Lima

I'm ready, Voice.

For?

Answering your question from the other day. I'm ready now.

Shoot.

My biggest fear?

Living the same life that I have been living for so many years. I fear that I will live this way until the day I die.

Eh? I thought you were going to say something commonplace like "commitment" or "death" or "bees." I wouldn't have guessed that answer.

I don't see how you couldn't have. You are, after all, in my head.

True, but you don't necessarily let me in certain areas of your cerebral cortex, now do you?

I don't let many people in there usually. Just the ones I completely trust.

Which means that you don't even trust yourself with these thoughts?

You mean because I haven't included you in my contemplations on this subject before?

Well, what would you think if you were in my position?

Look, no offense mate, it's just that you aren't exactly the most stable part of my psyche now are you? You start off admonishing me, moving into question mode, talk about what colour I should paint the den and then finishing up with a dirty joke involving a pail and some lad from a place called Nantucket. You reflect the amount of ADD that I feel I have to face every single day of my life.

See, now I'm going to get into it with you instead of just answering the question again. I'm sure that I'll be singing more REM lyrics in a moment or perhaps regaling my readers with a merry anecdote about a trio of bears going grocery shopping.

Or, you can just find more interesting ways to stall...

Good point. Well, my answer is quite lengthy, so I'll break it up into sections.

Here goes for section one:

Ever since high school, I've allowed myself to assume the role of a caretaker in other people's lives. Perhaps it was a naive notion of mine to try and see only the good things in people instead of viewing that person as a whole.

In my arrogance, that led me to the belief that no one was beyond redemption and that any major flaw in their personality could be overlooked or somehow changed with a lot of love, affection and hard work.

By that, I assume that you are referring to those in your life who were/are above average in crazy?

Yeah, although I wouldn't be so quick to just hang the label "crazy" in such a cavalier fashion. Maybe on one or two people were certifiable, but overall, no.

Most I would classify as those who have experienced way too much in their life that they adopt a protective shield of an almost normal demeanor. You don't notice that they have the Thousand Yard Stare until later on. Once I've seen that, my instinct was to try to fix them.

I didn't quite realize that some people just can't be fixed and if they can, I sure as hell wasn't qualified to do so.

Anyway, this sort of arrogant Knight In Shining Armour attitude is what really started to drain myself of, well, myself.

What kind of philosophical claptrap are you shovelling here? Make sense, will you?

Well, once I would commit myself to a relationship, I would in essence put their problems ahead of my own. Theory was that if the person I was with was happy, then they would reciprocate and therefore, I'd be happy.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I believe that part of the problem was low self-confidence/esteem. True, I may have been happy go lucky in high school, but I still bore the cross of being a glasses-wearing geek in a time before glasses-wearing geeks were cool. I was able to get along with pretty much anybody in high school, but I kept most of them at bay with my foolish antics.

My developed sense of humor and goofy behaviour first stemmed from a desire for other people to not make fun of me, strange as that seems to me today. I thought that by entertaining and making them laugh, they weren't necessarily laughing at me.

Defensive posture right from the start.

I would later link with women who either also had low self worth issues or bore the scars of a tragic childhood. Most of these people were controlling, hurtful and sometimes violent. For some reason, I fell into those relationships much like a moth to the flame. And I used my own flaws as an excuse to myself to believe that I didn't deserve better.

I would believe that people could change their inner core behaviours and beliefs and I was there to help them, by gods.

Can people change? Sure, if they work at it or also seek professional help where needed. Am I one of those professionals? No way, Charlie.

So, where does this fit into your fear? That you still view yourself as deserving of a life of misery because someone called you "four eyes" when you were a kid and that you are powerless to change it?

It would have seemed like that if you had asked me a year ago. But, no, that's not how I feel. It's how I started down this path.

Each bad relationship left its mark on me. Some marks were good because I learned a valuable lesson. Most however powered a slowly growing trend of distrusting all and intimating none.

Interesting progression and while I will not go through every gal I've dated, I'll list the highlights.

GF-1 caused me to fear God's followers, for some of the more 'blessed' of the large church group she ran with tended to be the more judgmental. Ironic, perhaps, that when those attempting to follow Jesus forget such things as not judging one another or coveting another guy's wiener.

Not that I ever had a chance to show her mine, cheating hypocrite.

GF-2 caused the deepest scars. Violently abusive, she controlled every aspect of my existence. Her mind-fucking abilities were awesome and I have yet to meet her equal.

All things considered, for all those close to me that I have told about those dark days, I've only told you about 35% of what the crazy jackaninny did to me. There are things that I will never discuss.

I did show her mine and she was the one who almost made a smoothie out of it.

GF-3 cheated, gossiped and screamed her way through our relationship. Her method of discussion was usually measured in decibels not in quality and it was usually easier to sit there and dream about ice cream sandwiches than it was to hold a conversation with her.

She also used me as her conscience most times because her impulse control is weak and her inclination towards mischief almost overpowers her at times. Dating her is like living with this guy. (Click where it says "Watch This Movie" to see.)

The irony is that as judgmental as she is, as filled with elitist views on many subjects, she lives a lifestyle that is similar to those she looks down upon. I've dated similar females to this in later days but nowhere near as painful to the ears as this one. Yeeeowch.

So, what you are saying is that history tends to repeat itself?

More or less. I think I've learned a lot about recognizing warning signs and my brain is more apt to go to Red Alert whenever I catch a sniff.

Either way, I've recognized that I commit the sins of pride and arrogance simply because I refuse to believe that I am not a caretaker personality, even if I know the truth is that I am.