I Feel...

I've been told recently that I'm a good guy. That I have my flaws like everyone else, but overall, a decent sort of fella.

If all of this is true, then why don't I feel like I am?

It's been going on two months now that I've begun this rebirthing process in earnest. I've recently felt creatively dead, spiritually dead and emotionally distraught. What began as a attempt to rediscover myself and possibly come out of this experience with the potential positive outcome of feeling like I'm a different and better person has instead left me with even more doubts and uncertainty than ever before.

I'm not necessarily emotionally unstable, but I must admit that I am filled with more angst and heartbreak than I originally thought that I would ever have. Sad thing is, I don't exactly know why.

Well, actually, that's probably bullshit. I could probably hazard a fairly good guess as to why.

The thing is that I hate hurting people. I avoid confrontation as much as possible, mostly because I choose to see the best in people and think that I can magically fix all problems with a few kind words and a ton of hard work. It's not necessarily a bad trait sometimes, but there has to be some limit.

I am, for lack of a better word, a caretaker. I take care. That is what I do.

In relationships, in friendships, even with members of my own family from time to time, I sometimes take great heavy emotional burdens upon my own shoulders. Mostly because I have good intentions, but also because it is in my nature to do so. Even at the expense of my own health, wealth and happiness.

I find myself giving and giving because I don't want people to hurt. I never fully realized that there had to come a point where I needed to assign a stopping point to this behaviour. There is only so much that someone can give before they become a wraith, a slave to other person's emotional balance.

Subconciously, I have been attracted to people who have troubled pasts, emotional problems and low self-esteem. I can't say this is true of every woman I've ever dated, but overall the majority were lugging around some heavy baggage. I may fall in love with them because of their outward emotional and intellectual presentation. They make me laugh, they possess higher intelligence, they can be very sweet. Sadly, however, it isn't until later in the relationship that I begin to see the downside of the person.

Some were pretty darn clever in hiding their scars. One in particular had me blinded for a year before her darker side manifested itself. It's a testament to my naive, Pollyannish, nature that I don't see the bear trap before it's chewed its way halfway deep into my ankle.

My grandfather, ever tactful, told me once that "You are smarter than this, if you're using the thinking head instead of the other." Normally, his tongue-in-cheek teasing would elicit a chuckle, but I actually prefer how my brother put it. He said that I have to learn to think more with my brain and not with my heart when in situations where my emotional state is in crisis.

I feel like I'm in a bad corner at the moment. Debating between what logic and reason tell me versus what my conflicting emotions are telling me. Part of me knows that this state of emergency is temporary and that karma will decide eventually my final course of action and the consequences that follow.

Perhaps this need not be as complex as I am attempting to make it. I know what I should do and I've taken actions along those lines. If things will work out and if I want them to, then great. If things won't work and I have to suffer the slings and arrows of a woman scorned, so be it.

None of this means that I feel like I'm the good guy in all this. Far from it. I feel like I had just emotionally shot my best friend and that kills me more than anything. But, actions must be taken and followed through. Hopefully, Bob willing, I'll eventually come out of all this happier and hopefully a lot wiser, no matter the outcome.

I just wish that things had never reached this point. Damnit.