from her torso, George Lucas style. He helps the weakened Wink to his feet and they both stand and observe the carnage.

Wink turns to Ian. "Thanks, kid, you saved my life!"

Ian dusts himself off and cocks one of his famous toothy grins. "No problem, Mr. Martindale, I was happy to help!"

"I bet you are, kid," Wink chuckles as he suddenly thrusts his hand right through Ian's chest and rips out his heart, "I bet you are."

Ian looks at his own heart in shock for a second before falling over dead. With all the other competitors dead, Wink was now assured of being the grand prize winner.

"After all," Wink chuckled wickedly as he watched Ian's heart slow to a stop, "there can be only one..."

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Oh, wait, sorry, what? You mean Dancing With The Stars is about DANCING?!?

*sigh*