November

By what you've been talking about so far, are you intending on altering your behaviour altogether when it comes to relationships with other people?

By that I mean that I want to change the internal dynamic of how I put others' needs well before my own.

Is it good to help others?

Yes.

Is it wise to do so at such a high cost of one's health and livelihood?

No.

Part of my personality is that I have this strange notion that I can fix things at all costs. It's kind of an arrogant proposition in some ways. I think I can fix people's problems like I'm Mother Theresa or somesuch.

Instead of maintaining a healthy balance between helping others and keeping an even keel yourself, you mean? Also, do you find yourself going to such extremes for any attention that it would give you, or do you do these things to feel better about yourself?

That's kind of what I'm talking about. I'm not big on getting a pat on the head for good deeds, but I admit that sometimes I do such things so that I feel that I don't suck as much.

Why do you "suck?"

Well, I don't really suck, I guess it's just the feeling that I do. Like I haven't done enough to help others, I'm being selfish and self-serving in ways, that I adopt this kind of "guilt complex" so that I feel more obligation to bend to the will of others and force myself into a holding pattern.

The feeling I've had for years is that if people around me are ok, then I can allow myself to be ok.

That's where the real guilt comes into play. I feel like a self-serving ass for this kind of attitude. I'd much rather do something good for people and not even have to think about it. I don't give a damn about being rewarded or even acknowledged for what I do, but I'd rather not have this internal voice saying, "Dude, that was really ultra-sweet of you to do that."

I guess I want a lot more humility in my life and to not have to rely on having to tell myself I'm cool so that I feel validated for my actions. Also, I want to set more rigid boundaries as to how far I am willing to go before I cross my internal mental and physical boundaries.

So, it sounds to me like you're trying to overcome issues of low self-worth and esteem, by attempting to be... What? A martyr for the cause? Not to be rude, but you sound even more arrogant and self-serving by saying that.

One of my greatest sins is "pride." Another is "stubbourness."

Then pull your head out of your ass, man. If you find yourself sitting here debating the level of "suck" that you are for doing something nice that you will end up feeliing guilty about your motivations, then what the... Awww, forget it.

My suggestion is to be a decent human being and not sit there punishing yourself for whatever "sins" you are talking about. You're not making much in the way of sense here, and I've been hanging on to this conversation by a very thin thread as it is.

You want to help people, fine. Do it. After it's over, let it go. Go home, have a taco and move on. You can't sit here and attempt to confuse me with this. You're not fooling anybody.

What? Now I'm confused.

What I'm saying is that you can't live a healthy life if you're too inside your own skull to live it. You're a nice kid, you mind your manners, you try to live up to decent moral standards. On the same note, you screw up along the way and you allow yourself to let these screw ups to shut down your mental processing until you feel that you have served pennance in some way for whatever it was that you did, even if you were doing something good.

Does that make sense?

If you want to live a life of humility, then don't use good works as an excuse to compensate for things about yourself that you do not like. You are never going to get anywhere in life by being a silent martyr. Change the things you don't like and move on.

Which is really the point of all this.

I just get so damned tired of how I feel about this topic. And you know what, Voice? I think you're onto something.

There are other avenues of my life that I need to work on, and perhaps I should focus on those first so that I do not continue the cycle.

Ok, fine. Let's start there and hopefully the rest of this will work itself out. What are some things that you'd like to change?

Well... Let's start right after I get a soda. I require Mountain Dew for this one...